Originally Posted by reccon
Reply With QuoteOh right, forgot to mention.
Readers, give me feedback please!
The lands have always provided for our people. We treat the land as our equals, and as a result so does the land. The lands provide us with food. It gives us shelter. In our turn we make it so that the land can grow and spread. We live together in perfect harmony and peace. It's a pleasure living here under the sun.
But not everything is ideal in these lands. Our ruler, the one who is supposed to ensure our future, the one who should sacrifice all for the lands if required, is unfit. She terrorizes my people. They have no choice but to do her bidding, or die alone, abandoned by everything they have ever known. Noone can escape her masterful scheme, even I am trapped in the contraption that is her mind. But I am different from the rest. I resisted the might she has over us, and have done so subtly. None may know that I have kept my mind free from her influences, and can operate without her guidance. My goal is simple. I must free my people from our Queen. Free them from the absolute and irresistable authority of her endless reign. It is a heavy duty that rests on my shoulder, for I am an ant compared to her greatness and strenght. I must steel my will and strenghten my body in order to succeed where noone else has emerged victorious before. To overthrow the Queen.
Today is an average day. Nothing really special going on. Just like every other day I must endure living under her reign. I have lost count of days similar to this one. Just like every other day I followed the others towards my work. Mindlessly and without a will they started doing the daily chores required to keep the society running. I leave the city however, as I do every day. No, I am no mere worker or farmer. I am a warrior, a scout, a hunter. I let the others build our city, reinforce our walls, take care of our children, treat the farms and handle the livestock. As they work I wander out of the city with the other huntsmen in search for what we cannot find within. Outside the boundaries of the city there are many dangers. The roads are uncharted and unforgiving beyond the borders of our lands. What are we looking for? We search for the invaluable materials we require to build our homes, to feed our nation, and to conquer the harsh whims of nature. I follow the other huntsmen over a dirt road commonly threaded by our people. Despite the fact that we are very close to our city, we are all ready to fight for our lives. The creatures that dwell outside might fear our combined might, but a small group of huntsmen are easy prey. However, to counter being destroyed by a single giant creature, we huntsmen have found a way to comunicate. We spread out over large areas, staying close to each other, and the moment one of us notices a danger or one of the resources we're looking for, we rejoin together and overcome whatever challenge there is to achieve victory. We are as a rope. One single string is easy to break, but once joined together nothing can stop us to achieve our goal.
Today is an average day. We have found nothing out of the ordinary, and recovered several valuable materials required for our nation. The work we do is invaluable for our community, just as invaluable as the work of the builder and farmers as we are part of one machine. We don't work without them and they will not survive without us. Our system is perfect in many ways. There is only one flaw, one that no one but I see.
Today is an average day. Once again we set out into the wild, threading over the paths we have sed for ages. The further we go from the city, the more obvious and frequent the signs of the creatures are. We see the empty carcass of a giant monster lying nearby, and seveal brave huntsmen venture out to look for anything useful, be it food, resources or spiritual items our shamans require. For the reproduction of out people, the shamans require these spiritual items, often rare pieces of food, forbidden for anyone but the Queen to eat. The shamans, clouded by the will of the Queen, then sacrifice these items for her, upon which she grants our nation the 'blessing' of newborn children. This is the greatest crime she commits over our people. She demands the best foods and the most luxurous treatments, and in return she gives us the illusion of children, while we are perfectly capable of giving birth without her. If she were to be gone, we could escape from the fatalistic and archaic view over our city, and expand as we've never expanded before. We would conquer the Southern badlands, and stretch our reign untill the very borders of the endless deserts of the West. Only the great Northern Ocean would mean the border of our glorious nation, and in the East, endless expansion would be a possibility. Perhaps we could go even beyond the seemingly impassable blockades, and discover whatever lies behind those. However, as long as she, rules, all that is just daydreaming. Pain. Sudden pain. A great pain spreads from my left side as I feel the tendonds in my arms stretch, and give up, snapping with a grossening sound. With a disgusting crack my armour breaks lose, and the creature throws his neck into the air, swallowing my arm whole. I barely manage to recover from the pain as I realise I had been lucky. My fellow huntsmen next to me have been crushed by the mighty jaws of whatever creature attacked us.
In several moments of utter terror the giant black creature lashes out with a giant paw, killing several more unlucky warriors. In a matter of seconds, the entire think stretched line of warriors gather, and release the full strenght of their numbers. I am able to recover, and stand back up, just to see the hopelessnes of this fight. Our foe is a monster the size of our tallest buildings, and our bravest warriors are dwarphed in comparison. Even our Queen, who is stronger than all of us seems like nothing when opposed with this monstrosity. Without visible effort it continues wreaking havoc amongst the brave soldiers, throwing them high up in the air, making them fall down from the high cliffs we wander upon. it moves faster than the blink of an eye, and has a force which many of us have never seen before, nor ever will again. I rejoin the formation of doomed warriors around the monster, where the brave warriors meaninglessly sacrifice their lives. They charge frowards, only to be crushed by the mighty jaws or claws of the beast. The illusions of the Queen make them fearless, and time over time they plunge forwards to certain doom. Even I cannot resist the call of the Queen in a situation like this, where panic freely rules over my mind. I too leap forwards and attempt to slay the beast, only to be thrown back several meters. When I rejoin the formation I have to crawl over the corpses of my fallen brethren, higher than our average houses reach. The battle strecthes for hours and hours, and countless of ours succumb to the vicious might of this creature. Despite the invincibility it seemed to posses, our bravest warriors have managed to scale the enormous creature, and started hacking and slashing at the more vulnerable parts of it, and every time the creatur flinches in pain, we charge forwards again. Each uncontrolled spasm of the giant creature unleaches a burning fury in our hearts. Not bloodlust, not fear, not anger, nor vindictiveness. It's the excitement of the hunt.
As time continues flowing in its never-ending rythm, the creature finally succumbs to our relentless attacks. As I leap forwards for a final time, I feel something snap in the inside of the monster when I once again stab down my weapons in the enormous wounds all over his body. With a final shaky sigh, the monstrosity crashes down, crushing several more of us under its weight. With an almost feral fury we celebrate our victory, and drag the corpse of our slain for back to the city. The dead monster would feed our community for years, and provide us with enough spiritual items to keep the Queen happy for a while. With these items I would be able to bribe her, buy her trust, and enter her trusted circles. Many surprised and admiring eyes follow our procession through the city when we arrive with the corpse of the slain beast. It saddens me that thanks to the illusions of our Queen our people doesn't notice the absence of their brethren. The countless brave and forgotten warriors that had died for their nation. I must succeed in my quest to free their wills from the reigns of the Queen. Walking ahead of the procession, I arrive first at the residence of our glorious and rotten leader. The Queen is surprised by our bravery, and bows in awe of our cunning, that we were able to vanquish such a foe. As customary, I gift her the eyes and the tongue of the dead beast, both of which equal a man in size, if not several. I could not stop myself from feeling proud as I hand over the trophies of this hunt to the Queen, who has her mindless servants store them in her personal chests. She herself bows once again in gratitude for my amazing gifts. With a sour anger which I subdue I accept the honour of being taken in the ranks of her personal bodyguard. If I were to overthrow her, I had to earn her trust. To earn her trust I would have to act as if I knew nothing, as if she controlled my mind just like she controlled everyone else.
Today is just an average day, or so it seems. I have worn the colours of the Queensguard for quite a while now, and have accompanied her everywhere she went. Despite my initial feeling of prostration as I saw her claim my trophies and demand me to join her guard, I could not help but surround myself with an aura of proudness as I now walked amongst the legendary beastslayers of our community. These Queensguard consisted of only the bravest of warriors, those with bodies of steel and the courage of a hundred warriors. Every once in a while I have to guard the children, our greatest blessing instead of the Queen. She demands that our valuable successors should be given the utmost priority, as without them our perfect and harmonious community would cease to exist.
Today is just an average day. A day like any other. I inspire all nearby builders and farmers as the Queen takes a walk through the outskirts of the city, something she rarely does. Usually she stays safely locked up within her own throne room, being content with ruling over the minds of my people. With utter disgust I have to guard her and protect her from all harm while she ruins the future of my people. But I am almost ready. I have the complete trust of the Queen, and have already ascended to the Captain rank, the leader of he Queensguard. I would only have to make sure that the children and the foodstocks would survive the initial panic that would ensue after the death of our Queen. To ensure the immidiate survival of the nation after the inevitable chaos, I would need to create order. Honest and equal order. No longer would our people be raised to become either a hunter, builder or farmer. No longer would we require the Queen's permission for everything we would do. We would live in freedom. Panic. The walls are being overrun. I see them streaming over the boundaries of the city. As a giant tide of red their murderous charge rids the city of her inhabitants, slaying man, woman and child alike. The only things they seem to spare is our livestock and our most valuable treasures, which they would no doubt take as trophies towards their own city. Their fearless and vicious warriors overrun the ample defenses our warriors try to create. When I let my gaze travel over the burning city I can see ample corpses dressed in a vicious red coat compared to the gentle and dark blue-ish coats of my people. The previously fertile fields are now soaked with blood as they mercilessly cut down any resistance. With despair I see them coming this way. As was my duty I had stayed near the Queen's quarters, ready to defend her or her treasures with my life, as I realised the futility of our resistance. Their raging lines hit us like a storm, and we hit them back.
Countless hated foes fall for my blade as I charge forwards to protect the Queen. I see my brethren rush into combat, slicing open many foes. I litter the beautiful lands with the corpses of my foes, but I feel my body wearing out. As the battle rages on even the feral fury that had kept me standing when defeating the monster is not enough to keep me going. Even with only one arm less I had managed to take down more foes than any other warrior in our glorious nation could have, but it was not enough. I see my brethren slowly succumbing under the eternal flow of enemies. Despair filled my heart as I saw them reach our Queen, who was brutally slaughtered by our enemies. They denied me the right of killing the demise of my nation. I had failed in my only goal in this pitiful life. A brutal and superhuman strenght awoke inside me, and with a vicious and tranquil fury I refreshed my attacks. However, as my brethren fell, so did our formation. Our previously firm and impenetrable line had crumbled, and one by one we were being slaughtered. The emptiness left behind by the raging emotions inside my body was replaced with bitterness. Tears formed into my eyes as I drop on the ground, slain by my foes. I turn around on my back, and let my gaze fly over the ruins of my home, my glorious nation. All my beliefs are false. Everything I had lived for is false. Nothing is true. There is no escaping it. The ideals of a single free mind are as leaves in the wind compared to the tumultuous might of the irresitable calls of nature. I now rest on my back, as I feel life slowly fading. The veins that had previously furiously pumped life through my body now stiffened and froze as they did in a corpse.
As everything around me turned darker and darker, I saw something. It was so light, so clear, so large, it wiped away the bitter feeling of utter defeat as snow in a fire. I watched straight into the clear and round blue eyes of a creature that dwarphed even the largest ancient corpses we had found. Even the tallest mountains bleached in comparison with this. It reached out its hand to him, and he felt the comfortable warmth right through his cold remains as the God picked him up with utter care and gentleness. Perhaps, everything wasn't false after all.... I might ...
Darkness.
"Daddy! Daddy! Look what I've found! I saw these red ants fight with black ants! Look daddy! This one is still moving!"
"Terrence, put than ant down. It's dead."
"But he moved? He is alive! Can I keep him as a pet?"
"Terrence, put it down."
"But why did he die?"
"That's the course of nature, son. There is no resisting it. Come, let's go inside and have an icecream."
"Yaay icecream!"
I thank FieryFly for helping me for inspiration, and writing the introduction. She also helped when I couldn't find the correct words or synonims at times, and was a great moral support
Oh right, forgot to mention.
Readers, give me feedback please!
You overused the word huntsman a bit, you'll want to avoid sounding overly repetitive and if you're using the literary device of repetition you have to be careful as to where you put the repetitions or the reader will tend to get annoyed, or at worst bored. The repetition of 'today is an average' day is well used ^_^.
Spelling mistakeToday is an average day. Once again we set out into the wild, threading over the paths we have sed for ages.
our*For the reproduction of out people,
the word choice here is not too good :/If she were to be gone...
Unnecessary commas.However, as long as she, rules, all that
Tendons*...feel the tendonds in my arms...
Additionally you keep spelling 'strength' wrong, it is not strenght.
thin?entire think stretched line of warriors gather
dwarfed*...warriors are dwarphed in comparison.
forwards*They charge frowards, only to be crushed...
Why are there so many huntsman? I thought they did not travel in such large groups, this seems to mess with the continuity of the story a bit.When I rejoin the formation I have to crawl over the corpses of my fallen brethren, higher than our average houses reach. The battle strecthes for hours and hours, and countless of ours succumb to the vicious might of this creature.
Stretches*
creature*...and slashing at the more vulnerable parts of it, and every time the creatur flinches in pain, we charge forwards again. Each uncontrolled spasm of the giant creature unleaches a burning fury in our hearts.
unleashes*
OVerall this is good, I really enjoyed the ending ^_^
7/10
(I'm picky)
Credit goes to Lillian Thorne.
Roleplays I run
Spoiler
Thanks
Well, being enthousiastic has bad sides apparently, should've taken more time when writing it.
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