So Who Else?
Feels like whenever you talk with someone, the conversation rarely flows naturally, but instead it feels more forced.
Let me explain with an example:
My dad and my brothers are able to strike up conversations with other family members (cousins, aunts, etc) with great ease. I mean, a simple question of "How have you been, turns into a fucking 40 minute conversation. At first I couldn't understand how they did it, but then I realized, they're just different. Some people just aren't good at small talk, not because they are inept, but because they just aren't interested.
My family considers me emotionally distant for these very reasons. I'm not interested in their day to day activities, I can go VERY long periods of time without socialization and feel completely satisfied. I think it some ways, this gives them the impression I don't care about them, but quite the contrary. I RARELY talk to my mom about 'how things are going', but not because I don't care about her, in fact, if she died I would be torn apart, but I just don't place the same value in idle talk that other people seem to do.
Now, this might seem like a rant that 'I just don't don't talk to people because I hate idle talk", but based on your perceptions, Idle talk can mean completely different things. I'm not good at putting thoughts into words, i never have been.
Over the past year or so, i've really scrutinized myself and how I act, mostly because I've felt out of place. To anyone who knows what i'm talking about, it's like having an alternate persona; you adopt a personality when you are around people because you know that's what they expect/want, and you do it because being yourself makes you feel lonely.
I can be EXTREMELY sociable, and some times doing so requires little effort, yet sometimes connecting with people beyond a superficial level is exhausting.
For a long period of time, I thought I may have SPD, Schizoid Personality Disorder.
I liked to exercise, but sometimes I would go jogging in a downpour because I knew there would be no one else on the streets, and I liked that. I liked to weight lift, but I only ever went at 1 or 2 in the morning, because I knew no one else would be there. For the majority of my family, I feel like if they passed away I would go on mostly unaffected. Not because I don't value thier lives, I do, but no more than I value the life of anything else, from a complete stranger to an animal. But at one point, I talked to a person with actual SPD, and he told me he wouldn't cry if his mother died, because he didn't see his mother any differently than he did a random woman passing him on the street.
I couldn't quiet comprehend that. If my mother died, I would undoubtedly feel remorse. Now would I feel remorse because I love her, or because I feel like I owe her something because she loved me? Probably a mixture of both. For one, my mother and I are a lot alike, in that she kind of forces herself to be sociable. So in some ways, she is an extension of me, and at the moment she is kind of what grounds me to 'normality'.
I don't know how to explain it, but it's almost like I set myself up for misery, for while I want to connect with people, I make it nearly impossible for myself, and when people try to connect with me, I side-step it like the plague. Bear in mind, that friendly talk and laughter is completely different than actually 'connecting' with someone.
This may seem random, but today visited my cousin, and his belief (bordering on disillusion) really made me question things.
I totally think about this all the time.
I think all you have to do is be genuinely interested in what someone has to say, to want to understand whatever it is they're talking about, or to understand who they are, and to be willing to be uncomfortable or just hear things. Oftentimes you might start out feeling a convo is dull or pointless but then see a glimmer of something genuine. It's about patience, interest, asking questions, and receptiveness.
now I wanna have a deep convo with you. 8D
Originally Posted by Ruby