Hmmm... >> Well I really don't use the Gallery all too often, do I? But you linked me here and now I have some critique to provide.
So uh, here goes;
Before I start, though, it is clear to me that you posted a rough draft, which was mentioned, but I'm just a bit confused as to why you did that. I understand you lost your more updated version, which is quite a shame, and I understand how that feels, but just going ahead and posting a rough draft is... I dunno. Personally, I would've at least proofread the draft before posting it, and re-added as many revisions as possible because, well... Like you said, some things that I may comment on might already be fixed in the full version, so that makes it harder to critique. :/ I feel like a critique on the version you are most proud of would be much more beneficial than the draft you know isn't as good as the final version.
But, that's just my thoughts on that. Moving on to the real critique;
One thing I noticed about this is that, honestly, it didn't seem to have a good flow of emotion in it. You opened up with this girl, Jane, attempting suicide, which isn't a bad way to open a story, but the problem comes in with the way it transitioned into this exposition. To me, it just doesn't seem like the things that would be going through a girl's mind as their life drains out of them. If you want to include the same sort of background information in your exposition, then I suggest phrasing it differently so that it sounds more like what Jane would be thinking about at the time, and make it all a bit more ambiguous, rather than just re-capping what's been happening in Jane's life up until this point, which seems out of place in the scene. Does that make sense?
Secondly, the ending threw me off a bit. Again, the things going through Jane's mind don't seem to be what you'd expect from a girl in this position. Not only am I sensing little emotion from her, but another odd thing here is that she seems to know exactly what's going to happen after she's dead. How she'll "wake up in the same spot as she left", well how would she know that? No one really knows what's after death and it's a bit surprising that Jane seemed so certain about it. Unless that's how this universe you've sculpted works, of course, where people are sure of what the afterlife is like, but somehow I doubt that. If that is the case, though, it would've been helpful to hint at somewhere. And even before that, back in the first paragraph, how she's expecting that she'll wake up, not dead yet, and her father will punish her for trying to kill herself. How does she know that? If someone tries to kill themselves, they plan to die. They don't plan on being rescued. So to me, I just don't understand why Jane is so certain about these outcomes. Suicide is something I'd expect someone to be more uncertain about. It would seem more realistic if her mind was, I don't know... racing, a bit more at this point. Right now it seems like not much is going on in her mind at all, which goes back to how the description of her sisters and other family members just sounds more like a summary than Jane's thoughts at the time.
tl;dr- All in all, this piece wasn't something I particularly enjoyed, but I think that's just because there wasn't very much emotion to it. I don't feel like I know Jane's thoughts right now or what she's going through. I just can't connect with her at all, really.
This story could get a lot better if there was more emotion behind it, and I think that's really the one thing it's lacking in. Fix that, and the story would sound a lot nicer, I'm sure.