WOTM #20 Voting (Casual)

[Angel reilyx]

Oh hey.. I won, cool.

Thanks for the reviews, looking back I realize I don't particular like the start either, but to be honest I was incredibly lazy when writing the story. I didn't really re-draft and I don't believe I even edited it to check for mistakes, it just came to me in about twenty minutes on a Sunday morning.

So yes, I was being lazy, perhaps that's just what made it what it was. Thanks everyone who voted for me as well.

Is this a subtle reference to you being Sloth?
Congratulations though, your story was a pleasure to read!

~

Author of Time & Bittersweet right here!

I tried to keep away from the ever-popular "personify the sins" theme as best I could, and I think I managed to do a decent job at that. Since I wasn't all gun-ho about the theme this time around, I took this WOTM as an opportunity to stray off the beaten path and try using a practice-writing prompt to create something potentially contest-worthy. The concept was "You wake up in a blank room," which I combined with the 7 sins to create a brief insight into the life of a man that was sent to Purgatory or "Limbo" for the murder of his wife.

Any comments/reviews would be much appreciated, I'm always looking to improve my writing.

[MelonHead]

Is this a subtle reference to you being Sloth?
Congratulations though, your story was a pleasure to read!

~

Author of Time & Bittersweet right here!

I tried to keep away from the ever-popular "personify the sins" theme as best I could, and I think I managed to do a decent job at that. Since I wasn't all gun-ho about the theme this time around, I took this WOTM as an opportunity to stray off the beaten path and try using a practice-writing prompt to create something potentially contest-worthy. The concept was "You wake up in a blank room," which I combined with the 7 sins to create a brief insight into the life of a man that was sent to Purgatory or "Limbo" for the murder of his wife.

Any comments/reviews would be much appreciated, I'm always looking to improve my writing.

No more subtle than the sins in the story ^_^

Their names were a pretty dead give away. But yes, the main character was Sloth.

[Holmishire]

I wrote entry #1.

Of, course, I already posted a review for entry #2, but now I'll review them all. Because of the way I like to work, I seperate this into three categories. Firstly, the proper review; secondly, the Ilikethis reviews, in which I point out specific things I liked about each entry; and thirdly, me explaining—to an extent—my entry.

This entry was very unorthodox. The writing style was very chill, with lots of mistakes. Purposefully or not, I find this helped push through the feel of the entry, as well as the protagonist being Sloth. Many events and characters felt abrupt and out of place: for example, killing Ryan right off the bat while saying nothing of him as a person, and introducing Glenn only at the very end. Still, the entry somehow pulled it all together, and by the end, was a relaxing, oddly entertaining read.

I felt this lacked a bit of the depth of other entries. While interesting to attach the sins to various 'elements' of our world, it felt contrived, especially when the sins became a detached entity as well. At first it seemed fire was wrath, the people were pride, but then wrath continued to exist after the fire was defeated and lust was both rain and woman. This confused me, and damaged the flow.

Also, I felt you used the same words too much, repeating wrath and anger a lot.

A creative way of presenting sins, through the past instead of the present. The writing was fairly good, but the switching from italics to normal didn't feel right. Because it was told in first person, adding the thoughts of that person didn't make much sense. Especially when the normal text, which seemed to be first person, started communicating with the thoughts, like they were two. Perhaps this was meatn to show the presence of two personalities inside the protagonist, but I couldn't make sense of it.

Overall a good entry. Characters felt well developed, the flashbacks created nice pacing, and the idea of a sin falling in love was well executed. However, the ending felt a bit sudden, at the point where he decided he wanted the wings. I felt there could have been a more compelling conclusion, as this ending seemed to be too much a means to an end: that is, to pass on the envy. If you had made the envy enter him more smoothly, I feel this entry would have been far more satisfying.

The entry did not seem to accomplish much: I mean, there was no climax or important event. Each occurrence in the story was distinct, without much flow, I find. There did not seem to be enough build-up for the women to come over as they did, and the speech seemed very short, as well as obviously stating his sin. I'm surprised none of the men took offence at him.

Had some nice stuff in there, but the ending felt out of place. Not the idea of the ending, just that youexplain what should be a large part of the story in a single paragraph. Makes it seem as though the end is unimportant.

I like that you never specifically told us which kid was which sin; instead, you gave a series of hints—easy to spot—that allowed the reader to quickly understand what each of them meant. This was the same for many other aspects of the story: subtle uses of the word Hell and asides of past experience made it clear what was happening by the end of the entry. The lackadaisical way you wrote, while normally not a good idea, flowed very well into the style and feel of the story.

Also, that joke at the end fit perfectly with the style, and ending without stating the fate of the characters created a feel of realism, even though the reader knew what seemed to be happening to them.

The overall writing was clear, and the idea was interesting and original.

The latin at the end added a certain air of authenticity, even though, I didn't understand it. The writing was good, and the way the thoughts were written evoked real thoughts, by not being as clean and proper and by doubting themselves. Each time you place a word alone on a line, it created a nice break in the narrative, which was very effective for maintaining interest.

Overall one of my favourite entries, most of the things I liked are placed above. One thing I'll note here, however: the flashbacks were great, as I mentioned, but not just because they created pacing. The contrast between the pain and suffering of the present and the joy and love of the past created a contrast that embodied your protagonist, and made him feel whole—like the two sides of a coin.

Interesting concept, of people who have the 'job' of spreading sins. Also, lust was personified from a side not often seen; that is, male.

I liked this entry, for the characters felt relatable and developed. The writing was good, and the concept was interesting, with that little twist.

For the longest time, my entry was entirely composed of the first eighty words. From 'the boy shivered' to 'joined by the ashes from below,' I personally felt like I had created the perfect beginning. The issue, however, was that I had no idea what to do thereafter.

After a couple weeks, I decided I'd try to just write whatever came to mind. I developed two or three full drafts, and then selected the best. Still, I lacked an ending. So, I pretty much just threw in what was simplest. This made it rather abrupt, as you said, Angel, and for that, I am sorry. One of these times, I need to actually think of a compelling ending. (thinks back to previous entries)

As for the sin, I chose Sloth. I wanted it to be subtle, and I also wanted to choose a variation of it that many no longer consider. Originally, Sloth was more predominately based around not doing what one should do, instead of just not doing anything. As in, stopping evil or whatever. I guess I either made it too subtle, or should've chosen a more straightforward version of the sin.

I find it kinda funny that in the theme of the seven deadly sins, there are seven entries in casual. (Would that make advanced the four cardinal virtues?)

[Captain Ivan]

I wrote entry #1.

Of, course, I already posted a review for entry #2, but now I'll review them all. Because of the way I like to work, I seperate this into three categories. Firstly, the proper review; secondly, the Ilikethis reviews, in which I point out specific things I liked about each entry; and thirdly, me explaining—to an extent—my entry.

This entry was very unorthodox. The writing style was very chill, with lots of mistakes. Purposefully or not, I find this helped push through the feel of the entry, as well as the protagonist being Sloth. Many events and characters felt abrupt and out of place: for example, killing Ryan right off the bat while saying nothing of him as a person, and introducing Glenn only at the very end. Still, the entry somehow pulled it all together, and by the end, was a relaxing, oddly entertaining read.

I felt this lacked a bit of the depth of other entries. While interesting to attach the sins to various 'elements' of our world, it felt contrived, especially when the sins became a detached entity as well. At first it seemed fire was wrath, the people were pride, but then wrath continued to exist after the fire was defeated and lust was both rain and woman. This confused me, and damaged the flow.

Also, I felt you used the same words too much, repeating wrath and anger a lot.

A creative way of presenting sins, through the past instead of the present. The writing was fairly good, but the switching from italics to normal didn't feel right. Because it was told in first person, adding the thoughts of that person didn't make much sense. Especially when the normal text, which seemed to be first person, started communicating with the thoughts, like they were two. Perhaps this was meatn to show the presence of two personalities inside the protagonist, but I couldn't make sense of it.

Overall a good entry. Characters felt well developed, the flashbacks created nice pacing, and the idea of a sin falling in love was well executed. However, the ending felt a bit sudden, at the point where he decided he wanted the wings. I felt there could have been a more compelling conclusion, as this ending seemed to be too much a means to an end: that is, to pass on the envy. If you had made the envy enter him more smoothly, I feel this entry would have been far more satisfying.

The entry did not seem to accomplish much: I mean, there was no climax or important event. Each occurrence in the story was distinct, without much flow, I find. There did not seem to be enough build-up for the women to come over as they did, and the speech seemed very short, as well as obviously stating his sin. I'm surprised none of the men took offence at him.

Had some nice stuff in there, but the ending felt out of place. Not the idea of the ending, just that youexplain what should be a large part of the story in a single paragraph. Makes it seem as though the end is unimportant.

I like that you never specifically told us which kid was which sin; instead, you gave a series of hints—easy to spot—that allowed the reader to quickly understand what each of them meant. This was the same for many other aspects of the story: subtle uses of the word Hell and asides of past experience made it clear what was happening by the end of the entry. The lackadaisical way you wrote, while normally not a good idea, flowed very well into the style and feel of the story.

Also, that joke at the end fit perfectly with the style, and ending without stating the fate of the characters created a feel of realism, even though the reader knew what seemed to be happening to them.

The overall writing was clear, and the idea was interesting and original.

The latin at the end added a certain air of authenticity, even though, I didn't understand it. The writing was good, and the way the thoughts were written evoked real thoughts, by not being as clean and proper and by doubting themselves. Each time you place a word alone on a line, it created a nice break in the narrative, which was very effective for maintaining interest.

Overall one of my favourite entries, most of the things I liked are placed above. One thing I'll note here, however: the flashbacks were great, as I mentioned, but not just because they created pacing. The contrast between the pain and suffering of the present and the joy and love of the past created a contrast that embodied your protagonist, and made him feel whole—like the two sides of a coin.

Interesting concept, of people who have the 'job' of spreading sins. Also, lust was personified from a side not often seen; that is, male.

I liked this entry, for the characters felt relatable and developed. The writing was good, and the concept was interesting, with that little twist.

For the longest time, my entry was entirely composed of the first eighty words. From 'the boy shivered' to 'joined by the ashes from below,' I personally felt like I had created the perfect beginning. The issue, however, was that I had no idea what to do thereafter.

After a couple weeks, I decided I'd try to just write whatever came to mind. I developed two or three full drafts, and then selected the best. Still, I lacked an ending. So, I pretty much just threw in what was simplest. This made it rather abrupt, as you said, Angel, and for that, I am sorry. One of these times, I need to actually think of a compelling ending. (thinks back to previous entries)

As for the sin, I chose Sloth. I wanted it to be subtle, and I also wanted to choose a variation of it that many no longer consider. Originally, Sloth was more predominately based around not doing what one should do, instead of just not doing anything. As in, stopping evil or whatever. I guess I either made it too subtle, or should've chosen a more straightforward version of the sin.

I find it kinda funny that in the theme of the seven deadly sins, there are seven entries in casual. (Would that make advanced the four cardinal virtues?)

Thank you for the feedback, Holmishire. I'll try to avoid making mistakes like that from now on.

[julia]

Yes! Thank you Holmishire, I'll be entering the next contest and fix as many things as I can!

[Kagamine]

I find it kinda funny that in the theme of the seven deadly sins, there are seven entries in casual. (Would that make advanced the four cardinal virtues?)

Pfffft hah.

[Angel reilyx]

I wrote entry #1.

Of, course, I already posted a review for entry #2, but now I'll review them all. Because of the way I like to work, I seperate this into three categories. Firstly, the proper review; secondly, the Ilikethis reviews, in which I point out specific things I liked about each entry; and thirdly, me explaining—to an extent—my entry.

This entry was very unorthodox. The writing style was very chill, with lots of mistakes. Purposefully or not, I find this helped push through the feel of the entry, as well as the protagonist being Sloth. Many events and characters felt abrupt and out of place: for example, killing Ryan right off the bat while saying nothing of him as a person, and introducing Glenn only at the very end. Still, the entry somehow pulled it all together, and by the end, was a relaxing, oddly entertaining read.

I felt this lacked a bit of the depth of other entries. While interesting to attach the sins to various 'elements' of our world, it felt contrived, especially when the sins became a detached entity as well. At first it seemed fire was wrath, the people were pride, but then wrath continued to exist after the fire was defeated and lust was both rain and woman. This confused me, and damaged the flow.

Also, I felt you used the same words too much, repeating wrath and anger a lot.

A creative way of presenting sins, through the past instead of the present. The writing was fairly good, but the switching from italics to normal didn't feel right. Because it was told in first person, adding the thoughts of that person didn't make much sense. Especially when the normal text, which seemed to be first person, started communicating with the thoughts, like they were two. Perhaps this was meatn to show the presence of two personalities inside the protagonist, but I couldn't make sense of it.

Overall a good entry. Characters felt well developed, the flashbacks created nice pacing, and the idea of a sin falling in love was well executed. However, the ending felt a bit sudden, at the point where he decided he wanted the wings. I felt there could have been a more compelling conclusion, as this ending seemed to be too much a means to an end: that is, to pass on the envy. If you had made the envy enter him more smoothly, I feel this entry would have been far more satisfying.

The entry did not seem to accomplish much: I mean, there was no climax or important event. Each occurrence in the story was distinct, without much flow, I find. There did not seem to be enough build-up for the women to come over as they did, and the speech seemed very short, as well as obviously stating his sin. I'm surprised none of the men took offence at him.

Had some nice stuff in there, but the ending felt out of place. Not the idea of the ending, just that youexplain what should be a large part of the story in a single paragraph. Makes it seem as though the end is unimportant.

I like that you never specifically told us which kid was which sin; instead, you gave a series of hints—easy to spot—that allowed the reader to quickly understand what each of them meant. This was the same for many other aspects of the story: subtle uses of the word Hell and asides of past experience made it clear what was happening by the end of the entry. The lackadaisical way you wrote, while normally not a good idea, flowed very well into the style and feel of the story.

Also, that joke at the end fit perfectly with the style, and ending without stating the fate of the characters created a feel of realism, even though the reader knew what seemed to be happening to them.

The overall writing was clear, and the idea was interesting and original.

The latin at the end added a certain air of authenticity, even though, I didn't understand it. The writing was good, and the way the thoughts were written evoked real thoughts, by not being as clean and proper and by doubting themselves. Each time you place a word alone on a line, it created a nice break in the narrative, which was very effective for maintaining interest.

Overall one of my favourite entries, most of the things I liked are placed above. One thing I'll note here, however: the flashbacks were great, as I mentioned, but not just because they created pacing. The contrast between the pain and suffering of the present and the joy and love of the past created a contrast that embodied your protagonist, and made him feel whole—like the two sides of a coin.

Interesting concept, of people who have the 'job' of spreading sins. Also, lust was personified from a side not often seen; that is, male.

I liked this entry, for the characters felt relatable and developed. The writing was good, and the concept was interesting, with that little twist.

For the longest time, my entry was entirely composed of the first eighty words. From 'the boy shivered' to 'joined by the ashes from below,' I personally felt like I had created the perfect beginning. The issue, however, was that I had no idea what to do thereafter.

After a couple weeks, I decided I'd try to just write whatever came to mind. I developed two or three full drafts, and then selected the best. Still, I lacked an ending. So, I pretty much just threw in what was simplest. This made it rather abrupt, as you said, Angel, and for that, I am sorry. One of these times, I need to actually think of a compelling ending. (thinks back to previous entries)

As for the sin, I chose Sloth. I wanted it to be subtle, and I also wanted to choose a variation of it that many no longer consider. Originally, Sloth was more predominately based around not doing what one should do, instead of just not doing anything. As in, stopping evil or whatever. I guess I either made it too subtle, or should've chosen a more straightforward version of the sin.

I find it kinda funny that in the theme of the seven deadly sins, there are seven entries in casual. (Would that make advanced the four cardinal virtues?)

Thanks for the review! The points you brought up helped me talk myself through some things I can do to make differing entities stand out more while maintaining this flavor of writing

[Syllanna]

Well, this was fun! I wasn't sure I wanted to compete at the time, but then the entry just sort of popped into my head. I wrote #5 and it was a blast to write! I did debate over the ending that Angel Reilyx so kindly pointed out, though not for the reasons listed. I honestly am just a fan of gore and thought the romance type story was a little too soft. So I spiced it up! Maybe I'll have to keep myself in check if I write another.

Thanks for the fun story and thanks to everyone who had the patience to read that far down! Happy December.

[LeighaMoscove]

As promised, winner has been announced. I shall reread the entries and critique each one, excluding mine. I hope you guys do the same!

By the way, thanks to that one person, whomever it may be, who voted for me! I really am disappointed at how mind turned out. I could have done so much better.