... that is my character in Turt's DnD campaign.
We're talking about the FULL MEOW ALCHEMIST, self made pussy bitch, human soul stuck inside of a cat, been that way for three full years.
But what's that? Bitch, this cat doesn't need no fucking hands to handle shit, she's a fucking psychic, has a telekinetic field projected around her up to 5 fucking feet away that lets her carry stuff with her fucking mind. She gonna force choke a bitch.
And her claws, and teeth, dat 2d3+1d4 damage, it's unbelievable, she will fuck you up.
Now I know what you're thinking, why doesn't she just psychically wield a sword like a boss? Because she's too fucking HARDCORE like a 90s era Comic Book Character. She don't need that shit, she has her own cat hands to fuck a bitch.
Around her neck, is a mother fucking bag of holding. That shit be filled to the brim with all sorts of stuff. She's got a powdered wig, a rake, a razor, scissors, a wooden spoon, an accordion, some left over turkey. She will use all that, to bring hell down upon you if she has to.
But this isn't even the full deal, bro, as the super alchemist bro she is, she can take that shit and make it fucking epic. Wooden spoon? How about ALCHEMICAL FIRE SPOON. Try removing THAT from your sorry ass.
Then she's got the more conventional weaponry, you know, like some fucking feather tokens. Oh no, some orc is all up in her business, better drop a feather token and spawn a fucking 60 foot tall oak tree into his balls, send that bitch ass orc flying into the air like I don't give a fuck.
She's also all seafaring too, fucking Aquakitty. She's got a boat, stole it from some poor sailors, and it's armed with a few cannons that enchant the fucking cannonballs they shoot so they explode when they hit shit. It's basically a fucking rocket launcher, and no sorry ass thug is gonna take her boat from her, she'll cut a bitch.
Thinking about throwing her overboard? Think again, with her ring of SUBMARINE CAT, she's completely able to be able to stare the fucking water down and say 'fuck this shit' and surf using her fucking mind back to the boat. Tie her to a rock and throw her to drown? Bitch do you know nothing? She breathes water now.
Dat 11 HP though, that's a problem, she can't take a hit, but that motherfucking magic ring? Yeah, once per encounter, she can be like, dude, yeah, I know you were going to hurt me, but fuck that, all that damage is fucking ignored. Like a straight up G.
Now, she's got a motherfucking cannon inside of a bag of holding, and she's shooting fucking cannonballs out of her neck with it. Seriously, this is one fucking cool cat. Gets more pussy than someone who likely has several STDs from the amount of sex they've been having.
She's the mother fucking Full Meow Alchemist, pirate queen aboard the USS Catnip, and a full on submarine herself. Bitches be trembling, because she's setting sail for your house on her next quest for that crazy fruit, Mr. Smith.
Also she has some companions who come along with her, I think they're trying to kill her maybe, but whatever, we're cool.