View Poll Results: Vote for the best Entry!

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  • Entry #1

    0 0%
  • Entry #2

    3 42.86%
  • Entry #3

    0 0%
  • Entry #4

    4 57.14%
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Thread: WOTM #10 (Advanced)

  1. #1

    WOTM #10 (Advanced)



    Theme: Utopia/Dystopia

    • Explained: Weave a story about a Utopian (or Dystopian) future!


    Components:

    • The story is set in the past (Rome, Greece, Wild West etc)
    • Your story focuses on the society itself, rather than the characters.
    • The lead character is banished from Utopia.
    • The Utopia is inaccessible, but exists and can be seen by the character(s) of the story.
    • The story depicts the collapse of a utopian society.


    Rules for Voting:

    • Read ALL Entries.
    • Vote on your favorite entry.
    • Please post explaining your vote and why.
    • Please provide helpful feedback on the entries.
    • Do NOT post anything insulting or offensive about the entries.
    • Do NOT vote for your own entry.
    • Do NOT tell others which entry is your own.


    The Entries:











    Theme & Components Provided By:
    Brovo, Dudel, Sinrus, & Contra Fates


    General Guidelines For All:


    All participants or those interested in the contest must go to the provided links above and read over the guidelines. Users must adhere to the rules in order to participate in any of the RPG competitions.

    The 'Components' are in use, so be sure to include them, and list them in your submission. Please make sure that your submission is properly proofread, formatted, and you've previewed your PM before submitting.

    Please post any questions regarding this week's theme in this thread, or post to show general interest. If you have any questions that may hinder your entry's anonymity, then feel free to privately contact one of your WOTM mangers directly.



    _________________
    Banner Thanks To: Salvatrucha

  2. #2
    Overly Active Imagination Dudel's Avatar
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    At the very least, folks, comment on why you liked the one you voted for.
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  3. #3
    The Jack of Darkness Dark Jack's Avatar
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    If you insist, I suppose I could find the time to explain my vote. After some consideration, I placed my vote on Entry 4 in part because I thought it the most well-written of the entries, but to be honest I guess my final decision in this was determined by the fact that Entry 4 had the most engaging way of presenting its story.

    Entry 1 only seemed to barely even make the reader get a sense of the society around which the story was suggested to revolve and instead seemed to focus almost entirely on the main character. I think the main problems I have with this entry would be that it seems to build upon a story which it does not suit to be shortened down, but rather be portrayed as a longer, more detailed story. As a story as short as this, I feel that Entry 1 does not engage the reader enough in just basically saying "main character in love, main character gets kicked out of society because it sires a child without permit, main character gets vengeful and torches society." That is basically all one can learn from the story, which is sad, somehow. With more detail it could possibly have been better, especially with some portrayal of more information about the society, but as it is, it just doesn't tell the reader enough.

    Entry 2 then ironically goes in almost the opposite direction of Entry 1, telling little to nothing about the characters while at the same time presenting a decent overview of the society, but essentially it has the same problem as Entry 1 with seeming to be a long story that has been compressed into too few words. It manages to portray the society around which the story revolves rather well, and it aptly describes the emotions and motivations of the characters, yet it somehow feels like it leaves the reader unsatisfied, as though it is only a synopsis of a grander work. That, I would say, is its main drawback.

    For some reason Entry 3 irritates me, and my first guess as to how and why this is would be the style it is written in. From a narrative point of view the entry seems somehow only halfway done, telling the reader a story centered around characters without really immersing the reader in the world or characters. In my opinion, too much occurs in the story where it is simply stated that it happens, while neglecting to give even a brief immersive comment as to how it happened, which I personally think is very important to any story, and is virtually expected on Advanced level of writing. To give an example from early in the entry, in the very first sentence, the main character smells bacon, but that is as far as the description of this goes. It describes a picture, a scene, rather than the scene as viewed through a character, wherein one could also mention the character's reaction to the smell, and so forth. Another example that comes to mind which is painfully under-described is during this piece: “No, your last chance was long gone.” The man laughed while plunging his lethal claws through the woman, “Good bye.” No emotion, no explanation of the manner in which it happened, only a basic statement of what occurred.
    Besides, the grammar is a little faulty, I think, and the story of the entry seems... I don't know, uninteresting, somehow. The overall impression that the story is uninteresting might be a consequence of the other flaws, but for some reason it just doesn't catch my interest. That, and I think it has very limited relevance to the theme of this WOTM.

    Entry 4, then, did a lot of the things right that I feel the others did wrong. It takes a clear course right from the beginning, focusing on the characters rather than the society - not so that the entry might neglect the society, but simply to use the characters as a means through which to portray everything else, thus combining facts with opinions and emotions the way it should be done. It does not at any particular point feel like the entry sacrifices the quality of its contents for the sake of decreasing the length. Entry 4 gives the impression that it is just the beginning, or at least part of the introduction, of a longer work, rather than a synopsis - the result of which I think preferable to the others in which too much story is crammed into too few words. My main concern about this entry is that it seems somewhat distanced from the theme of the WOTM, as I suppose that the utopia/dystopia of the entry would be Eden, but virtually no description of what made Eden a utopia/dystopia is offered, except that it was "basically supposed to be paradise". It focuses more on the story revolving around Eden than it does about what exactly made Eden so special, the result of which does not necessarily decrease the quality of the entry, but which does make its application as an entry for this WOTM questionable.
    Noun - Jack: (archaic) A knave (a servant or later, a deceitful man). - Wiktionary

    The Dark Vault - characters of mine, both new and old.

    The Tale of Felgon Dragonslayer

  4. #4
    Duke of New York, A-1 mdk's Avatar
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    Right. Nobody asked me not to leave a review, so I'm gonna hit everyone.... if you want me to take something down, or change my tone, or be nicer, please come to me directly. I promise I won't bite your head off. Besides, I'm sure Dudel's tired of whining on mystery-peoples' behalf, so let's give him a break, huh? My goal in this is to help you guys, so if I'm not helping I need to know that from you, and any tips on how I can review better or more-helpful-ly are always appreciated.


    Righto. On to heartless, cruel, drug-induced savagery. Did I mention I'm on painkillers? I'm on painkillers. This is probably gonna be really sub-par, unfocused and lacking punch and clarity, cuz my brain is pretty much everywhere but here right now. So, uh, feel free to take the opportunity and let loose a little discussion. What am I saying that's totally fucking bonkers? Where am I wrong about a piece? What about my reviews do you disagree with? If I've ever been wrong before (and that's NEVER been proven), I'm probably wrong about something now. I bet we could all benefit from some open discussion on these stories.





    ....wow, sorry, that was appalling. I'm gonna go take a break, and maybe (probably) revisit #1 when I come back to do the rest. In the meantime, I guess I'll engage Dark Jack with a response....

    I think the main problems I have with this entry would be that it seems to build upon a story which it does not suit to be shortened down, but rather be portrayed as a longer, more detailed story. As a story as short as this, I feel that Entry 1 does not engage the reader enough in just basically saying "main character in love, main character gets kicked out of society because it sires a child without permit, main character gets vengeful and torches society." That is basically all one can learn from the story, which is sad, somehow.
    I dunno if "longer, more detailed" is necessarily the right answer. Details aren't really what's lacking, at least not from where I sit, all the details (right down to the letter of the law) are spelled out. What it needs is room to breathe, I think... Action needs the counterpoint of inaction. The whole story is condensed, we certainly agree about that, and it would certainly benefit from being LONGER, but I would hesitate to prescribe even a single detail further. Just..... slow down, take a breath, tell the story patiently and let it open up when it needs to. Peripherals, symbols, maybe an interval between pathos and pathos, I dunno. It needs more room. What do other people think?
    as goes the second amendment, so go the rest

  5. #5
    Overly Active Imagination Dudel's Avatar
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    I think our readers might need a little refresher on what Utopian fiction is supposed to do.

    Specifically this one sentence:
    The utopia and its offshoot, the dystopia, are genres of literature that explore social and political structures.
    Wiki: Utopain and Dystopian Fiction


    We do that, typically, by focusing on characters and how they interact with said social and political structures.

    Arguably, Entry #1 is Dystopian, as well, which explains quite a lot all on it's own. The purposed Utopia could very well be our authors nightmare world.


    That's why I love the genre!
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  6. #6
    Senior Member Panic's Avatar
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    So seeing as I dearly wanted to write for this topic but never found the time, I thought I might as well review the entries instead. I apologize in advance if I am not clear in what I am trying to say; it has been forever since I have written anything, let alone a critique, so do not hesitate to ask me to clarify or expand on anything. As expected, these are my opinions so take them as you may. On to the bloodbath!









    I wanted to extend my full congratulations and commendations to all of the authors of these pieces for a strong set of entries. I thoroughly enjoyed reviewing these pieces and would have no qualm about answering or expanding on anything I said so please do not hesitate to ask or even just comment on my critique.

    TL;DR: I picked entry four followed closely by entry two.
    Interest Check
    I wanted to apologize to anyone I was in the middle of an RP with for my abrupt leave from the guild. I was going back to school, which normally isn’t a problem, but my dorm has been without power and I’ve been moving all of my things in between class to another dorm so I’ve been a bit busy. I’m typing up as many responses as I can tonight and tomorrow if you are still interested in continuing. This was totally unusual and I can’t see it happening again but I’m so sorry for disappearing like that!

    "We are the miracle of force and matter making itself over into imagination and will. Incredible. The Life Force experimenting with forms. You for one. Me for another. The Universe has shouted itself alive. We are one of the shouts." Ray Bradbury

  7. #7
    Overly Active Imagination Dudel's Avatar
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    *cough*

    I don't have too much to add since I've been away from RPGuild for a few days... but I would like to say that a story can add so much with a title.

    A title is the first impression. A title tells your reader what you want them to know far before they get to your hook... in fact, your story's title should be a hook in and of itself. I can not emphasize enough how important a title is, folks.

    Now, you don't really need a title, but... it really helps.
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  8. #8
    Duke of New York, A-1 mdk's Avatar
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    It's no lie. Titles are like tees. If you tee up your golf ball the right way, you drive it five hundred yards down the center of the fairway. Tee it up wrong, you slice. Don't tee it up at all, well, hope you weren't planning on using your driver, cuz you won't be hitting anything.


    THAT SAID, don't count on your title for too much, especially if you're considering "going pro." I understand publishers like to keep control of pretty much everything that goes on the cover of a book, other than your name. That means that if they're paying the bill, odds are they're gonna call the book whatever the hell they feel like calling it. So, srs writers should learn to write something that doesn't need their specific title to be good.... and really, that's a good habit to keep anyway, even for an RP forum contest. Titles are great for "hooks," and especially with poetic pieces they're capable of lending a lot of meaning as well (like that one poem a few contests ago, where the title of the poem was longer than the poem). Still, it's my opinion that if you need your title, you're not writing well enough. To me it's like wrapping paper on a present.... yes, it can make your present look better under the christmas tree, but the last thing you want is for the person who unwraps to be disappointed by the gift, or for a reader to be built up by the title and let down by the story.


    Quote Originally Posted by nobody at all
    mdk why aren't you reviewing like you promised?
    I'm working on them, I swear. I don't know if I'll finish before the timer runs out, because I'm distracted and on narcotics and working on some other stuff and trying to RP all at the same time. But I won't forget.
    as goes the second amendment, so go the rest

  9. #9
    Overly Active Imagination Dudel's Avatar
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    Worry less about publishers and worry more about the thing on the paper that the publishers will look at. In fact, the last thing anyone should be worrying about is getting published. Focus, first, on the actual skill you are trying to sell.

    That Said: Publishers are still gonna wanna know your title. It's part of your audition, in fact. The title sticking, or not, isn't the issue. I have things that went from WOTW with one title then ended up on another site with a different title and then dA with a third and final title.


    I don't care if people start calling things "Untitled #7." Just... put a title. O.O


    Also: Publishers will want a cover page, which (by format) requires a title.
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  10. #10
    Duke of New York, A-1 mdk's Avatar
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    You need a spaceholder, sure. My point is just that if excellence is a race, you should worry more about your engine than your paint job, no matter what level you're driving at. The fact that the NASCAR cars are covered in whatever the sponsor feels like putting in there is secondary to the truth that the engine matters a whole helluva lot more than the paint ever did.
    as goes the second amendment, so go the rest

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