[And now for something completely different]

The dwarf sitting on the curb was getting impatient. The light rain was sending trickles down off his mustache, which was annoying, and it was starting to soak through his coat, which was bad. If that stupid-

A van rolled up, the passenger's window down. "Hoi, chummer."

The dwarf stood up. "Open the fraggin' door. My irons are gonna be soaked in a minute." The side door rolled open and a step folded down. Reluctantly grateful for that last part, the dwarf clambered up into the vehicle. No one was in the driver's seat, which was probably good, because the troll in the front passenger seat would have been crowding the driver if there had been one.

The projector on the dash flickered to life. Akisi's matrix avatar hovered over it, a pointy yellow hat perched on a head that was little more than a black ball with eyes. Crunch, the dwarf, supposed that it was supposed to be in shadows under the hat brim, but it just looked weird.

"Mooshy mooshy! How'd ya like the step? I added it 'cause the I added another couple inches of suspension, and then I remembered you an' me still gotta get inside."

Crunch mumbled a bit. "Yeah, it's a help. Still kinda, you know..."

"Awww, is da poor dwarfy a widdle bit embawessed? How do you think I feel? I'm a gnome, you're taller than me. And at least they make clothes for dwarves. I get to shop in the kid's section my whole life."

The troll spoke up. "Quit whining. The Big and Tall ain't much better. Ria's the only one of us who can wear regular clothes." He hooked a thumb at the elf sitting in the back seat. "Let's get moving. We gotta earn some cred back after all these kittycat runs we been doin', and I got a gig tomorrow. Hez is playing at the Crater." B.A. Brax was a drummer in his off time.

The yellow-hatted avatar wiggled a bit. "Cool! I might hafta go meatworld to see the show." Coming from the matrix-surfer Akisi, that was like the Pope converting to Islam. "Now then, we gotta head to the Renraku plant, pop some programs in the 'puters in the main control room, and grab whatever tech we can to make it look like a break-in, so they don't get all 'spicious."

Ria nodded, her blonde ponytail bobbing. "Let's roll. We'll open the place up, you pop a drone or two in, and we'll load up the van with all the expensive stuff we can get. Anything you want us to look for when we go shopping?"

The avatar wobbled, hat flopping around. "If they have the Aisari 12900, grab it. It's 'll be written on the box in really big letters. Not the 11900, I already got three of those."

The van rolled past the Renraku plant as a sedate pace. Brax asked, "Hey, Akisi, Ria, you see anything?"

Akisi chimed up. "I can see a whole drekload a' cameras. I think some are those new magesight ones, but I can't really tell."

"They are." Ria was sitting in the back, legs crossed in the lotus position, eyes closed. "They stand out like a bright spot in the astral. I'm gonna mouse around a little, maybe check the guards at the main gate, see how professional they are."

A mild look of horror crossed Crunch's face. "You think you're gonna walk around in body armor and not attract attention? People notice that sort of thing. and even if you took it off, then you're walking around in a skintight black bodystocking, which also attracts attention."

Ria smiled. "What, you don't carry a bag of street clothes on runs? I just need a second. Now turn around."

They did, including Akisi's avatar, but that was mostly for show.

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The two gate guards were bored. Not the usual guard flavor of bored, where you let most of the mind wander while the rest kept its eyes open, but the full-blown bored where you count seconds until your shift is over. So when the elf girl came sauntering down the steet, they noticed. Ria had changed into a miniskirt and a haltertop, all in green. Interesting tattoos spirals across the revealed skin between the hem of her top and the top of her skirt.

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"Wow, they really diggin' her."

The three (technically two) runners in the van watched as their partner teased the muscleheads at the gate. After a moment to appreciate the scenery, Crunch said, "Understatement much, Brax? We could almost walk through the gate right now without them noticing. If we left you here, we probably could."

Akisi was less subtle. "Okay guys, I'm a lesbian now."

Brax mumbled, "Don't blame you, and I don't even like smoothskins. Pull around the corner, so they won't see her get in the van."

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When Ria got back inside, Akisi played a music clip. Some 20-century song about "bringing sexy back."

"Shut it, Net Nerd. I get enough from the boys, I don't need it from the fems too."

The music stopped. A pair of diambodied hands were added to the floating avatar, and they were immediately held up apologetically. "No, really, that was good! No way in hell are thinkin' about their jobs right now."

Crunch looked thoughtful, then grinned evilly. "Hey, I have an idea...."

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A few hours later, the shifts had changed. The night guards were chatting about the latest sports stats for their favorite Urban Brawl teams. One elbowed his friend, cutting him off in mid-sentence, and motioned down the street. "Damn, is that what people wear to clubs now? I gotta get back into the nightclub scene."

Crunch was right. Skintight black bodysuits do attract attention. Enough attention that as the guards watched her pass and walk away, they didn't have enough attention left over to notice the van until it parked in front of them and the door slid open. By then, Crunch had both heavy machine guns leveled and was firing.

Ria ran back to the van as Brax, Crunch, and a half-dozen drones of various models spilled out. Brax tossed her armor to her, and she wiggled into it quickly. "Hey, Crunch, I always wondered. Why do they call those guns Gahumps?"

The dwarf shrugged. "I dunno. Easier to say than 'General Purpose Heavy Machine Gun.' Maybe it's from trying to say the acronym?" His cybernetic arms made tiny whirring sounds as the servomotors compensated for the weight.


[to be continued]