OK, so, as promised, the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL.
That's right, a non-stop flowing river of chocolate decadence.
That's right, a non-stop flowing river of chocolate decadence.
What a fucking weird commercial. Also note the comments on that video. User 'goldencorral' doing damage control, y'all.
"I SAW A CHILD BLOW A RIVER OF SNOT INTO THE CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL."
"Really sorry to hear that! Could you give me some follow-up info?"
I have no idea how it's legal to have this thing. At first glance it's like, "Yeah, that's kind of cool, looks tasty," but then on further reflection you begin to think of terms like "vector" and "transmission" and "patient zero" and start to reconsider. They don't let restaurants serve food "family style" (big bowls and serving spoons in a common dish on the table) and this seems like family style on steroids. I dunno.
Bruce told me about the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL one night on the way to GC. "Dude, they have like this chocolate river thing now, you'll see."
"Is it good?"
"No, dude. No. Just watch."
Now, they have a person who stands in the dessert section who is supposed to, I guess, guard the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL? But they are not always there, and occasionally disappear into the back of the restaurant to do whatever it is that is done back there. This is as effective as any guard who is randomly gone. But in case user 'goldencorral' is in this thread, I will say that every gross/unsanitary thing I've seen regarding the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL has taken place when this person, who I will call Deputy Sweeto, was gone.
Now, if you watched that commercial, you saw the way people are actually supposed to engage with the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL. Take a piece of something that would be good with chocolate, stick it on a skewer, stick it under the chocolate, you are done. Put it on a plate so it doesn't drop all over the place, go back to your seat, eat, enjoy, go home. Fifty return trips to the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL optional, but necessary.
So here are some things I've seen people do with the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL. Note that the real threat to the integrity of the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL is not adults, who although they may do disgusting and unhealthy things to it (such as using, say, actual fucking fudge as the material to be chocolate-covered) most of them are conscientious enough to not be unsanitary.
Oh, but unattended children, they Do. Not. Give. A. Fuck. And believe me, at GC there's going to be some unattended children, because mommy and daddy are trying to get their DPS up people, and paying attention to their precious living things might result in someone else getting more of the mac and cheese crust covering by delaying their second multiplate.
Chocolate chicken leg: This is what I saw the first time I went there and just before the only time I contemplated chocolating something up. Just as I was about to get up, I watched a little kid, probably about 6-7 years old, walk up to the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL and stick a fried chicken leg in it.
Now, frankly, this is fucking hilarious. Just really think for a minute about seeing this, the little dude just staggering over to the chocolate and plunging a fried chicken leg into it. There's no question at this point that little bits of fried batter are getting knocked off by the power of the WONDERFALL and merging with the chocolate, and I know there's nothing I'd like better on a strawberry than some soggy, chocolate-infused fried chicken coating. So already Bruce and I are laughing so fucking hard we're practically injuring ourselves, but this gets better. After thoroughly chocolating this chicken leg, the kid yanks it out from under the WONDERFALL, makes no attempt to put a plate under it or anything, and turns and walks away from the thing, trailing the chicken leg at his side like a caveman's club.
Well, it is dripping chocolate. Not a lot, but some, and no one is paying attention to it, so people are walking through this liquid chocolate and just smearing it all over the place and making a hellish, God-awful mess. Admittedly, it's just around that dessert section, which is tile, but still. Little dude walks back to his table, looks at the chicken leg with some consternation, and then just throws it under the table on the floor.
Makeshift Mole: Man, chicken mole is fucking delicious, and it's basically what I order at every Mexican restaurant who serves it. For those who don't know, mole is kind of like a spicy sauce that often incorporates chocolate or cocoa and, for emphasis, is fucking delicious. But it tastes nothing like chocolate, it's mainly peppery spicy with just a hint of the sweet-bitterness of chocolate.
Fuck me, now I want some mole. Anyway, I've seen a dude take a plate of bourbon chicken (which, to the uninitiated, is basically chicken bits in a brown fructose sauce... but okay, it's delicious too), walk over to the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL, and use a spoon to completely cover his already-soaked-in-fucking-sugary-solution chicken pieces in milk chocolate. Ol' Deputy Sweeto was there for this one, but didn't say anything because, well, what the guy was doing wasn't unsanitary or harming the fountain or anything, it was just, you know, gross beyond belief at the cellular level. As he walked away Deputy Sweeto caught me staring. We locked eyes across the restaurant, shared a brief look of "What have we seen? Others have not...", and then went about our normal business, strangers connected by a shared glimpse into the Maw of Chicken Madness.
Dude took his chocolate bourbon chicken over to the buffet, put a little rice on the side, and went and ate the whole fucking thing. Frankly I was tempted to go get a chunk or two of bourbon chicken and do the same thing myself just to see what the fuck that could possibly taste like and why someone would eat a plate of it, but then I realized that I will at some point want to look at myself in the mirror and feel proud of my life as a human being and so I didn't.
CHOCOLATE WONDERSPRAY: Occasionally you will get someone who is not satisfied with a single layer of chocolate on their treat, and they will stand for a moment and let the chocolate on their tastybit harden a smidge and put some more chocolate on it. OK so by occasionally I mean "almost everyone does this." I don't consider this horrid gluttony unless you're up there for fucking five minutes and walk away with a chocolate baseball on a stick (but yes, I've seen people stand up there and do that for literally five minutes before, I think they are mainly just trying to drip as much chocolate as possible onto the plate they hold beneath it, "Whoops, now I guess I have to eat all this too, mustn't waste!"). But this little girl takes the cake for that shit. If standing there and maybe gently blowing on your chocolate-covered tastybit allows more chocolate, then you know what would be better?
Blow on it like you're Superman putting out the fucking Towering Inferno, that's what!
The little girl dunks her krispie, pulls it out, and proceeds to blow on it like Superman put- you get it. Well, this results in little chocolate drops being blown all over the fucking place. The sheer violence of the blowing is also denuding her little treat of chocolate, so she sticks it in again and does the same thing, with the same results. So again. And again. At this point the area near her is beginning to resemble something that has seen the touch of several shotgun shells full of chocolate birdshot. At last her mother saw what she was doing and came and got her, and then, in an unusual and heartening twist, called for Deputy Sweeto and tried to help clean up. Your average mom at GC would have grabbed her child, looked around anxiously, and then slunk away. So high five, moral and responsible mom!
What the fuck are you doing OH NAW DUDE DUDE NAW CHRIST: Short and sweet and horrible as a baboon fucking a human baby. Man gets soup bowl. Man walks to CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL, fills soup bowl 3/4 full. Puts rice krispie on top. Walks back to table, crushes rice krispie with spoon, begins eating pure liquid chocolate with minor crunchy bits. JS loses faith in the future of the world.
This is sad.