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I have been writing this for some time now, and have finally written the first chapter to my novel idea To love the father and wanted to see what people thought of it. It is long, but hell, it is the first chapter. If you could let me know what you think, that would be great.

Chapter one:
As darkness descended upon Nassau, haunted eyes looked out from under a curtain of dirty blonde hair. The eyes had seen nothing but pain, torment and misery in their short life and nothing could take it all away from them. They blinked and looked around, bloodshot and red while the view was blurred to the eye’s owner. The soft blue of the eyes looked dull and had lost the sparkle which they once held. The heat was stifling and threatening to choke the person hidden in the shadows.

The malevolent cloud hanging over them was descending; giving a sense of dread to the tiny figure huddled out of sight. Nobody cared about the person, all they saw was a drunkard and slut who did nothing but pour libations of beer down their parched throat. Everything of value had been sold for money to buy more alcohol; the only thing left was a locket and the clothes that they were wearing.

As the figure emerged from the shadows, a voice shouted, “there she is, get her!”

The girl turned to run, but ended up in the muscular arms of a local pirate. His fetid breath made her nose turn up as she struggled to get free while trying not to choke. “Please, let me go,” her voice squeaked, hoarse and quiet.

“Ah come on now, why would we do that? We need a slut on board we can use when we feel the urge,” he laughed as he held onto her tightly. Tears welled up in the corner of her bloodshot eyes as she stopped struggling, falling limp in his arms. “Hah, the little wench will be of use to us,” he said as he looked her over, desire washing over him.

His hand brushed her cheek, her neck and then down to her chest before he realised that she had stopped breathing. Her body felt cold and clammy against his skin and he dropped her body like a ragdoll on the floor. He motioned to the others to go back to the ship as he made a move to hide the young girl’s body.

He dragged her back into the shadowed alleyway and rested her limply against the side of a wall, hoping that she didn’t look bad enough to implicate himself in her death. When he was satisfied that all looked well, he turned out of the alleyway and followed the rest of his crew, grabbing a bottle of grog from one of his comrades hands and downing it in one go.

“So, what did you do with the girl captain?” one asked as they made their way to the ship.

“Left her in that there alleyway,” he replied as he rubbed his temples, “she must have drunk too much, poisoned her then killed her. Hopefully the authorities won’t put two and two together.”

“But why captain? We had no part in her death,” another member spoke up.
“Be that as it may, we were the last ones with her when she was alive, they’ll implicate us,” he said wearily, “I’m going to my cabin. Nobody disturb me.”

Meanwhile, back in the town, a priest was walking down the street, rosary in hand as he prayed while he walked. He turned down the alleyway that the young girl was in, assumed dead by the pirates. He felt his way down against the wall as he lost his balance, tripping over something that was in his way. He reached out a hand and it met with skin. Cold skin. He pulled his hand back as though burned while he reached into his habit and pulled a match out and lit it, the light falling on the pale face of the girl.

“Oh my,” he said quietly as he got his bearings, “poor thing, I wonder, are you alive?”

He reached out to her neck, feeling for a pulse. There was one, but it was weak. He sighed with relief as he put an arm under her shoulder and lifted her lifeless form easily. It was difficult to carry her while walking, but as he walked, he prayed that she would be alright.

He glanced at her face and let a gasp of surprise out as he noticed several scars on the side of her cheek. She’s pretty, he thought, before shaking his head and banished the thought from his head. “Come on Nicholas, you cannot allow yourself to be ensnared by the devil and his temptation with this poor girl,” he said to himself as he walked towards the church, opening a door and carrying her inside.

“Father Nicholas, what happened?” a nun asked as she walked into the main hall.

“Sister Mary, I found this girl in the street, she’s alive thank god, but we must help her,” he said as he supported the limp body leant against him.
“Do you need some help?” she asked as she took a look at the girl, “she’ll need to be checked over, I will oversee that in the morning, it is late, you can take her into the infirmary, there’s nobody there.”

“Very well sister, I shall do that,” he said as he carried the girl into the infirmary and laid her down on the bed. As he covered her with a blanket and brushed some hair out of her face, he smiled lightly, “she looks just like an angel with her hair like that, almost like a halo. Poor thing must have really suffered.”

He sat with the young girl for what seemed like hours, making sure she was alright. Nicholas had never encountered a young person like this girl before, she didn’t seem much older than eighteen, nineteen perhaps. After what seemed like an eternity, the girl’s eyes fluttered open as she groaned audibly obviously confused at where she was and who was in the room. A noise of distress was emitted from her throat and Nicholas took her hand and held it gently.

“It’s alright child,” he said softly, “you’re safe now. Prey tell me, what is your name?”

“My name father, is Cordelia,” came the reply as she tried to prop herself up on the pillows of the bed, her limbs stiff and unwilling to move.

Nicholas smiled at Cordelia warmly, “I’m father Nicholas, the head priest here at this church, you are welcome to stay Cordelia, as long as you need.”

Cordelia smiled weakly, “I thank you,” she said quietly, her eyes looking down at her hands.

“What is wrong child?” asked Nicholas, “are you alright?”

Cordelia looked up at Nicholas and shook her head, “I’m not alright father, and haven’t been for a long time. It’s a long story, but I was running, I needed to get away, away from him, and I need help,” she replied quickly, tears welling up and falling down her cheeks. Nicholas picked a handkerchief up from the side and wiped her face.

“Come now child, surely you’re exaggerating,” he said as he gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.

“I’m not exaggerating, if I was, why would I be scarred and beaten, stuck in a life where all I can do is drink to escape?” Cordelia asked, crying more.#

“Why do you drink?” asked Nicholas curiously as he wiped the girl’s cheeks.

“It’s a very long story,” replied Cordelia, “when I was young, my father was nice to me, too nice you could say, he valued me above everything else, I thought it was because he loved me. When I became old enough to marry, he found a rich merchant to marry me to. The night of the wedding, my husband was taken ill, and died subsequently... Poison. Shortly after that, my father started abusing me, beating me and forcing himself upon me...”

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^WARNING: MAY CONTAIN NUTS...

Hmm.... this story is extremely similar to something else I've read on this site.

Nice little opening, though for a first chapter it's very shallow. You don't really get to know the character at all and the dramatization is over-done for my tastes. I'll give it a 3/5.

Keep up the good work and flesh out this story!

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Thanks ^^, I still got a lot of work to do, and the characterization was going to come a little later, the next chapter and such.

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^WARNING: MAY CONTAIN NUTS...

The msot I can do are descriptions; My expertise is poems so it's nice to see someone who can not only come up with an RP but also play it out with Npc's.

Anyway I digress; 7 / 10 on the Izaka approval scale.
Keep up the good work. x]

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