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atalantea · #1 (**permalink**) 06-12-2008

Some poems, lotsa songs and hopefully some drawings. Please read one and tell me what you think!

I was so glad to find that we can post poems and sketches here. I'll post them and hopefully get you guys to comment on it. Read and Review please!

And since I'm scared that this thing will just be ignored and then buried under piles of other threads, the first poem I will be posting is about waiting in vain.
This is Kiss Me While I Sleep. Please do not plagiarize me. And ask permission if you'll quote, assuming you would want to.

Kiss me while I sleep

Barefoot she walks on that yellow brick road

Watching mem’ries play like movies of old

And how he sang to her with his guitar

Under the shade of the sparkling night star

She beckoned and raced him to that apple tree

Where they stole touches and kisses so sweet

That tree that held witness to love in the dark

That tree that held their vow’s prints in its bark

Suddenly the sun comes and wakens the dame

With light that meant to her sorrow and pain

Her teardrop falls, as did the wilted rose

The tinkle of wind chimes follows her where she goes.

Salvation comes once again in her dreams

And as before carries her back through the years

Where nothing else mattered but her hand on his

And everything was soothed by one simple kiss

I shall return from the war do not fear

And he bent to kiss away all her tears.

Take care of the bloom I will come in time,

Surely you’ll here me with all your chimes

She waited and waited held on to his words

Deaf to all else but the chimes that she heard

So she loathed the sun and the warmth that it brought

For sunlight held none of the love that she sought

Sunlight chased all traces of him

She blamed it for memories that had started to dim

She longed for the moon and the quiet it brought

She hears the chime louder, each time, she thought.

But the rose in her room seemed to wilt helplessly,

Same as the wind chimes she heard endlessly

Barefoot I walk in that yellow brick road

Watching memories play like movies of old

How he sang of all of the vows he would keep

Make me whole again, kiss me while I sleep.

Please Review!!!

Blaider · #2 (**permalink**) 06-12-2008

*round of applause* that was a beautiful piece of work keep up the good work

atalantea · #3 (**permalink**) 06-12-2008

Sniff. Thank you.

ravenstarr · #4 (**permalink**) 06-12-2008

I have to agree with Blaider... That made my eyes open wide it was so good. I like it a lot.

atalantea · #5 (**permalink**) 06-12-2008

Thank you too.

atalantea · #6 (**permalink**) 06-13-2008

Thank you for reading. Anyway, I'd love it if readers were to tell me their favorite lines or something. Or how the poem made you feel.

Anyway, here is another one of my poems. It's about being ALMOST with someone. The so near and yet so far annoying and frustrating love thing. Sigh.

Still Echoes

It echoes through that warmth, faint and phantom it teases me,

And it stirs the air, giving me hope for what could be,

But it seems when I’m close enough to hold it in my grasp,

The wind comes to blow the words away, too weak to last.

Soundless whispers call my name, I try to catch what is not said.

I say the name with every breath and yet you hear not what is pled.

And I see you wrapped around your chosen solitude,

Every single time you entice me to intrude.

The wind murmurs secrets now, you didn’t catch, you didn’t touch,

The secret voiceless longing of the muted singer that I am,

The silence is too loud, the hope now too faint to warm,

The echoes of my silent tears, the sound of mourning now…

Yet it teases me your silence, it echoes through my soul,

Resounding like glass shattered, my breaking heart, my song.

It.Teases.Me.Still.

Anyway, please review.

Bonkutsu · #7 (**permalink**) 06-13-2008

Let me clear this off first: I'm a grumpy, jaded person when it comes to reading free verse. Meterless, rhymeless...I mean, I guess you could argue that form mirrors function, but eh.

Alright, onward to your poem.

First and foremost, I notice a snag in the writing. Liberal use of unnecessary connecting words. Sorry, I can't call forth the right term.

What do I mean like this? take, for instance, the first two lines.

I can't help but think "teasing" would be a better word to employ than "it teases." It feels like a better flow. Same goes for eliminating the "and" at the beginning of your second line. Parallel structure is good.

"Muted singer I am" would also probably flow more decently. In any case, around the end, it slows down with grammatical inconsistencies and the like.

Although I do love the rhyming couplet of

And I see you wrapped around your chosen solitude,

Every single time you entice me to intrude.

Though I question the need for putting the "and" there.

The ending imagery was excellent, as well as the bottom line.

All in all, a decent poem.

-Bonk

atalantea · #8 (**permalink**) 06-13-2008

Thank you Bonky.

Anyway, thank you for pointing it out, I do have the nasty habit of putting an AND or something unnecessary somewhere there. Sometimes I use it for rhythm, sometimes it just seems fun. I'll try to get rid of it.

So you mean do the faint and phantom and teasing instead of it teases me? Hmmm, but I like it to tease me.

Haha.

Bonkutsu · #9 (**permalink**) 06-13-2008

You're welcome. And yes, I believe that would make the first line flow better. (Along with the elimination of the first 'and') In any case, you should probably evade unnecessary fluff words in your future poems.

atalantea · #10 (**permalink**) 06-14-2008

I bet Kiss me while asleep will annoy you more.

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