Let's go back to a more innocent time called 1984. Reagan is the president of the United States, the Soviet Union is still Generation X's Big Bad, and both sides of the Iron Curtain are throwing awesome amounts of money into space programs, because if you can't beat each other up to prove who's top dog, you basically have a show and tell type arms race of getting your parents to throw irresponsible amounts of money at a dick measuring contest before you realize Puberty isn't the new He-Man villain.
Premiering in this bygone era of apple pie verses bread lines was a little gem you might know called Transformers. It ran for over 60 episodes, got a kick ass full-length movie in 1986, and was generally the best thing ever to happen to boys across North America next to their local pedophile priest getting arrested. Transformers would go on to live on to the far off date of 2013 with a shit load of spinoffs, video games, comic books (with Marvel, among others), and sold more toys than the US defense budget of any given year, eventually being turned into massive movie events by Michael Bay who apparently forgot what the Transformers looked like and generally what they acted like, and came up with some crude presumptions after snorting sixteen lines of cocaine and shooting up about 3 syringes worth of heroin. Girls had My Little Pony, which was... I don't know, cool, maybe? Boys had GI Joes and now Transformers. If the world exploded at this point, I'm pretty sure little Jimmy would have had no regrets. Everything he had experienced in life at that point was fucking awesome.
So, feeling nostalgic as hell after playing the sublime Transformers: War for Cybertron and Transformers: Fall of Cybertron, re-imaginings of the Generation 1 (original) continuity in a much more mature tone and better animation and acting, along with being generally violent and awesome romps through the series' origin that was certainly more profound than the Hugh Jackman vehicle known as Wolverine: Origins when trying to explain how your favorite characters came into being, and decided to take the nostalgic adventure into re-watching the original Transformers series on Netflix because I had largely forgotten what the show was like, and clips off Youtube do not suffice.
After a brief acclimatization period, I had come to remember what made the original series fucking amazing.
The original Transformers, without fail, is a continuity where the entire cast of characters are fucking retarded. This leads me to this humble review of a recent episode I had watched titled, "S.O.S. Dinobots", the introduction of the Dinobots, the created group of Transformers that are based on Dinosaurs in a series where the premise is that the Transformers turn into alternate forms to remain disguised among the human populace (an idea they fail harder at than the prosecutors at the O.J. Simpson murder trial).
What lead to the creation of these Dinobots, you wonder? Well, read on, gentle reader, as I take you on a magical journey through an episode of The Transformers.
The Autobots, based out of their crashed spaceship called the Arc, are suddenly besieged by seismic activity and despite being 20-40 foot tall murder machines, seem to be particularly concerned about the source of this disturbance. Excavating a wall in their base that had been there the entire time, they discover the fossils of three dinosaurs just sitting there in a large cavern, completely baffled by their existence.
Spike Witwicky, the human kid that hangs around with them all day with his dad, the curiously named Sparkplug, presumably subsiding on rats and their own urine instead of finding new work after their oil rig was destroyed by the Decepticons in the first episode and they were rescued by the Autobots and the Autobots decided that two humans who worked on an oil rig were the well of knowledge into human culture and Earth's history to help save it from Megatron. This would shockingly not be the Autobot's biggest mistake.
They finally found where Carmen Sandiego was hiding.
BP denied responsibility.
Back to the fossils, Spike decides to go all Ms. Frizzle from the Magic School Bus and educates the Autobots about dinosaurs. The Autobots, despite being the aforementioned 20-40 foot murder machines with laser rifles and plasma cannons, bemoan the fact that dinosaurs are extinct, as it would have been totally fucking awesome to send dinosaurs into battle against the Decepticons, an idea that every 8 year old boy watching their 300 pound rear projection television with rabbit ears was doubtless nodding in agreement with. Wheeljack, the Autobot's main scientist and inventor, came up with a plan on the spot that would go on to bring up much more questions than we ever thought to ask; if the Autobots can't get real dinosaurs, why not just make robot dinosaurs? At this point, little Timmy is pulling on Mom's dress and begging to be driven to the toy store.
Wheeljack, seen here demonstrating better judgement in cars than his pursuit of science.
Optimus Prime, being the exact same push over as your uncle who acts stern and firm until you give him puppy eyes and he promptly gives you exactly what you wanted in the first place or forgives you for being a little shit, decides this is a great idea and tells Wheeljack and Ratchet to go ahead and make the giant robot murder machines, dinosaur edition. Wheeljack presents the Dinobots to the team in the Ark, intending to demonstrate their power to the team to make them think they didn't just waste a week building something as precisely as ridiculous as it sounds.
There was absolutely no way this plan could backfire.
The Dinobots proceed to demonstrate exactly how awesome they are by fucking trashing the Autobots' base in a situation the Autobots could have prevented if only they had Jeff Goldblum advising them instead of a 20-something year old kid whose education is the same as Bruce Willis' and Ben Afflec's in Armageddon. The Dinobots, acting as retarded dinosaur robots are won't do do after Spike pretty much said that all dinosaurs are fucking idiots because of their pea-sized brains, proceed to attack the Autobots and break everything, including the super computer Teletraan 1, which is a glorified room filling smart phone. They manage to disable the Dinobots with Wheeljack's magnetic inducer, which is technojargon for he probably expected this to happen and had had a fail safe, which given the (lack of) competency of everyone on this show, is a remarkable totally unbelievable amount of foresight.
Bubblebee knows better than to fuck with a giant robot T-rex who can breathe fire. Also, he was tired of stumbling upon Ironhide's porn tabs.
Optimus Prime orders Wheeljack to put the deactivated Dinobots in the same cave as the fossils to be sealed forever and never spoken of again, kind of like your mom telling you to throw out your favorite pair of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle underoos with the Rhode Island sized shit stain adorning them or stumbling into your parents screwing in the middle of the night when you thought they were being attacked by monsters. He claims the Dinobots are too dangerous and retarded to be trusted, which is probably the most intelligent thing anyone's said all episode. Wheeljack tries to protest, but he obviously hasn't quite worked out how to manipulate Optimus' Benevolent Uncle nature - yet.
Meanwhile, with the Decepticons, they have staked out a hydroelectric dam, planning on using its continuous power to provide all the energy they need to make energon cubes. Megatron, being the Cybertronian equivalent of 1600s European explorers, basically overworks all the equipment at this dam so it is bound to fail, pretty much ruining his idea of sustainable energy in his quest to pump out as much energon (power/fuel/energy for Transformers) as possible. The workers try to call the Autobots for help, but since Teletraan 1 was trashed by Grimlock (the T-rex Dinobot), the Autobots don't hear about it. Looks like the Decepticons are going to win. About fucking time.
Soundwave and Reflector, being inconspicuous to anyone who isn't looking out a window.
Hound, one of the few Autobots who have a military vehicle (in this case, a jeep) for an alternate form compared the Decepticons, where it's basically the go-to disguise, stumbles upon the Decepticons trolling the dam and radios in to the Autobots for help. Why the humans didn't try to set up more than one line of communication with the Autobots is anyone's guess, but I believe Transformers to be a cautionary tale of the reliance on technology - ha, nope. Couldn't keep a straight face. The humans are just as goddamn stupid as the Transformers. Anyways, Optimus gets Hound's message and gets the entirety of the Autobots to go out to whoop some Decepticon ass, leaving Bumblebee back to guard the base, with Wheeljack and Rachet continuing to do... science, I guess.
Predictably, the Decepticons planned ahead and were waiting for the Autobots (probably wondering what the goddamn hold up was, usually they're so punctual!) and spring their trap. The cliff the Autobots were standing on crumbles under the Megatron's fire and sends the Autobots crashing into the river below, no doubt feeling a little bit silly that they weren't a bit more subtle about their approach.
Bumblebee, being a little rebel who wants to help his friends (including Spike, who for obvious reasons should not be at a fight between 20-40 foot tall murder machines), fucks off from the Ark, leaving Wheeljack and Rachet completely unattended. Had this episode been any more believable, the Autobots would have returned to find a crater instead of a home bases, or said home base turned into a 200-400 foot tall murder machine waiting to crush them upon arrival. But this is a show about fighting alien robots and their cooky adventures, so thankfully that was not the case. No, so instead Wheeljack, who is more unfamiliar with the concept of moving on than your ex, decides to do something bold and daring; he's going to make these implants for the Dinobots to make them not so fucking stupid. Why he didn't put these things in in the first place is anyone's case, but the long and short of it is, these implants worked and the Dinobots, now not mindless dumbasses, have been promoted to functionally retarded. They speak terrible English and have a hard time grasping basic ideas, but at least now they aren't trashing the place and realize that the friendly red Autobot symbol means friend. Sigh. They grow up so fast. Wheeljack sends them to the dam to save the Autobots, who at this point, are thoroughly getting their asses whooped and the Decepticons have them captive in energy chains, because apparently Megatron is in that bondage phase in his life.
Wait. Grimlock forgot his safety helmet and lunch pail.
Suddenly, the Dinobots arrive and proceed to against all odds give some merit to the idea of making robot dinosaurs after all by being completely immune to Decepticon weapons because either they are too big or stupid to be affected by it, although I suspect it's a combination of both. Anyways, they give the Decepticons a through ass kicking that they won't soon forget and caused perhaps one of the few justified retreats in their history. Way to go, Dinotards. You saved the day. Wheeljack and Bumblebee prepare to get chewed out by Optimus Prime, but know that it's easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission from a Benevolent Uncle. Instead, Optimus Prime acknowledges that hey, giant robot dinosaurs are awesome and should totally be a part of the team. The Autobots and Dinobots cheer, because teamwork I guess, and kids everywhere are forcing their parents to begin writing Christmas wish lists for the new Dinobot toys as tears fill their eyes as they ponder their finances and why they didn't use a rubber in that sketchy hotel 9 years ago. Once again, good prevails and everyone lives happily ever after until next week.
Skywarp is in the process of learning that state-of-the-art military hardware is no match for a child's imagination.
Dervish gives The Transformers 4 out of 5 energon cubes, deducting one point because the animators get lazy and the artists like to mix up character colours and put the wrong characters into some scenes before hastily correcting it, hoping nobody notices.
Closing remarks, hilariously literally 2 episodes later, Megatron convinces the Dinobots to turn on Optimus Prime in the span of 4 sentences and steals the meteroite they were guarding. This show is awesome.