I just realized that WOTM #22 received 22 entries.
This amuses me.
I just realized that WOTM #22 received 22 entries.
This amuses me.
I had a hard time figuring out which one to vote for, but i ended up going with Entry 3. I felt moved by the descriptive actions and thoughts. I like that it was portrayed as a stuffed teddy bear, and giving that it was abused and loved gave me hope for it. I felt that the bear was soft and passionate in the beginning, but after so much i felt he became evil and decided to get his revenge on joey for all that he put him through. Great story, I loved reading it.
In college, I am taking "Introduction to Literature" and I feel that I need to give pointers to Innocence and Id-Eah.
The movement of the poem isn't what one would consider a poem.
The measure is completely off using some stressed syllables together, such as
the beat of the line goes like this"Her innocence, taking it without consent"
you're using iambic pentameter with a substitution from an iam to a single unstressed syllable.
After the voting is over, you could reveal yourself to me and I would be glad to teach you measurements for poetry.
Your poem isn't bad, i liked what you did with it. But the final line in the first stanza was too long for it's intended measure.
I'm not gonna lie, it was tough to get the beat of this poem where it isn't so much as iambic pentameter or tetrameter.
In the lines,
the beats aren't together. Using a longer line then following it with smaller/shorter lines gives way to the beat."Whether I come across a memory of bygone days
Doesn’t really matter
Life is just a phase"
The rhyme scheme is spot on. I love how you didn't use so many words that were too closely related when using them to rhyme.
just like i said with the writer of innocence, if you want me to teach you poetic beats i wouldn't mind a bit. It would bring your poem to life.
Last edited by Cupcake; 02-07-2013 at 03:19 PM.
Azure Flame is ooooooold<3
Love ya! :D
Okay guys, it's that time of year again. Back to school. I'm in the nursing program at my school. I just started my 2nd week, and it's already kicking my ass. I'll honestly try my best to be on everyday, but I can't make any promises. Nursing school isn't even the beginning of it either. I'm also taking a computer class and an art, so my days are going to be really busy. To those who I said we could start RP's, I am not sure if I'll be able to do them.
Monday's- 10am-12pm. Won't be home until 3pm
Tuesday's- 7am-4:15pm. I should be home by 5pm
Wenesdays- I have this day off, but more than likely I'll use this day to catch up on homework.
Thursdays- 8:30am-4:15pm. I should be home by 5pm
Friday's- 8:00am-12:00pm. Won't be home until 3pm. Usually I spend Friday nights at my Fiance's house.
Saturdays- I should be on fair amount of time this day.
Sunday's- I have church at 11:00am-12:00pm. I should be on this day too unless I have homework.
Depravity, Unforgettable, and Go Away are my top 3 choices, with entry #'s 3 & 4 deserving praise as well. I will have to re-read these stories again before making my decision though.
Overall notes – I value flow and ease of read above other criteria, Syntax is paramount! Select your words to fit well, don’t force the words to fit your ideas. Some of the works submitted feel like rough drafts, which I attribute to the short (but fair) work time. It is absolutely necessary to edit, revise, and review as often as possible. Break your story into parts, set a goal for what you want each section to be and get that section right then move on to the next section. Use a thesaurus if you find yourself using the same word more than once in the same paragraph.
Build your toolbox constantly! Keep learning better words, expand that vocabulary. Avoid unnecessary words. (Avoid using ‘suddenly’ at all costs) ‘He said’, ‘she said’ are perfectly fine (and most times preferable) to use often. Read a book about writing. Some of the above suggestions I learned from Stephen King’s book On Writing
Syntax needs improvement and grammar needs work – this entry did not read smoothly for me. If the story doesn’t read well, no matter how good the idea is, the message will be lost. I would suggest writing the rough draft and then sleep on it. Come back to the story the following day, re-read it, and fix anything that doesn’t flow well. Repeat every day until the deadline. You will find that if you take a break and rest your eyes then come back to your story with fresh eyes to see, you will notice the mistakes more easily (I always try to do this for my own works)
I would like to see what actually happened to the subject in the first place. I couldn’t find a connection to the character and subsequently couldn’t connect to the story. With some polish, this story could really shine.
I liked it.
This story flowed smoothly and was an easy read. I would like to know why the character was lost in the first place. We know that she ran away, but why? Typical teenage angst, an argument, why? I would like to have read more of the internal conflict of why the character ran away in the first place.
There are some holes in the story that distracted me. Three days lost, what did she eat? A typical person (average fitness) would begin to show signs/symptoms of starvation well before 3 days of not eating. Descriptions of a battle against hunger and dehydration and environment would have added a nice conflict (just a suggestion) I’ve tried fasting a few times and I can tell you that after not eating for one day, the only thing I could think about was food.
This story was well written. I liked the ending, just when there is an epiphany and a glimmer of hope, a cruel and bitter fate falls upon the character. The story is solid.
One of the best of the bunch! Definitely top three.
This one is well written, technically/grammatically superior to most of the other entries. Good job
Very interesting, I’m not well versed in poetry so I will stay away from offering any commentary.
I liked the flow (or is it called cadence?) of this one. In my mind, it made sense at least. If this was a poem competition, this one would have my vote.
Interesting story, this one is well written. It did seem a little rushed or cramped throughout.
A lovely short story, I enjoyed reading it, but it wasn’t very exciting. My biggest gripe about this one was the use of the word floor in place of ground. Use lots of adjectives and a thesaurus! Hot pavement, cold concrete, patchy earth, bright green grass, weed infested lawn… any of these will work far better than plain floor. Also, floor indicated that they are indoors when they weren’t – I don’t think.
Another touch on the loss of innocence, powerful subject matter can be a challenge. Try to use more imagery to make the reader feel precisely what you want them to.
A solid entry, there are a few grammatical mistakes that broke the smoothness of the read. Life after death is a great theme.
This is well written, vague in places. A top three candidate this month, but some of the word choices didn’t fit well, I would have chosen different words for some passages – but that’s just me being nit-picky.
A solid entry as well, I did get lost near the ending and had to re-read it a few times. The flipping of the hourglass confused me a little and I had to figure out how much time had passed after the character died, long enough for the rotten stench to be gone for sure. A rotting body is noxious, doubly so for a human body.
Last edited by Kaizen; 02-08-2013 at 12:45 PM. Reason: added reviews
I suck at critique writing, so I'm not going to do that. But as I read each story, Depravity and Unforgettable were my top two. I ultimately chose Unforgettable because I am a romantic and I really felt connected to the story. It was something I could relate to.
I’ve been lost before. This time it was different. The gremlin stole me away in the middle of the night. Its cold slimy hands wrapped around me, the claws punched through my worn hide and abducted me from my warm and cozy spot under the bed. It was the perfect spot. I could whisper sweet dreams to little Joey as he slept. The gremlin didn’t like it when I whispered the good dreams. That’s why it took me.
I was stuffed through the mouse hole in the corner and dragged down between the walls. Nails reached out from the boards to rip at my fur and claim what they could keep of my stuffing as their prize. Not that it bothered me… much. I’ve been treated worse.
Joey did all sorts of terrifying things to me, but I loved him anyway. And I know he loved me too. We played war games mostly, I was Soldier Bear. I’ve been blown up, ran over, shot, mortally wounded, stabbed… on and on within the limitations of a small boys’ imagination. During the process of play warfare I have been ripped and torn… I was even decapitated once! I couldn’t count how many times I’ve been hurled from his second story window with a make-shift parachute made from old sheets which failed more often than not. Once, a limb caught the parachute and wouldn’t let go. I spent an entire summer stuck up in the live oak out in the back yard. Joey took shots at me with his BB gun, but the limb still held on. I still have some of the metal shot inside of me from when his aim was true.
The wind didn’t blow me down until well into winter when the limb had shed it leaves. The squirrels pointed and laughed at me, while I dangled there helpless. How humiliating. When I had finally become free, I spent three weeks captive by their Labrador, Duke, as his chew-toy. I was finally found, slobber soaked and filthy, and haphazardly tossed into the torture device named the washing machine. I pity their garments, drowned, tossed back and forth… and that dreaded spin cycle, oh the horrors! Once was enough for me.
My first owner, Joey’s elder sister Mary, was kind and gentle unlike that rambunctious child Joey. When I was with Mary, I had lots of friends and a warm place to sleep, I was Cuddly Bear then. There were tea parties and wonderful afternoons filled with make-believe time. There were unicorns and heroes (which I got to be sometimes!). Dragons and damsels, oh how I miss those days. If I had tear ducts, I would shed a tear in remembrance of those majestic magic filled days.
But here I am now, between the walls. Down those cruel claws dragged me. Down ever deeper into the darkness I go into the unknown where only the creepy crawlies reside. Tugging and pulling, unseen snags ripping at what little fur I have left, leaving a tuft here and there like the tattletale trail of breadcrumbs that Hansel and Gretel left. Only there is no one to find my trail of breadcrumbs. Will no hero come to save me? To what fate have I been left to? Is there no one come to my rescue? No, I don’t believe anyone will.
Where am I now? It‘s dark, and cold, I’m scared. Click… The sound came from above me. The gremlin dangled from a pull string that turned on the light. Swinging from the suspended light, the evil gremlin laughed as shadows cast by the dim solitary light bulb swirled around me. The creature’s laugh – much like a maniacal villain would in a bad movie, had nothing but evil intentions. It dropped down to stand before me, its slimy snot covered skin glistening in the swirling light. Drool oozed out of its mouth and dripped down from between his jagged teeth to puddle on the floor at my feet. With malicious glee the gremlin stabbed its razor sharp claws into my belly and ripped me open. My fluffy white insides exposed, the monster began to pull out my stuffing by the handfuls. He threw my fluff up into the air still laughing that low rumbling heinous laugh as it fell like snow.
I’m hollow now and alone. The cold concrete floor is littered with the remnants of my soft cuddly guts all around me. This is the end. It has to be, what worse could happen to me? I can feel the dark stillness of death starting to wrap its fingers around me and take its hold.
BAM… The gremlin returns. He slammed a metal bucket down next to my head. The creature examines the contents of the bucket lovingly. What’s in there? It examines me with black vile eyes. Defenseless, open, empty and supine I’m helpless before it. The gremlin plunges headfirst with both of its arms down into the bucket as deep as they will go. From the bucket, it pulls out armfuls of filthy detritus. All manner of foulness collected within the gremlins embrace. It drops the putrid mixture into me. Writing insects with venomous pincers, vermin droppings, rusty nails laced with tetanus, poisonous spiders, disease infested excrement, corroded jagged razorblades and heaven knows what else are stuffed inside the cavity of my body. The gremlin continues to cram me full of the putrid mixture until I’m ready to burst. It stops its incessant giggles for a moment to clear it throat of phlegm and then spews it inside of me, just for good measure. With a dull needle and spider webbing it sews me shut.
I can feel the evil inside of me growing. The creepy crawlies that replaced my insides writhed with cruel intent. The metal bits felt eager to draw blood. I wonder what blood tastes like. What am I thinking? What’s happening to me? Oh please, no… not this.
The gremlin has finished sewing me shut now. It dances around me, kicking at what remained of my fluffy insides scattered about the floor. Did I really have that soft crap inside of me? How pathetic. Roaches and worms, that was the good stuff, they brought life to me. Rotten and vile, but it was life.
Stand up. I tell my legs and they obey. Before I had to be manipulated by that spoiled brat Joey, I hate that kid. I can move on my own now. I will my arms to move. Where are you claws? I flex my paw, rusty nails and jagged bits of metal protrude. My claws, I have claws! Now I feel like a real bear, Nightmare Bear! My creator motions for me to follow him into the vent shaft. I follow. I like the darkness. Climbing, turning, and climbing more vent shafts he leads me to my old home. From behind a vent cover I look down between the grates to see a peaceful sleeping boy lying in bed, Joey. My master nods and smiles at me, showing those jagged fangs between its thin slimy lips. I know what to do, time to go to work.
He lifts the vent grates and I jump down onto Joey’s bed. A couple of stitches pop when I land on the bed and some of the creepy crawlies escape and wriggle away between Joey’s sheets. Slowly, softly I creep up to face him. I don’t want to wake him… not yet. I draw close to his ear and begin to whisper my first nightmare to him.
While Casual had plenty of good entries this time around, and plenty of entries in general, Entry #3 managed to win the majority vote with it's beautifully descriptive tale of an innocent, loving teddy bear turned evil. According to the reviews, this one did a great job telling the story. You can really visualize the Nightmare Bear, and the switch from innocent to evil was wonderfully done. So congrats, Kaizen, on your first WOTM win, and a well-deserved one!
Kaizen: Please PM Contra Fates about your custom user title.
I now encourage all writers who participated this month to use the next couple days to reveal themselves and respond to comments/critique given before the next Guidelines thread is up.
Thank you very much, and thank you everyone who entered, voted, and took part in the contest.
Kaizen, that story was awesome.
I am looking forward to the next contest.
Not For Sale
The White Army and the Black Baron;
Are trying to force us back to the Tsar.
"These people are the poisonous leeches on an age of potential so infinite it should be glorious. But
it stands no chance, it's marred by uselessness made flesh and minds that are little more than nubile lambs, bleeting obnoxiously."
-Sophistotle"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
Originally Posted by Hank in Skype