WOTM #16 Advanced (Voting)

[Brovo]

Considering the amount of words Brovo said he has written, I am not too sure about that. Ah, well.

Brovo. Thank you for doing it. I feel like I left that part out, so I'll just make the gratitude known. Thank you.

Well, shucks, thanks.

As for the travel log theme, it should actually be fairly easy to construct a plot around it, since you can literally jump from point to point without needing to explain how using journal entries. Since a plot is an introduction, a trigger, a rising action, a climax, a falling action and a resolution, you can literally just make log entries for each part of the plot. The travel log theme allows clever authors to cut out the excess fat and leave behind lean meat for a consumer to enjoy.

The hardest element for a travel log will be characters. I predict that to be the hardest element to nail due to the jarring, seemingly unnatural flow of a travel log unless the character remains a static brick throughout the entire tale, which is bad. Very bad. Static brick characters result in Mass Effect 3 endings.

EDIT

Four casual entries reviewed so far. Three failed entirely on one or more of these three elements: Plot (as explained above), Character (Protagonist, Antagonist, side characters, their growth, the ability to attract and connect to an audience, etc), Environment (Background characters, the world, locations, etc).

Only one of the four entries has managed to succeed on all points, and it struggles the most with characters.

[Kagamine]

So Amethyst, Squee, Kally and Holmishire; would you like to share why you voted for who you voted for?

[Jorick]

So, I decided I wanted to review the Advanced entries before the voting is over. As anyone who looks at my signature could tell, I'm also entered in this contest. Both in the interest of anonymity and because I thought it'd be fun, I've written a decoy review for my own entry so as not to reveal which one is mine. It's been over a week since I wrote it, with much writing of other things in between, so it was pretty well removed from my mind and I think I gave myself a fairly objective review in the end. Anyway, here they are.

Very neat take on the theme. I guess it could be described as a post-apocalyptic subterranean journey? Nothing even resembling that crossed my mind when I first saw "travel log" as the theme, so you get some points for inventiveness in my book. The plot is interesting, but it kind of got knocked off the rails near the end (pun intended); I'll give a little rundown of my thoughts on things as I read them. From the start I was right there with the plot, with the mystery tape recorder and strange sounds, wanting to know what happened next. Then the train, awesome, that's a neat choice for a mode of transportation for the theme, tell me more. Attack from a shadowy menace and a lack of supplies, sweet, getting into the action now. Abrupt salvation and reentry to civilization.. what? Machines and meat and work, okay, but like.. what happened to the dangerous creatures and stuff? Mystery door, cannibalism, well that's neat, creepy is good. Oh, now he's on a journey again, okay then.

So, as my kind of goofy version of it hopefully showed, the abrupt change from harrowing journey to being in Metalwork felt off for me. Expectations were built for a journey fraught with peril, but then the course was abruptly changed. It felt like a random plot twist thrown in because you either wanted cannibalism in the story or because you couldn't figure out how to take the story to a satisfying conclusion without taking it in a very different direction than it had been heading. Perhaps I'm wrong about that, feel free to correct me after the voting closes and you can identify yourself, but that's the feeling I got from the situation. Leaving the ending with no solid conclusion was unfortunate, but it's often a necessary part of staying within word limits for contests so I don't hold it against you.

Now for the non-plot stuff. Grammar and sentence structure were good, only a couple small errors here and there that I noticed. The main character was.. interesting isn't the right word, engaging maybe? He was fairly simple but relatable nonetheless. I ended up caring about his fate, which is always a good sign. The chosen format worked well for the story; I don't think it would have been as good without the entry by entry format due to the need for filler to get from one important event to the next in a story written in a more traditional format. On a related note, the story pacing was well done, nothing felt rushed or drawn out as can some writers struggle with; the format helps a lot with this, but I've seen plenty of folks do the diary style tale and still have issues with pacing.

Okay, enough of that. Despite having spent two paragraphs on mostly negative stuff and only one on mostly positive, I did enjoy this entry overall. That plot oddity is really the only problem I have with the entry, everything else is good. I blame the size disparity on my own stray desire to do a sort of stream of consciousness retelling of how the plot twist played out in my mind. I'm writing this at midnight after having woken up at 6AM after only about four hours of sleep, so my mind may not be completely stable right now. Hell, I'll probably end up rereading this entry and writing another review altogether rather than keeping this one. As it stands now though, I'd say you've got a good shot at my vote even though I haven't read the other entries. Who knows?

It's now 10AM the morning after I wrote the above... Sleep deprived self is okay at writing reviews, if a bit punchy and more prone to rambling than well rested self. I'll keep the above as my review because it amuses me and is still accurate in the particulars. Rest assured that I've read this entry in a fully rested state of mind and came to the same conclusions, so all's well in case anyone cares about votes being made in full possessions of one's wits.

Poetry is simply not my cup of tea, but I'll try and give this an objective review nonetheless.

The basic plot was alright, treachery and murder and whatnot. I was confused as to what exactly happened with the squid demon thing, there was no background given on that so it just came up randomly and left me unsure of what was going on. Your poet what relegated to the role of narrator and had little personality that I could decipher. Even the captain was a flat and uninteresting character. I didn't really care what happened in the story/poem because I didn't care about any of the characters.

As for the poetic stuff, well, as I said before it's not my thing. However, I know enough about how poetry should work that I can offer some input on it anyway. I did appreciate the alternating rhyming scheme you went for with each verse, but using the standard ABAB sort of pattern for every other verse was a little boring. That said, the rhymes were rather basic and there was no common meter that I could work out. You would probably have been better served going the opposite route, stick to a particular meter and don't bother making every line rhyme. I've read plenty of poems where rhyme is used sparingly for emphasis of important lines and linked ideas, but then used other literary devices like alliteration to keep things flowing and interesting. Not making everything rhyme would have also prevented the need for some of the awkward phrasing you had to use to make the rhyming words be at the end of the sentence ("To a vile gauntlet of a reef, he did us lead" for example).

So overall this entry left me feeling rather neutral. Didn't like it, didn't hate it. I'll just go ahead and say no vote from me, sorry.

Another interesting take on the theme. When most people think journey, stowaway probably isn't one of their first related thoughts. The plot was a little slow to get going, but once it got to Entry Three I was engaged and wanted to know what was going to happen next. I usually stop every paragraph or two and make notes for writing up my review, but for this entry I got involved enough in the story that I forgot to do that and ended up reading most of it without my usual notes. I had to go back and skim over most of it again to recall some particular things to mention. So kudos for that, it's not often I get that immersed into a short story.

So, negative bits first. The exposition in the first two journal entries was awkward. I know you wanted to get the information about the world out there, to set up the necessary facts for the story to progress, but doing so in a journal format comes off as strange. These are the sorts of things that anyone in that world would know, so why would he be bothering to write it down? It would be like me writing a journal about what I've been doing and add in something like "Obama is the president, he's a democrat and most conservative people don't like what he's done while in office." That would just feel out of place in an accounting of the events of my day, y'know? Also, the modern day slang felt a little off at first. It's not until the end of the second entry that it's really made clear that this is a thing set in the future of our world (or a world like ours, w/e), so having words like "hey" felt off until that was clear. It's a really minor thing though, it takes a real nitpicker like myself to actually notice it and care.

I could go into detail on the good points of this entry, but I already feel like a broken record after reviewing the 8 casual entries earlier this week. Instead I'll just rattle off a list of things that were good with no specifics: main character, grammar, sentence structure, and flow and pacing in the journal format.

So basically it was all good aside from the iffy exposition bits. This one's in the running for my vote.

Ah, and here I was almost expecting there to be no traditional sea voyages in the Advanced entries, but then comes this Odyssey-esque entry to get things back onto the expected path. Well, Entry 2 was also a sea voyage, but quite a bit different than this one. I would have thought this holding toward the expected path might work against you when going up against all these unique takes on the theme, but since you're sitting at second place in the votes that doesn't seem to be the case.

Anyway, the plot was fairly interesting. I liked how you used both traditional sea dangers (the kraken) as well as more original fare (the intelligent cats). However, it took too long to get into the main action of the plot and once it got there it kind of plateaued, the same level of excitement throughout the middle with no outstanding climax before it got to the point of the conflicts being resolved and the ending approaching. Perhaps if some of the word count spent on introducing the characters could have been cut down and used to instead give more description and weight to the mutiny, maybe make that feel like a real climax to the action. On the other hand, it's entirely reasonable that a long sea voyage would have a peaceful first month before having trouble. And then the character is trying to take an objective account of events (despite his personal musings), and the descriptions of events do suit someone trying to give an account of what has been happening rather than trying to tell a story with a climactic moment. Hmm... I'm just not sure if that was intentional or I'm reading too much into it. Not sure how to judge this part now. I guess I'll call it neutral and move on to other stuff.

I'll go with negative points first, then positive. The intro wasn't very engaging or interesting, too dull with nothing to hook the reader. That exposition in the second paragraph felt forced, the law for need of a log being kept was clearly a plot device thrown in just to give reason for why the log was kept; I guess it was a neat way to explain why Alester is a newbie to ships, but it still felt unnatural to me. The ending was also kind of bad. One big paragraph essentially saying "damn, these guys went through a lot, they're so awesome" and then a tiny one that gives a vague and unsatisfactory ending to the tale. It kind of feels like this is half a story, partially thanks to the mention of the sailors being released. It seems like this is just another bump in the road for the main character, not a true ending point.

On the good side of things, you clearly know how to use the language to your advantage; I only noticed one typo in the whole entry and can't recall any awkwardly phrased sentences. I got a good sense of the main character's personality and thus felt more invested in what happened to him than with some of the other journal writing characters this month that struggled to convey more than a flat personality. Despite the larger issues with pacing, each individual entry felt nicely paced and flowed well even though some covered days and some only hours worth of events. And again despite the overall issues, each action event of the plot was neat in and of itself.

So this is a really hard one to judge. Most of the individual pieces are really good, but when they're put together they seem to lose something. Nice individual plot points, overall plot felt off; nice pacing in each entry, overall pacing felt bad. I almost want to say it's a matter of good ideas with lackluster execution, but that's not quite it. It's sort of like I was given a puzzle without a reference picture, and most of the pieces looked like they end up making a really cool picture, but then when fully assembled it's just a boring image of a building instead of the cool thing I was expecting/hoping for.

I'm just going to go ahead and say this entry won't be getting my vote. I'd rather my vote go to one I liked overall that had some issues with the mechanics than one that was mechanically great but felt lackluster in the end due to plot issues. A crappy treehouse built with high quality wood is still a crappy treehouse, but an awesome treehouse built with lesser wood is awesome. Sorry.

And back to the off the wall ideas we go. This one doesn't even seem like a journey, more like the last couple steps of one, but I like it nonetheless. At first I was confused as to what components were used, but I decided on it being the single vessel and the depiction of combat. Maybe the hostile natives from the list of general travel tropes too?

Anyway, review stuff, good bits first. The plot was very interesting, the death of some kind of advanced alien come to Earth. The depiction of humans (as I took the simians to be) was amusing but also made me think a bit; what if some advanced alien species came to Earth, would they have the same derogatory attitude about us as the being in this story? The background info given with the character's thoughts were well handled, just enough to give a sense of his homeworld being a vastly different place but not enough to detract from the story at hand. The character wasn't exactly a sympathetic one, but I was kept interested and engaged by his personality nonetheless. Though it's rather unconventional, the way you handled speech was great for building the sense that these two species couldn't communicate very well and were very different. Constant mentions of how primitive the simians were helped that a lot too. Oh, and general grammar and pacing and such were all good, but I don't feel like writing out another paragraph just to say that in more detail.

For negatives, it felt a little backwards in regards to how the action was laid out. From the perspective of the character, the climax of events was getting attacked and pulled from his ship; everything else was falling action leading to the end. If it were told from another perspective it would have been shifted, with the revelation of imminent doom being the climax of the story, but it just didn't feel that way from the alien's perspective. That's the only major negative that stood out for me. One minor bit was that the name of the vessel wasn't italicized; not exactly necessary, but it's convention and it helps make clear what those capitalized words are referring to. Another was that it was rather short for an Advanced entry, but I think that's just my length-whore self talking; you told a complete story in that lesser space, so maybe I should count that as a positive rather than a negative? Either way, not going to count length against you since that's just my own silly personal preference and I'm trying to be at least somewhat objective about my vote.

So yet another good entry. This one has a chance at my vote as well, along with #1 and #3. I'll have to do some thinking and maybe read them all through again before casting my vote.

I'm left with three entries that I feel are worth a vote: #1, #3, and #5. Hrm. I like to come to a decision to post along with my reviews, but I need some time to think about this one. I'll probably edit in my rationale for wherever my vote goes when I make the decision, but for now I'll have to leave it at just the reviews.



EDIT: And I've decided on #3. Read them all over again twice in the past couple days, gave it a lot of thought, but in the end I had to give it to #3. #1 and #5 felt to me like they had some significant issues with the plot, whereas the only problem I had with #3 was a couple bits of blunt exposition that felt out of place. With the poll drawing to a close in ~5 hours it seems my vote won't impact who wins, but at least I gave my support to the entry I felt most deserved the vote.

[Kagamine]

I'll make sure I get the advanced reviews up tonight, everyone. As for whether they're actually posted tonight or very very early tomorrow morning... we'll have to wait and see.

I can't write reviews if I'm so tired that it's a struggle to form coherent sentences. First thing tomorrow, though.

[Kagamine]

Entry #1- I loved this entry from the start. The whole concept of this ringing sound leading the protagonist on a journey got me hooked almost right away, and I was on board completely for the first half or so. The suspense built up nicely and all, then, all of a sudden… Metalwork. I was still on board with everything, and expected this town to tie in with the mysterious ringing sound, but… it didn’t. It kinda spiraled off into its own plot, the story focusing around this cannibalistic city and not the mysterious ringing or even those things that were chasing the protagonist on the train. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed both stories, but that’s pretty much how I saw them- two separate story ideas that you sort of pressed together. They didn’t seem to have much of a clear relation throughout.

Though since it did sort of tie in at the end, you made it sound as if it’s one of those things where “it all makes sense once you get further into it”. Not the best approach for a short story contest, but I’m curious as to where this plot will lead. Were you planning on continuing it after the contest ends?

Entry #2- I’m going to say before I even start writing, that poetry is not my strong suit. I apologize if I don’t have a ton to say.

Well, there was an interesting story behind it, and for the first half I found myself wondering what the treacherous captain was up to- I certainly didn’t expect that he planned to feed all those slaves to a kraken, so I guess you got me there. But… I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m not a huge poetry fan, or because you tried so hard to give the entry a rhyming scheme, which not all poems need, but I didn’t really feel the effect as greatly as I should have. The rhyming made it feel more lighthearted than it should be with a story like that. I think the fact that “Poet’s Log” made me chuckle upon first reading it adds to that. But that’s just my opinion. I did enjoy the story, though.

Entry #3- Now this was an enjoyable entry. I love the concept, first off. Lightning fishing- it almost seems believable in some future where fossil fuels are almost non-existent and everyone needs alternate sources of energy. It’s a bit hard to picture, capturing lightning in high-tech tubes, but interesting to imagine. The plot is… well it doesn’t show a clear direction from the start, since I’m not even sure why Hunter was stowing away on the ship in the first place (didn’t he say that stealing lightning rods for his family was a lie?), and I pretty much just figured the point of the story was Hunter avoiding being caught. But then he got all buddy-buddy with the crew and I wondered again where this was headed. Then the attack came and, well… the plot wasn’t consistent, is what I’m saying. It was interesting, but there wasn’t much of a direction to it. I feel like if it kept the same plot throughout, it would’ve been more engaging. Nice work with the concept and world, though.

Entry #4- Another interesting tale. I liked watching each death be recorded, as the number of remaining crew members whittled down like a countdown. It reminded me of the Odyssey, except the version I read of that in school was written in the most boring and anticlimactic way possible, so good on you for doing better than that. I also especially loved the concept of that fruit, the “fruit of madness” as it was called at the end, and how it slowly dawned on Chayle and likely others that things were getting worse and worse and everyone was becoming more violent after their visit to the island. I wish I could’ve heard more about what it was like to see tensions rise so high as the crewmembers grew more and more addicted to the fruit rather than just hear the death toll afterwards, but, a disadvantage of writing in logs, I suppose. You did well, given the components.

Entry #5- First of all, let me say that I love the angle you went with on this entry. Extra points for thinking outside the box, in a number of ways. I’m suddenly finding myself wanting to know more about this alien species, for example; do they all have “irradiated blood”? How is this ability to practically absorb the souls of others used in their own society? You succeeded in making me curious, though I wished I could’ve learned these things in the actual entry. The alien you’ve come up with is unique, but rather strange. Secondly, when the protagonist arrives, I’m soon led to believe that he arrived in the Stone Age, given the description of the “simians”. In fact, Native Americans are the first things that come to mind. But then later they’re depicted as having iron, and then the elders are described, and I picture them from a more modern time. Honestly, at this point, I’m just not sure where or when the protagonist is. I’m just confused at this point. I really like the idea and concept, but more explanation is required on this one. Otherwise, I would’ve enjoyed it even more.

[WOTM]

Congratulations Asperser!

The Journey

Entry #1
I found a tape recorder by the foothills in the tunnels yesterday. I’m not sure where the recorder came from, but I recognized the black square shape from a picture I saw in a book in the library back in town. I fixed it up by connecting two wires with some gum and I’m surprised to see it working. Ha! Ha! This thing must be hundreds of years old! I wonder where it came from, but I am just happy to get it to work. I can’t wait to hear what my voice sounds like when I play this back.

Entry #2
I woke up to a ringing sound. It’s been ringing in my ears since this morning. I’m not sure this is normal. I have heard stories about people who hear strange sounds being lead away from town, but I didn’t think they were true. What am I going to do? Am I going to disappear and never return? I tried talking to mother about it today, but she wouldn’t listen. She is always spoiling little Lily back at home. I guess I should go back to the mines to dig more space for the plants. The town is growing, but there isn’t room for all of us underground.

Entry #3
The ringing is getting worst, and I’m starting to get weird dreams. I have been reading the books in the library and it really seems that I have that disease. The one that drives people crazy. They say the ringing sound is God calling you to paradise. That if you follow the sound you’ll be taken away to a faraway place where food grows on trees, the water is blue, and the air smells like flowers. It’s a story people tell to kids so they don’t cry at night about being hungry. It can’t be real, but if it isn’t real, then what’s happening to me?

Entry #4
I can’t stay in town anymore. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. All I hear is this ringing in my head. The people around me don’t understand. No one understands. They think I’m making it up because I’m a kid. But I hear it. Softly. Bells. Ringing bells. I need to leave. I need to go somewhere to make it stop. I am going to pack my things and go to the tunnels tomorrow. I have to get away. Get away from this place.

Entry #5
I found an abandoned train after looking for a way out of the tunnels. The ringing gets quieter the farther away I am from town. Does this mean I am going the right way? I don’t know what’s happening anymore. I feel so lost and confused. I looked around the train to see if I get it running. The back of the train is stuck under some rocks, but I have a shovel. If I get the rocks away maybe I find some way to push it forward.

Entry #6
The ringing is back again, but it isn’t as bad as it was when I was town. It seems to get louder when I stay in one place for too long. I got rid of the rocks and found some hand pumps inside the train. The door was rusted shut so I had to use the mining pick to pry it open. I tossed my gear off to the side and started jumping up and down on the pumps to get them to work. The headlights of the train flared up and light up a deep tunnel. Now that I think about it...If I do get the train moving. Where is it going to take me?

Entry #8
The train is moving now. Slowly moving. I hear the wheels creaking beneath me as they grind forward. The nice thing about the train is it has indoor lights like my house. So I can turn off the flashlight on my helmet and not be blind. I guess for now this train is my home. I have to get back to the pumps in a couple minutes to keep it going, but I’m beginning to think leaving town wasn’t a bad idea.

Entry #9
Hit a rock while I was half-asleep and nearly fell over my seat right on top of my pickaxe. I decided after removing the rock with my shovel to put all pointy objects in the back of the train. I am trying to stay awake so I can keep the pumps going. I only have so much food and water with me. If I don’t get somewhere soon. I might end up dying. I don’t want to think about it though. I just need to keep the train moving. I can't walk back to town anymore.

Entry #10
I am hearing scratching noises. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t get any sleep because of it. I put my shovel in between the handles of the door I broke open with my pickaxe to keep it shut and checked all the windows to make sure they were closed.

I keep the train going and the noises stop, but when the train stops they come back. Is something following me? Everything except people and plants were supposed to be dead right? That’s everyone always told me. So that means I must be imagining these noises. It’s just little old me and the train. Just me. And the train.

Entry #11
The noises are back. Can you hear it? It sounds like a lot of people talking to one another. The lights are off and I am too tired to push the pumps anymore. This must look so ridiculous if any of my friends saw me like this. Ha-ha. Huddled to a corner with a pickaxe with my flashlight on. I mean I am the bravest person in Lamplight. Noises can’t scare m-.

Entry #12
................................

Entry #13
I wrapped my hands in bandages from my first aid kit and patched up the broken window with some planks of wood. I don’t want to remember what happened. My hands are still shaking and one of those things is still stuck against the wall where I smashed my pickaxe into its hideous head.

I…I don’t have anything left. The food. The water. It’s all gone. The things went after it before going after me. I guess this means if I don’t get somewhere soon I’ll be dead. It’s hard to think about it, but the thought has been sinking in. I might die. I might really die. I can’t believe it.

The tunnel continues to go on and on no matter how many times I pump the train. I might get somewhere before I die and that’s what is keeping me going. I’ll get somewhere before I sleep tonight. Somewhere with food and water for everyone.

Entry #14
I am feeling better despite not eating anything. I mean I am hungry, but I don’t feel as sad as I did before. I got two big rocks balanced on a rope that pumps the hand pumps now. It is slower than if I did it myself, but all I got to do is readjust the rope if the rock completely falls onto one side.

Less work for me and the train has been going nearly non-stop since I figured out how to balance everything. I am looking out the window now and the tunnel is looking pretty fancy. There are all sorts of colors coming off the walls. I wonder if the story was really true and I’m being whisked away to paradise! Ha-ha. That would almost be too good to be true.

Entry #15
I had another strange dream last night. I am standing on the hill outside town right before the tunnels. There is a black haze around town and the ground beneath me suddenly turns into mud. I see everyone sinking into the mud except these shadows.

The closest shadow looks up to me and as I get a better look at it I realize it is a boy with green eyes. He is saying something important, but I can’t make out his words. He points to the shadow to my right and I realize that shadow is me.

I know it is probably silly for me to be thinking about dreams when I got bigger problems to worry about, but there is something about these dreams that seem so real. My throat is getting pretty dry though so I’ll start whispering from now on. I wonder how mother and Lily are doing.

Entry #16
Everything hurts so much. I can hardly move. I feel like my insides are eating me from the inside out. I can’t get off the floor. I hear voices outside the train. I think those things are back. I guess this is the end. The door is opening. Mother, Lily, I ju-

Entry #17
Am I dreaming? I am in town called Metalwork. That’s what Kyle says. The boy with the green eyes. I know crazy right? I met that boy in my dream. Kyle found me yesterday after an earthquake tore open a hole in their town. The train had stopped a few meters down from that hole.

Is this what you call good luck? The doctor tells me that I’ll be good to move tomorrow after I get some rest. I thought Lamplight was the only town left in the world. I can’t wait to explore tomorrow. Though, I think I should hide the recorder somewhere in my shirt before the doctor gets back. I get a funny feeling the way Kyle looked at it earlier that things like that aren’t allowed here.

Entry #18
Meat! They actually have meat here! It’s amazing. Metalwork has all these machines and when you want food you just press a button on the wall and it pops out of a tube! I didn’t even know things like this existed. I’m still a bit weak from not drinking water for so long. So I wasn’t able to see all of town, but I did get to play in the water pipes today with Kyle and his friend Molly. Ha-ha. It’s almost like my entire trip has been a horrible dream. I like this place a lot. It wouldn’t be too bad to live here. I think I’ll stay here for a while.

Entry #19
Work. Work. Work. They say everyone has to do their part and no one can be a freeloader. Ok. I get it. Kyle showed me around the machines and told me how to make sure they are working right and we went up and down the pipes patching up the holes with some weird mush of things that kept them from leaking. He didn’t show me one area of town though. Its way in the back and has a bunch of locks on it. I’m guessing its some super important room that no one can go to, but he didn’t even know why we were suppose to keep out.

That’s was really weird to me. I guess. I mean I didn’t notice it before, but there are all these rules you have to follow. When you can go to certain places, when you can sleep, or when you have to wake up. I guess following the rules is better than you not getting fed and dying horribly for being lazy, but I don’t see why you need rules for when you have to sleep. As long as you wake up on time the next day you should be okay right? Maybe I’ll get used to it over time.

Entry #20
We need to leave. Me and Kyle went to that super hidden secret room last night. I got my pickaxe from the train and we broke in. I mean I told him if you are eventually going to grow up and take over you should know what’s behind that door. And he was like. I know. I don’t like all these rules and then said something about people should know why they should follow them or not and then we broke in. It’s a machine for people behind that door. I mean it's a machine that takes people and cuts them up for food.

What kind of crazy person would make something like this? And I-I have been eating…people! I threw up everything as soon as we got back to the house. We got to get out of here. We got to take everything and get out. The last thing I want to do is get chopped into little pieces when I can’t work anymore. I told Kyle to tell anyone he trusts to pack their things and go. The train is still working. I can get it to move and we can find a better place for all of us to go.

Entry #21
I don’t get it. We told people about the machine, but they didn’t want to leave. I don’t understand. Even Molly didn’t want to go. She said it’s better to stay. Better to stay and get chopped up then try to find a better place. I know it might be a long shot, but isn’t it better to try to find a better place than to stay in place where you eat your friends to live the next day?

I don’t get it at all. Me and Kyle are on our way now. We left Metalwork last night and took everything except the meat with us. I don’t think I can ever look at anything red the same way. I guess the only good thing is the rope and rocks I had set up for the pumps in the train are still working as well as they did before. Now that it is me and Kyle we take shifts to get the train going all the time. Are all people like this? If I didn’t hear that crazy ringing sound would I still be in Lamplight?

There is a red flashing light at the end of the tape recorder. I think it is running out of memory. So this might be the last time I hear myself. Ha-ha. Oh well. We will get somewhere. I just know it. Us and this train.

The End.

Epilogue

Entry #22
It’s Kyle. I don’t know why Flow wants me to talk to this weird black box. She says she checked and said I should at least say something before it runs out of memory. Something to remember me by if we ever get separated. I think it’s stupid. I mean if we get separated it means we are probably dead since we are both in the same train. Whatever though.

I don’t really know what to say. Nothing to say besides everyone is stupid. Molly if you hear this you suck. You should have come with us you idiot. If I ever get back there and you are still alive. I am going to take you away. By force this time. No depressing conversation. Just pick you up and leave with you. Everyone else can die for all I care. Stupid people will be stupid.

I think that’s it. I can’t think of anything else. I guess my head also hurts from yesterday, but the ringing sound in my ear has gotten a lot better since we left town. I keep thinking I must have hit my head on something on the way down to the train, but I can’t remember.

And also as much as I don’t like to admit it because Flow loves talking about this train. This train has a funny way of making you feel safe. I took a look around the side of the train when I picked up Flow for the first time and found the word “Hope” painted on its side. What that mean? Is this train special or something? I think I’ll take a look at the other cars after Flow wakes up. It is going to be a long day today and this girl sure knows how to sle-

To be continued…

Sharp contrast against the nautical tales that most of this month's entries fell under, Asperser won over the majority vote with a unique and interesting story of a girl led away from her home by a mysterious ringing sound, setting out on a journey with the most unexpected twists and turns. Once again we're looking at a first-time entrant, who bravely entered advanced as a newcomer, and won! It's clear Asperser's outside-the-box thinking earned them a well-deserved victory, so let's be sure to give them our congratulations!

Asperser: Please PM Contra Fates about your custom user title.

I now encourage all writers who participated this month to use the next couple days to reveal themselves and respond to comments/critique given before the next Guidelines thread is up.

[Asperser]

I have a lot of questions I should be answering....wait please...as I search through the last 4 pages...

But many thanks for the feedback everyone. The concept for the story is actually the first part of a novel I'm planning for in November. I decided to revamp an idea of the RP I made two years ago. It's actually way different than it was originally intended. A few people might remember it by the bell noise, but if anyone is interested I can repost the premise and a banner I made through photoshop.

[Kagamine]

I have a lot of questions I should be answering....wait please...as I search through the last 4 pages...

But many thanks for the feedback everyone. The concept for the story is actually the first part of a novel I'm planning for in November. I decided to revamp an idea of the RP I made two years ago. It's actually way different than it was originally intended. A few people might remember it by the bell noise, but if anyone is interested I can repost the premise and a banner I made through photoshop.

I never would've guessed that the story was based on a roleplay. That's actually very impressive, I think. You certainly succeeded in re-writing it in story format rather than still letting it sound like an RP. Well done.

[Asperser]

Ok. So. Here we go, but before I respond. Thanks again for everyone responding. I had changed the story so much from the original that I wasn't sure whether it would be as effective. So these feedbacks are something I really wanted to get out of the competition even if I didn't win. I'm happy I got a lot. Its more for me to consider when I start writing out the rest of the story. Also, I had a huge goof in the story. Flow's name is actually written as Flo. Flo for Florence. I suppose it's not a huge goof since Kyle pronounces it as Flow which has a good bit of meaning in itself, but I'm still a bit torn about it. Flo or Flow? Argh?!? So OCD about the lamest things.

Entry one is disturbing. Some parts you have to really think about to understand their meaning. The cannibalism really disturbed me, and the epilogue took me by surprise, with the sex of the protagonist and the character of Kyle speaking out when I originally believed him to be a figment of the mind. I had trouble distinguishing the age of the character - but it didn't really matter in the end. Without wanting to ruin anything for those who haven't read it yet - it's a well thought-out piece and well worth the read.

Haha. (>.<). I purposely masked the age of the kids in the story. I thought about the setting they were in and thought it wouldn't be appropriate to add the concept of days, months, and years to the setting. Since concept of time is largely derived from the sun and the position of the world through the stars. Things you wouldn't notice underground. You are either little, big, or a grown-up in the story.

Its my little homage to Fallout 3 along with the name of the first town Lamplight. haha. I'm glad you noticed that some things in the story have multiple meanings. Its a bit of a mesh of little parts from a lot of my favorite stories told in a slightly different way. Though I didn't get to fully explore the meanings because of the journal format and I think that might have confused some people.

1. Awesome story – I liked it….up until you changed it somewhat halfway through. The change of pace left me a little confused. The bit with the unknown ringing noise and the scratching was excellent, building up tension and it was a fear of an unknown entity. Then it switched to the cannibalism story. Not saying it was bad but the change of pace was a little jarring and I didn’t understand if the ringing noise and the new city were connected or not. If they were it wasn’t made clear. But then I’m notorious for reading comprehension fail. As far as I could tell there is something about the train and the ringing noise which is foreboding – perhaps someone could explain to me what it was?

Argh!!! *Smashes head into the wall*. I know. I know. I've been sickle and sick after not doing a proper transition to the train to the town. At the time, I could not figure out how to get to the train to the town without breaking the tension. Originally, there was a deeper dream sequence where Flow starts mixing up her dreams with reality and wakes up to find herself in Metalwork. A lot of previous stuff that was alluded to starts to make more sense. And her shadow, the one in the dream before begins to talk to her, and you get a sense that her dream is in actually crazily very real.

But of course. In a journal format, you can't have a dream sequence because of the tape recorder. Flow has to be conscious to speak. Later. I realized that I could have had her mumble through the tape recorder incoherently. Or had one of the people who carried her fiddle around with the tape recorder. Argh. I've been smacking my head against the wall cause I didn't think of it in time. Since those were good ways of mellowing out the action. Oh well though. It did give me a good idea of where I slipped and fell. As for the ringing sound. The epilogue alludes that Kyle himself after leaving didn't leave just because Flow told him so. He also had a ringing sound in his ear.

As for what is foreboding about the train. That's something I wanted to explore later. The train itself has its own back story, but I haven't decided which way to take it yet.

Fave lines: I keep the train going and the noises stop, but when the train stops they come back. Is something following me? Everything except people and plants were supposed to be dead right? That’s everyone always told me. So that means I must be imagining these noises. It’s just little old me and the train. Just me. And the train.

Hehe. That's my favorite line too.

In the end, I voted for the first. I loved your little take of it, and you delivered a story which feelings kept me reading because I sincerely wanted to know what would happen. If it had been a novel, I would probably not have put it down yet, I’d still be reading. I don’t know if a whole novel could have been filled with only logs, but… hahaha. Anyways. I was reminded of certain emotions that I get while reading a work of art. Some elements might have been just that slight bit cliché or predictable, but who says that can’t be a good thing? Good job to you. Make sure to send me a message if you get going with the continuation. I’ll eagerly await it.

Hehe. Made me giggle. But yes. I'm excited that you felt certain emotions in the story. There was a particular emotion I felt after watching one part of a french animated movie. The movie itself wasn't particularly good, but there was one specific moment where I wanted to take that concept and make that feeling a theme throughout this story. Thinking about it actually inspired me to pick up the RP idea and revamp it after a couple years. I'm pretty happy a lot of the people enjoyed the first part of the story. That was the feeling I was trying to convey.

There are several little things about this entry that make it my favorite. The first is how quickly it deals with the "travel log" issue. Using that specific component could easily lead to dozens of stories all starting the same way - the log keeper offering an explanation for the narration that feels very forced and self-aware. As readers, we recognize the patterns, and if both you and I know we're going from A to B, stretching it out serves neither of us. Having the log keeper start with such a simple set-up (fixing the recorder, beginning the first recording with a celebration of having done so) allows you explain the log quickly while offering some insight to the lead's attitude and capabilities (tinkering, curious, good with her hands).

Other people have mentioned the effectiveness of the 'ringing noise' angle in building up tension, but I think the lead's mindset is even more interesting. Although Flow has some understanding of what's going on, she never quite seems comfortable - there's always something going on that's beyond her comprehension.

The shift to the cannibal city is interesting, but I can't help but agree with above posters that the tension feels dead for a while after that. I understand the need for this section, though, and ultimately the story benefits more from further demonstrating Flow's inability to understand why the cannibals choose to live that way.

There are some minor nitpicking things here and there - sometimes Flow's lack of contractions and stiff language come off weird when you consider this is essentially a transcript of her speech, for example - but overall this entry felt streamlined, and, in my opinion, the most accessible.

I'm really happy you noticed how accessible it was. I thought about what kind of books I really liked to read. Accessibility was pretty high on whether I'd keep reading. So I tried VERY HARD lol not to go crazy and keep the language as simple as possible while making the environment as interesting as possible. I spent too much time in the start trying to figure out a good mix and I bite the dust for the second part because of it.

*Slam head again against the wall*

Ahhhh. And as for Flows speech. I felt the same way. There are times where I wanted to change up Flow's language, but I every time I did so I felt that I was breaking her character and felt even more troubled when I read it. I'm sure when I write more about her I'll feel more comfortable to express a wider range of emotions, but I felt with it being a journal that people express their happiest emotions and try not to delve to hard into their sad ones, especially when they are going to replay what they said later.

I don't think the pacing or tension shift is a failure so much as an...awkward period in the lead-up to the reveal of the food source. It seems too quick, at first, but by the end of the piece I appreciated the fact that it didn't linger too long on the situation. If anything, the fact that they look back at the whole 'defeatist cannibal' issue with annoyance more than sheer horror helps us better understand the mindset of Flow and Kyle. They have accepted the world, it seems, despite how ugly it is, because the train offers them a chance to find something good in it. The promise of forward movement seems to allow them a degree of levity when dealing with what is typically some creepy stuff.

Speaking of creepy, recording 12, huh?

I felt I should address this lol even though it was at Platinum. The idea behind the story was that in this setting everything is dyed a moral grey. You accept bad things that happen because that's how the world works and you go about living with an apathetic life, content to live because dying is just too scary.

There are somethings like cannibalism that shock you instinctively, but for the most part you are right in suggesting that Flow and Kyle are desensitized. The greater journey, and hopefully I am not spoiling to much of this by saying it, is a journey to find the humanity they never had.

Of course none of this gets translated in the beginning. Haha. You work on survival first on the psychological tree. Once that's out of the way you can work yourself up to emotional needs.

So, as my kind of goofy version of it hopefully showed, the abrupt change from harrowing journey to being in Metalwork felt off for me. Expectations were built for a journey fraught with peril, but then the course was abruptly changed. It felt like a random plot twist thrown in because you either wanted cannibalism in the story or because you couldn't figure out how to take the story to a satisfying conclusion without taking it in a very different direction than it had been heading. Perhaps I'm wrong about that, feel free to correct me after the voting closes and you can identify yourself, but that's the feeling I got from the situation. Leaving the ending with no solid conclusion was unfortunate, but it's often a necessary part of staying within word limits for contests so I don't hold it against you.

No you are absolutely correct. Though the main character is a she not a he (^.^). It was a not built up properly due to it being almost the deadline when I finished and that I could not properly transition it with the journal format. Argh. I explain more of it in Kagamine's post, but the transition was originally a dream sequence, one of the one's she's been having the entire time, and that while she starts to mix up reality with her dreams she arrives in a town almost identical to the one she started in.

Metalworks and Kyle were ideally suppose to be a parallel for the start of her journey in the beginning, but I found so difficult to include in a journal entry that it came out as a completely different story. I'm still smacking my head against the wall for such a failure. I wished I had more time to fix it, but I had only a day after finishing the rest of the story that I felt completely exhausted and just submitted it >.< GAH.

Now for the non-plot stuff. Grammar and sentence structure were good, only a couple small errors here and there that I noticed. The main character was.. interesting isn't the right word, engaging maybe? He was fairly simple but relatable nonetheless. I ended up caring about his fate, which is always a good sign. The chosen format worked well for the story; I don't think it would have been as good without the entry by entry format due to the need for filler to get from one important event to the next in a story written in a more traditional format. On a related note, the story pacing was well done, nothing felt rushed or drawn out as can some writers struggle with; the format helps a lot with this, but I've seen plenty of folks do the diary style tale and still have issues with pacing.

Thanks. Yes. The story would have been impossible had it not been a journal format, but at the same time was terrible because having to think about being consistent drove me INSANE. AHHHH. Thanks again for the feedback. I need to work on my transitions.

Entry #1- I loved this entry from the start. The whole concept of this ringing sound leading the protagonist on a journey got me hooked almost right away, and I was on board completely for the first half or so. The suspense built up nicely and all, then, all of a sudden… Metalwork. I was still on board with everything, and expected this town to tie in with the mysterious ringing sound, but… it didn’t. It kinda spiraled off into its own plot, the story focusing around this cannibalistic city and not the mysterious ringing or even those things that were chasing the protagonist on the train. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed both stories, but that’s pretty much how I saw them- two separate story ideas that you sort of pressed together. They didn’t seem to have much of a clear relation throughout.

You got me. Everyone. Has got me. I have been slamming my head for not tying the two stories together very well.

*Slams head against the wall the fifth time*

I was so angsty and had mixed feelings about it that its been edging at me since I have been reading everyone else's comments about it. The connection between Metalwork was that it was ideally suppose to act as a parallel with Flow's own hometown.

Kyle was suppose to be a parallel for Flow before the ringing sound drove her crazy. She finds another town, almost exactly like her own, and begins to wonder whether she would have left if given a choice. I had a incredibly tough time with the Journal format at this part because when you write a journal you skip all the exposition that would make all of this more natural.

Especially, the conversation between Molly, Kyle, and Flow. And all the crazy dreams she's been having. It's, taking my own experience from writing in my Diary, a thing where you only talk about the most important thing that you remember happened that day. You skip a lot of the little allusions that can really connect something that seems so far off in another direction.

That and I had quite literally could not figure my head how to connect the two at the time since I had spent a ton of time, hopefully it shows lol (^.^), on the exposition from the train ride and taking care not breaking anyone's suspension of belief. I had finished this a day before it was due and was totally brain exhausted haha. Two weeks was not enough >.<. I have a good feeling if anything Brovo will come at the second part with a hatchet in hand.

Already dreading it. I'm hoping the rest of the story has enough mass to take the sharpness out of his review. If not I can always point to his typo in the Casual review and poke him with it. Poke. Poke. Poke.

Though since it did sort of tie in at the end, you made it sound as if it’s one of those things where “it all makes sense once you get further into it”. Not the best approach for a short story contest, but I’m curious as to where this plot will lead. Were you planning on continuing it after the contest ends?

Yes. I plan on continuing it though I keep getting distracted and writing it takes so much of my brain power. I feel that I don't have enough experience to be telling a story about humanity, but I 'm human so I'll be taking my own personality as baseline.

I have been dissecting the Bible, Daoism, and Classical Short Stories to give myself more insight into the motivations of people. It's probably going to be less ambition than I make it sound since I have already read a lot of the stories, I mean Pied Piper of Hamelin? I'd be very disappointed if people didn't get that allusion. I just need to reread them to figure out what I really liked about them. And then I'll create a monster book so awesome nobody can stop reading. Bwahahahaah. Ok. Maybe not everyone, but at least a lot of people.

As for where the plot will lead. Well.

The plot leads to paradise of course. (^.^)

[Kagamine]

I wouldn't beat yourself up so badly about the transition, Asperser. You still won the majority vote, and, in my opinion, the transition (which you've already stated is hard to put in logs) is really the only major flaw in the story. The rest of it is great, and I'd love to see how well you can write the story in a non-log format sometime. If you get more of this done and post it somewhere, you'll have to VM me a link or something.