Jax felt cotton in his mouth and dryness through his whole body. He could be awake. But why suffer that. He kept his eyes closed and his head immobile. That was the best way to face the not waking up, waking up. No one was kicking him or yelling so, wind spit, he wasn’t going to even open his eyes. Nope. He could lay here longer. 

He let the scent fill his memory; booze, books, and oh the so wonderful smell of Nicki’s cabin. Now he was sure he wouldn’t open his eyes until someone made him. He would just smell the glorious place and think …. Nicki, Nicki, Nicki, Nicki, Nicki. She gave him her name, read to him, and let him sleep in her cabin.

This was the best goddamn hangover ever! He let his lips smile being the only part of his head he moved.

But as still as the outside of his head was his thoughts tumbled. She could drink. That wondrous woman. She was a sexy sea fish and so much more. How deep was the hard-handed, healer? Who would she ever let know? Not him. No. He best stay away. He should think of something really stupid to say, really offensive to make it easier for her to kick him out, regret the night, keep him at arms distance. Then he would spend all day, again trying to get close. How stupid was that? Yet in some way it made sense to Jax. He shouldn’t feel this way about her. He wanted her friendship and that was like holding a gun to her head as well as his. Friends? Men and woman can not be friends. Crewmates can not be real close either, in Jax’s mind. Keep the love to the ship, not the people. Men and women, crewmates, not good friends. He could prove that to her. The next time they shared a reading he would jump her, take her down and kiss every inch of her unfairly sexy body. As he let his lips slide over her he would call her First Mate. Oh yea, that’s a way to end a friendship. 

So it would be best to just be his stupid self and make sure he hurt her quick . Like pulling the bandage off or spinning a hangover all around. He would wish for her, repeat her name inside himself, but let her go before they both were just plain stupid. Sure Jax, his mind swirled. As if you can let go what you never had. 

Still, he knew he was on this string that winds up wanting to spend time with her and then yanks and spins away thinking it best only to be pulled back. He was already caught. Already spinning. 

Well, not really. Right now he was going to just lie still. Right here. In her cabin. Smelling her books and their booze. Thinking her name. Thinking what he could do or say to spin her away from him again.