Quote Originally Posted by Drakel View Post
-space saver-
Fragments: Yep, I'm well aware that some fragments are fine, and I can see that first one being an intentional one for style. There were some others that seemed find for style, so it was mainly those gerund phrases that stuck out as fragments that didn't work. You had a lot of those, so I made the generalization about fragments not working out for you. As long as you avoid those erroneous sentence fragments and stick to the purely intentional ones in the future, you should be fine.

Tense: I actually didn't catch that some of those tense swaps were intentional between paragraphs, so knowing that makes it a bit less of a problem. Hmmm... Okay, after another quick look through your entry I see what was going on. All the questions and reflections on the past were in past tense, the rest was mostly in present tense. That became muddled in a few paragraphs, such as the second paragraph where you started off with present tense and slipped into past tense with the questions, which is a totally fine, another of those style choices. The castle scene was also a bit iffy on tenses, since the previously present tense events seem to all shift to past tense somewhere in there. There are still some issues with tense confusion here and there, but much less than I initially thought.

Commas: Same thing as the fragments. You're correct that it's fine to use some for emphasis and the like, just be careful with them and you're golden.

Typos: Indeed, spellcheckers aren't perfect. I suggest always giving your work a details once over by hand rather than trusting to the machine, just in case.

Capitalization: That makes sense. It's a rather subjective thing, so by all means go with it if it works for your story and your message. You mentioned that the places have some importance that wasn't fully explained, so I suppose those being capitalized could be totally logical like capitalizing Tyrant and such was.

Concept: Oh, that sounds neat. I'd definitely like to see what you do with this outside of the deadline and limitations of the contest.

You're welcome, and I'm glad you appreciate the criticism. Some people can't take it for the helpful advice it is, so it's always nice to see someone who takes it and strives to apply it.