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Thread: Looking for judgment.

  1. #1
    Death Knight Ometh's Avatar
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    Post Looking for judgment.

    Hello there! It's been a while since I've been an active member of the forums since my last game died out midway but oh well. :P
    I couldn't think of any place to post an excerpt of my novel and receive judgment at but then this little corner of the web sprang to mind.
    I would love to have the members of this board critique my work simply because I know that there is a lot of talented writers here.

    Don't hold back whatsoever. Even if your post is rude beyond the point of reason, I would still love to hear your feedback. Thanks in advance! (:

    Spoiler


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  2. #2
    Gray Hunter Alphakoka's Avatar
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    Two things first:
    -Shouldn't this be in the gallery?
    -I think you'll be better using the hider code than the spoiler since it made your story to be some kind of a text wall.

    Anyway: I think it's a rather nice read, although I'm lost at some parts, particularly during the end.

    http://alphakoka.minitroopers.com
    Credit to Harby the Australian Harbringer.



  3. #3
    Death Knight Ometh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alphakoka View Post
    Two things first:
    -Shouldn't this be in the gallery?
    -I think you'll be better using the hider code than the spoiler since it made your story to be some kind of a text wall.

    Anyway: I think it's a rather nice read, although I'm lost at some parts, particularly during the end.
    Possibly. >.>
    Been a while since I've been around, haha.

    And it's a text wall because novels typically are. :P
    No spacing of the paragraphs as is typical with roleplaying.

    Do you mind going more in depth?
    What parts specifically do you feel lost at?
    Besides the end.


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  4. #4
    Gray Hunter Alphakoka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ometh View Post
    And it's a text wall because novels typically are. :P
    No spacing of the paragraphs as is typical with roleplaying.
    Which is incredibly annoying to read since it all connects. Give it some spacing, please.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ometh View Post
    Do you mind going more in depth?
    What parts specifically do you feel lost at?
    Besides the end.
    Hmm, I'll have to reread it again though, I forgot which part I started to feel lost.

    http://alphakoka.minitroopers.com
    Credit to Harby the Australian Harbringer.



  5. #5
    Junior Member embrose's Avatar
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    hello~
    my name is embrose and you are ometh wave wave bow bow cool hand shake further salutations from my lands of sun and dust
    i have not read your piece completely but i will assuming you'd still like opinions, which are sometimes unwelcome after i've given the first bit:




    From amidst the trees, fifty figures advanced onto the edge of a cliff surreptitiously, each one falling into straight lines as they awaited their leader to begin his speech.
    regardless of whether ‘surreptitiously’ is a common word in your everyday vocabulary, in this context of diction and simple sentence structures it sticks out as a hot thumb. i’d advise a more fitting synonym.

    i’d also recommend omitting unnecessary words (while still maintaining the initial meaning) for a cleaner read. for example, ‘one' can be eliminated altogether and ‘onto’ can be minimized to ‘to’ –
    or, even cleaner: . . . advanced to the cliff’s edge

    “. . . as they awaited their leader to begin his speech” utilizes ‘awaited’ uncustomarily (with infinitive), which makes the clause prettty awkward. i suggest rephrasing, perhaps: . . . as they awaited their leader’s speech.

    just suggestions


    The field was blackened, darkened by their presence and the air was much thicker and colder then was typical for that time of year.
    i suggest a comma after ‘presence’ to better outline the end of your dependent clause.
    a lot of people dislike telling in comparison to showing, but i think it has its place and can be useful. tbh i think this is a nice passive sentence.

    either way, just letting you know


    Ometh stood at the head of forty nine of his brethren, dark swathed in billowing folds of black silk.
    oh wow i just don’t know what ‘dark swathed’ means at all. i don’t know if you meant it as a compound word (‘dark-swathed’) or meant ‘dark’ as an adverb (‘darkly swathed’) or…?
    i suggest omitting ‘dark’ regardless because ‘black’ later makes it redundant.

    also, you’re closely repeating ‘dark’ and ‘black’ as they were just in the last sentence. i wonder if you can use synonymous concepts when describing the field to avoid such a recurrence
    like ashen, deadened, shadowed, shaded, monstrous, etc.

    also also i see that later you duplicate the imagery of dark billowing folds – maybe reinvent the visual?


    His hungry red eyes shifted among his men and his metallic tones rang out in a clear note as he addressed the Black Hand.
    just like ‘tones’ is plural, i likewise think that ‘note’ should follow.
    i would kind of like for these visuals to be more connected, which can be acquired by rephrasing. just a suggestion: his hungry red eyes shifted among his men before addressing them, metallic tones ringing out etc.

    it’s ambiguous whether or not the Black Hand is the group of 49 men your character stands before because they’re previously addressed, in the same sentence, without that title. i suggest bringing that information in sooner or during dialogue.




    so far i think it's interesting and worth continuing

  6. #6
    Death Knight Ometh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by embrose View Post
    hello~
    my name is embrose and you are ometh wave wave bow bow cool hand shake further salutations from my lands of sun and dust
    i have not read your piece completely but i will assuming you'd still like opinions, which are sometimes unwelcome after i've given the first bit:
    This is just what I was looking for. Complete honesty. (:


    CF Squared created.

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