I decided to write something grim, and I did. Note that I don’t actually think like this, so don’t take it seriously. I’m planning to write a book one day, so I would prefer some criticism regarding my current skill. I believe I wrote this up in about... twenty minutes? Kind of left it alone for a few days after that.
~
Life is worthless. No matter what actions you take, the outcome is always the same in the end. You die. It’s that simple. Everything you have ever partaken in suddenly becomes obsolete after that. It doesn’t matter how many relationships you’ve forged or lives you’ve changed once death has come for you. Maybe you’re different though. It’s a possibility that you change the world with a new idea, or win a war to save millions of lives. People will surely remember a hero like that then. Even after death the history books will save you, so a well-earned rest is in order in knowing that the children will be learning about the things you did, right? Unfortunately for the children, they’ll die as well. Things will be forgotten, and books will burn. The only thing separating you from the common man was that his death was swift. You’ll slowly corrode in a hole in the ground, and as the years go by, more and more layers of corpses will join you, and you’ll be lost in the masses, one and the same. Life is worthless…
Some of the sentences are clunky and interrupt the flow here and there. You have a couple passive sentences. You use the same words a bit, you should switch that up. Could switch up your sentence structure a bit, use more descriptors. Few run-on sentences... Overall, you have a decent base to work on. Just some polishing and such to do.
[CENTER]I will show you fear in a handful of dust
The Legend of Renalta
"The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity."
- W. B. Yeats
I have to agree with Tempest on how well written it was.
Personally, I find it far too pessimistic.
Pulled into war to serve a vision;
That's supposed to last a thousand years.
Part of a machine;
Unstoppable, as merciless as tidal waves.
It doesn't matter how well you write. You'll be dead one day.
Also, if those are your actual views on life, lol.
If you notice in the opening, I said that this was clearly just a little project I decided to work on…Originally Posted by Foxes
I’m not that fucked in the head. Or maybe on the inside I am…
I think I was kind of going for that.
Yep. I can defiantly see most of what you’re saying. I have a feeling I could really fix it up if I put enough thought into it.
“There are three deaths. The first is when the body ceases to function. The second is when the body is consigned to the grave. The third is that moment, sometime in the future, when your name is spoken for the last time.”
- David Eagleman
I don't know what to put here right now.
Hits the angsty teenager vibe instead of the grim vibe to me.
God Aza, stop changing your sig every fucking minute.
BUT BUT I have to warn people about Squee in broken English D:
Never, you say?
[2]
Unless the character is supposed to be an angsty teenager, this is awful characterization.
Needs more subtlety, and if you can pull it off, more insight. See Pally's quote. That quote approaches death in a way that most people don't think about, when people stop talking about you. That's insight. If you want to be powerful and moving, you need to approach the topic in a way that isn't often thought of, or phrase it in a way not many people have ever thought of.
Otherwise, be subtle. Don't try and set the tone with a monologue at the beginning. Set the tone with events. Show us the grim world that you see, don't tell us. If I'm blind, and I want you to tell me what an object looks like, I don't want you to tell me it's big. I want you to tell me that mountains quiver in fear at its size, and that the birds and clouds write poems and songs about what a privilege it must be to live that high. That may not be the best example, but the point is to actually make the world what you want it to be, because you can do that. You don't have to tell us what it's like. You're the author. Make it that way instead of telling us it is that way.
I dunno what people are talking about with there supposedly being a lot of problems with the writing. Disregarding content entirely (though I don't think that is as bad as people are making it out to be either), the writing is pretty solid. I'll just go through and highlight the few problems I saw.
The highlighted commas are extraneous: the last one because it's just completely useless and unneeded, the other two because they're not grammatically necessary (though having them isn't against the rules either) and serve only to halt the flow. The highlighted 'then' doesn't belong there, there's no reference to time or sequence of events to make it necessary thus it only dilutes the otherwise firm statement of the sentence. That other highlighted bit, 'in knowing that,' is awkward and makes the sentence feel awkward (cwutididthar). Actually, that whole sentence could do with a rework to make it better, but you could get away with just changing the highlighted bit to 'since' or something. This one sentence is the only one that is actually problematic, the rest are sound aside from those few things I already pointed out.
Content-wise I can see what you're going for. Card mentioned being more subtle (though his example of subtle language was actually pretty fucking grandiose), but that's not really necessary. You seem to be going for a very apathetic and pessimistic tone here, and this blatant "it's all pointless bullshit, every last bit of it" suits that well. Someone saying what equates to "fuck everything' isn't going to bother with poetic language like "life is but a breath on the wind, a mote of dust wafting through an empty attic, a grain of sand upon the beach." No, fuck that, an apathetic pessimist is going to be blunt and in your face with his philosophical maundering. Leave subtlety to the poets, just make sure the character or narrator or what have you that this sort of tone is attached to actually suits it and you'll be fine.
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