Originally Posted by
Scribz
Mkay, serious response.
I've never broken up with a girl, because i've only ever been in a real relationship with someone once, and that girl broke up with me.
So I wouldn't really know if it's any different from telling a girl you've been seeing that it's not working out or not.
All I could say is that, for the amount of pain I felt when I was dumped, which was a lot of pain considering I spent the next 6 months in a crippling depression (mind you she cheated on me, twice) before I got my life together.
All I could say, for true, is that it still felt worse for me, not in terms of hurt or pain or loss, but in self-loathing and guilt, that breaking up with someone I had only been seeing, hurt a lot more than being broken up with.
It has to do with dependency in the end. When I was in a real relationship, I was torn the first time she cheated on me, but I forgave her. Not because I had any reason to, I knew the guy, I hated the guy, and she was fairly unforgiving about it. But because I was dependant on her for my happiness. I had not cultivated a life or a lifestyle that really deserved her at the time - and yes she did horrible things but in the end if you knew me at the time you wouldn't blame her. I was pathetic, I was wanting, I was lost, I was a kid basically. I didn't even have the reference experiences from life to know that what I was doing right or wrong. So even though I blamed myself for it, which I shouldn't of at the time. It did give me the motive and the means to change, and later on in my life when those changes started to pay off I realized that these changes were better for me regardless of if it got me better suited for courting or not.
What I'm trying to illustrate here, is that the pain someone feels, from breaking up. It goes more than just losing that person, but also what that person being there meant to them in the end. I had self esteem issues, I was timid, I was unprepared for a lot of things men are meant to be prepared for. Guys my age had grown up playing football while I just doodled and thought up imaginary worlds in my head. So by the teenage years they were far more active and outgoing (and therefore more sociable for it) than I was. So all these problems I had; and for valid, understandable reasons if you consider the environment I grew up in, they seemed to be covered up, no longer relevant as soon as I had a girlfriend.
So, my trust of her was torn before the relationship ended, my love for her was torn before the relationship ended, but my want and need of her was not. You have to understand, that for women in general around the ages of their teens to their 20's. They, for the most part, have image issues that compare to "loserly" guys like me back then. Regardless of how sociable they are, or how good looking they are. Because society puts these pressures on them. Guys for the most part cope more independent as women because we're expected to. When you're sad or unhappy about losing a girl, or something else. Your friends don't all come around with rom com's and icecream, do they?
We're taught to hide these emotions, and we're in turn taught to handle them a lot better.
What this all means though, and again - generalities (I always speak with the broad stroke) - is that you can't hold yourself to the pain you cause this girl when you do break up with her. A lot of that pain will be an expression or a feeling of loss of a blanket that made the negatives of her self image no longer relevant. For instance those times you said she looked cute, and she went "really?" and those times when you called her beautiful etc, because that's the decorum of a boyfriend. These all kept her fears and insecurities at bay.
And whatever pain of loss she's going to go through will also be a loss of that safety net between her and her fears. The sad truth is, is if she was to do the smart thing, she'd solve a lot of her issues, or take a bit of time to herself to realize a lot of her issues are bullshit.
But that takes self determination, and for an attractive girl it's far more easier to just find another boyfriend. I mean unless you have another girl stacked up in queue after this girl. Chances are you'll see her with a boyfriend before you'll see yourself with another girlfriend. And you'll go through the typical "Aw shit maybe I shouldn't of broken up with her" trail of thought. But that's just life, and it's also a little bit of comedy in my opinion but whatever.
Point is, when you break up with this girl, it's going to hurt her, and it's not going to be because of you in the end. It'll be because of what the rejection of you means to her.
But, if she was a confident person without these fears, had she taken the time out to find herself and accept herself. Then this would be a lot easier for her, and therefore a lot easier on you.
So you can't blame yourself on everything that's going to hurt her when you do, do this.
And if you accept that, then at least you'll be able to be honest and sincere about breaking up with her. It shouldn't be filled with "Hey honeybaby you're so beautiful you're great blah blah blah blah i'm breaking up with you, omg you're so amazing still i'm a douche", to overcompensate.
It shouldn't be overtly cold and blunt just to save yourself the extra time and energy in having to see her upset because of you.
It should in the end just be honest, and true to the point. And it's not that she's stupid. You're saying that to yourself, and you're saying that to us.
Chances are, i'm guessing. It's because you decided you wanted a girlfriend for the exact same reasons I put out there. You didn't want to be that guy who has to go through the pressures of trying to get laid because all of yo homies do. You wanted a bit more stability in your life and you also wanted to just feel good about yourself with this girl and live in a nice little warm nest on the rooftops of your campus where you didn't need to do backflips for some sex, and you could spend your weekends with cuddles and movies and feel good about each other. But when reality sunk in, you realized that this girl - as lovely as she is - wasn't going to change the fact that you did this for the wrong reasons. You wanted a change in lifestyle, and you wanted a change of pace, and she was pretty cute so you thought "why not?". When now you're dealing with the realities of things, and you realized "actually I never wanted to be in a relationship with this person, I just wanted to be in a relationship" (or, it was "I never wanted to be in a relationship with this person, I just wanted like...say, 3 nights with this person? Maybe a couple mornings also?". It depends on the kind of guy you are).
Forget everyone else trying to give you the guilt trip here, because quite frankly everyone in this thread who judged you negatively one iota can go fuck themselves. This is your life, your emotions, and you can't change them.
But, before you break up with this girl. Do the adult thing and really ask yourself why. Don't bullshit her with some bullshit reason, and don't bullshit yourself either.
She deserves better.
So do you.
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