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Thread: Rough Draft/Sloppy Coppy: "Genesis Game" novelization, Chapter 1 (long title :D)

  1. #1
    Professional Cuddle Buddy Chelubai's Avatar
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    Rough Draft/Sloppy Coppy: "Genesis Game" novelization, Chapter 1 (long title :D)

    So I've been writing a book based off of an RP I started... Or rather I started the roleplay after basing it off the book...

    But I decided I would share the first draft of chapter one, a.k.a. Th bad VERY BAD draft, before my editor got a hold of me BAD.

    So, here we go ^^ :3


    Spoiler

    "Love is dimensionless, it's the medium you put it in that makes a difference."






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    Dazzlingly Fabulous Tytus's Avatar
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    I like it! It kept me hooked and as surprised as Gabriel was. The ending caught me off guard.

    Chapter Two or else.

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    Professional Cuddle Buddy Chelubai's Avatar
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    H3h3

    "Love is dimensionless, it's the medium you put it in that makes a difference."






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    The Thinking Man Callthecops's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chelubai View Post
    And you never complimented my writing!
    *attention whore*
    It's very good! Stylistically, I'm not the biggest fan of first person narratives, but that's a personal thing. Otherwise, the writing is good, the story kept my attention, and for a first draft, there were very few glaring mistakes. I think it speaks for itself, keep it up man!
    I've spent so long trying desperately to learn how to love. I gaze into her eyes, she's beautiful, my love.
    But there is something within me, which forces me to look away, and when I do, I see darkness. I see filth, and depravity, and greed.
    I see not the world with all of it's shine, and lost is the love I found in her eyes.
    All that remains is hate.

  5. #5
    Mad Sophist Sathanas Rex's Avatar
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    Hi there!

    This was interesting. You immediately managed to bring to the reader's attention that the narrator evidently wasn't human, kudos to you. However, your character's voice is a little off in places. If he's not human, his dialogue probably shouldn't be so fluent, casual, and easy, especially if he's just getting to grips with reality again, is he?

    Furthermore, I'd like to point out if this is to be considered a novel, then another something that should be pointed out is the lack of description. Even though this is clearly oriented towards a more action-adventure style piece, there should always be some modicum of description. Description helps us ground the location in the reader's minds, and furthermore, slows down the pace somewhat. Here, however, the chapter moves far too quickly. The readers barely have time to digest all that's going on before you throw something else in the mix. That's a lot to take in all in one go.

    Overall however, for a first draft, it wasn't bad! I recommend you run this through word to correct tiny little mistakes like improper use of apostrophes, though.

    Hope I could help x)


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  6. #6
    Professional Cuddle Buddy Chelubai's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sathanas Rex View Post
    Hi there!

    This was interesting. You immediately managed to bring to the reader's attention that the narrator evidently wasn't human, kudos to you. However, your character's voice is a little off in places. If he's not human, his dialogue probably shouldn't be so fluent, casual, and easy, especially if he's just getting to grips with reality again, is he?

    Furthermore, I'd like to point out if this is to be considered a novel, then another something that should be pointed out is the lack of description. Even though this is clearly oriented towards a more action-adventure style piece, there should always be some modicum of description. Description helps us ground the location in the reader's minds, and furthermore, slows down the pace somewhat. Here, however, the chapter moves far too quickly. The readers barely have time to digest all that's going on before you throw something else in the mix. That's a lot to take in all in one go.

    Overall however, for a first draft, it wasn't bad! I recommend you run this through word to correct tiny little mistakes like improper use of apostrophes, though.

    Hope I could help x)

    Lol... Look at the title "unedited version"
    I have an editor and she's had this chapter torn apart for months now.

    And yes, the narrator is STILL A HUMAN l.o.l!

    - - - Updated - - -

    And you should read chapter 2

    "Love is dimensionless, it's the medium you put it in that makes a difference."






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