10-18-11
Yes, I've decided to make another one. However, I don't think this one will be half as depressing as the old one. I deleted all of the entries. They were... surprisingly really hard to look at. I guess it's because they took me back to a time where things were actually really hard for me. I'm glad they're gone. A thing of the past, and I don't really want to look at them every again. They are now in the deep dark abyss! Lol. But yeah. I may not update often, but I do really enjoy blogging. Besides, my guidance councilor told me I should start another one to get more practice for when I get my creative writing degree in college. I figured why not, right? I've been meaning to start one for a while, actually. Besides, I liked it when people looked at the new one (: I have a feeling this one will be much, much happier than the last. Things have been... really amazing actually!
I started going to normal people school again! Granted it was the same school I left for all the rumors and shit, but... it's actually way better this year. I've made some really great friends, the French teacher is fucking sexy, and my homeroom teacher is a hot, buff, gym teacher. That I totally flirt with every day lol. I also made quite a few new friends surprisingly. Some of them are younger than me, but they're actually cool. And they didn't know me while I was in school, so they don't judge me on things they've heard about me like most people do. I've been at school for 4 or 5 weeks and I actually already have drama haha. Of course they're little 10th grade skanks that are jealous of the fact I'm well developed have nice, long legs and a huge chest. Most of them are short, scrawny as fuck, and barely have enough boobs to fill a training bra. And they wonder why I have guys looking at me and not them lol.
On another note, I'm definitely on track to graduate. That's a plus. Kinda sucky that I sit on a computer most of my day, but it's actually kinda fun. I like school. I have three periods outside of the computer lab for gym, spanish, and accounting. Which is kinda boring. But hey, what can you do? I like the teacher, and I made another friend in that class too. Even though he is a dorky freshman lol. I honestly think I only have three really close friends my age at school this year. Which is actually kinda weird, but I don't mind. My friends are just as weird, crazy, and cooky as I am! It makes me love them more each day (:
Relationship wise... well that's a tough one to explain haha. Ummmm well... I'm actually officially single. However, I am having a casual sex affair with one of my best friends. It's really fun actually. It's like the perks of having a boyfriend without having one! I mean, we go out to eat some times, have dates, have sex. Just like a relationship. While I do admit it's not quite as fulfilling as a real relationship, there's a reason for what I'm doing. I actually found the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. For real this time too. I feel bad that it took me so long to realize that it was him the whole time, but hey. We're working things out now. We're not together. Which we're sort of ok with. I can't be there for at least a year or two until I get all of my major credits accomplished for college (cheaper than going straight to uni). After that's finished up, I'm either going to a college in his state, or an hour away in mine. Haven't decided yet, though.
Either way, I've realized that he's everything I could not only need in a person but want as well. I've never been so emotionally connected to one person in my whole life. Ever since I realized it was him, I'm not capable to love another person. I find it very hard to even care about someone else's feelings. It takes a lot for me to actually care. I feel like I have no heart. To be honest, I kind of like the feeling. I mean yeah, when I can't talk to him due to unfortunate circumstances, I feel like there's a gaping hole in my chest, but I survive. I make it through each day feeling like a zombie. I feel like all my smiles are fake. All of my laughter is fake. But no one can really tell the difference. I don't mind it. I guess that's the price for handing 2/3 of yourself over willingly to someone else.
On another note, I've been very, very happy lately. I do still have my rough days, but not so much anymore. I feel.... at peace. I feel much better than I ever have in my life. I wonder if it's because things are falling into place, and I know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don't really know. I keep having pregnancy dreams. And those usually mean a sign of positive change. So far, things have been very, very positive. I've had the best day I've experienced in quite some time, actually. I guess that's what inspired me to write this. I think I might put up some pictures of me and my friends at school tomorrow. We'll have to see if I remember my camera tomorrow lol.
With Love,
Ayu <3
Originally Posted by Rilla
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Moderator
Glad a profile check proved otherwise. Anyway, I didn't follow your blog last time but I always like to hear that things are looking up for people. Hope it continues
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