So I got a job working security and most of the job assignments are going to be in downtown Portland, Oregon. There are lots of homeless people around there, and plenty of them are utterly batshit crazy due to drugs or the shit way we handle the mentally ill in this country. Standing around guarding stuff in the middle of the night deep in crazy transient territory means I'll probably see a lot of weird shit in the future, which was confirmed via the shift I worked last night. I figured I'd make a thread to share that nonsense and also probably more as it occurs, because it'll be funny, so here goes.
Last night I worked for 14 hours (7 PM to 9 AM) sitting outdoors watching over some sound equipment and various merchandise for a festival for berry growers and jam makers and shit that was taking place over two days in a parking lot, and I had a few amusing run ins with said batshit transients. It was right next to one of the tracks of the light rail transit system that Portland has, and homeless people love to congregate around there, so I wasn't surprised to see a lot of homeless dudes wandering around rummaging in trash bins looking for cans and stuff. However, it was the few that I actually interacted with that made me feel like sharing the story. I already told people on Skype about this, but that was quick and I was tired, so this'll be more detailed.
The first incident I had was a drunk guy in a wheelchair fucking around on the sidewalk near the place I was guarding. He was moving around backwards, using his one good foot to push him along while mumbling incoherent nonsense for a couple hours. Dude had an open can of beer that he dropped a couple times and tried ineffectually to pick up; I didn't help him cause fuck it, I was working and he was off the premises I care about for said work, but two different people walking by did stop to give him his beer, so good work Portland people I guess. Later on he tried to move one of the barricades around the place and get in, so I had to go put it back and tell him he couldn't come in. Dunno if he actually understood me, but he mumbled something and wheeled away a bit. Then he went to go put his empty beer can in his backpack, and somehow in his fumbling he managed to get the can in there but pull out a newspaper, a pair of cut-off jean shorts, and some sunglasses. Dude tried to pick all that up, and again I just left him alone cause fuck it, and nobody helped him this time around. He wheeled about some more and ended up smashing his sunglasses before he fell asleep, right there in his wheelchair in the middle of the sidewalk. I called the field supervisor dude and asked if I should call the non-emergency line to get someone to come take him elsewhere, but apparently if the homeless dudes aren't sleeping on the premises we're guarding then the company policy is to just leave them be. He slept there for 6-7 hours, and then when he woke up he pissed on the sidewalk. Like he didn't stand up, he managed to get most of it onto the sidewalk from a seated position. I was somewhat impressed. He left after that and I didn't see him again.
Going into the job I expected the homeless insanity nonsense to peak in the wee hours of the night, so after wheelchair dude took off I thought it was going to be a boring handful of hours until I left. That was not the case. Apparently the crazies come out with the sun, just like normal people. Around 6 AM this rather fat white woman came wandering in, wearing pajama pants, a tank top that was a couple sizes too small, and a pink blanket clutched around her shoulders like a shawl. She looked around, saw me standing there on the stage at one end of the parking lot, and maintained eye contact. Then she started pulling away one of the tables from the information booth and said it was her bed. I had to go over there and tell her no, it's not her bed, and no, she can't take it, then I put it back where it belonged. She pointed to another table and asked if she could use that; I said no. She did it again, same response. Again, and then I told her that no, none of the tables or benches in this area could be her bed, and that she needed to leave the area.
That was when she started telling me that there are only 6 or 7 real humans in the world. Everyone else is a vampire or a prismatic or.. I forget the other things she said, but it was a load of nonsense. During this rambling I adjusted my hat and she thanked me for saluting her, and she sounded super grateful about it. A little bit after that point she said that she'd been attacked by a vampire and pulled aside her blanket to show me her pimply neck and pointed to where there were supposedly two bloody wounds as proof. Apparently in relation to said vampire attack, she said she needed to sleep or else she'd go psychotic. I decided it would be wiser not to say "but you're already clearly psychotic," so instead I directed her to the public part just across the intersection from the place. She said she couldn't understand my directions of "just across the street" accompanied by pointing and said that I needed to show her how to get there. I walked her to the edge of the parking lot and pointed to the park, which had been clearly visible from where we had been standing before, and said that there were benches there where she could sit or sleep or wherever and I wouldn't bother her since she would be out of the place I'm guarding. That seemed to work, and she shambled off without saying anything else. No idea where she ended up going, because I never saw her on those park benches, but she was no longer trying to steal the tables I was guarding so it was all good as far as I was concerned.
The final incident of the night (or day, really) was my favorite. At around 8:15 AM a thin black woman came walking into the place, wearing some kinda black pants and a green sweater that was way too large for her; she was wearing nothing underneath that sweater, which I was not pleased to see proof of as she moved around doing crazy person things. She came in and picked up a pencil off one of the tables, so I stood up from the chair I was lazing about in waiting to be able to go home and told her to put it back. The lady turned to look at me and had this super pissed off look on her face, and she turned and threw the pencil to the other side of the parking lot. I walked over to her and started the whole "you need to leave" shit, but she wasn't having any of it and got even more pissed off.
There were some green paint marks on the ground, just little guide marker things for where the vendor tent things (not full tents, no walls, just roof things for protection from weather nonsense) should go. The woman went and pointed at them, bending down to actually touch them (which was when I saw she had nothing on under the sweater, and it was not a pretty sight), then pointed at her shirt, and she said that because they were the same color that was proof that the festival was the work of Iraqi people. She ranted about them and how she was hunting them down before I told her that no, this wasn't Iraqi work, it was just some people selling berries and jams and cookbooks and such, and that only irritated her more. She said something along the lines of "I'm Jehovah, and you're trying to tell me I'm wrong?" with a rather good incredulous tone of voice. I of course said that yes, I was telling her that she was not correct, and also that she needed to leave now.
Jehovah the Iraqi Hunter didn't like that and said she needed something thin to track down the Iraqis. She asked if I had some paper, and I said no, I didn't have any paper she could have. Predictably enough, this elicited yet more anger. She grabbed a laminated paper thing that was taped to the information tent's pole thing and tried to rip it in half, but she failed so she threw that away too. Then as I was grabbing that she took a wooden stake out of a pot thing that had a blueberry plant growing in it, which had a piece of paper saying it was grown at some plant nursery place; she ripped the piece of paper off it, dropped the stake, and took off running out of the parking lot. I sighed and retrieved the stake and replaced it, and thought that might've been the end of it, but apparently not.
She stopped across the street and turned around to yell at me about how if I'm working for the Iraqis then I must be one too. There was some nonsense ranting, then she stopped mid-sentence and asked if I had a lighter. I said no, and she seemed rather confused and asked again, this time clarifying that she wanted a cigarette lighter. I said that I don't smoke so I don't carry one. That sent her over the edge again. She said something to the effect of "And you call yourself a patriot? How can you salute the flag and then do this to me?" before she started ranting again about how I was an Iraqi. She ended it by saying "fucking Iraqi, I'm gonna blow you up." I responded with a tired "yeah, you do that," and then she wandered away to sit on a bench at the nearby train stop, then got on the train that came through about ten minutes later (without a ticket, fucking Jehovah is a criminal as it turns out) and that was the end of my shenanigans for that job.
I kinda hope I get more outdoor jobs like that, because that was some hilarious shit to experience. It definitely kept me awake in the last stretch of my shift after sitting there bored through the night.
Last night I worked for 14 hours (7 PM to 9 AM) sitting outdoors watching over some sound equipment and various merchandise for a festival for berry growers and jam makers and shit that was taking place over two days in a parking lot, and I had a few amusing run ins with said batshit transients. It was right next to one of the tracks of the light rail transit system that Portland has, and homeless people love to congregate around there, so I wasn't surprised to see a lot of homeless dudes wandering around rummaging in trash bins looking for cans and stuff. However, it was the few that I actually interacted with that made me feel like sharing the story. I already told people on Skype about this, but that was quick and I was tired, so this'll be more detailed.
The first incident I had was a drunk guy in a wheelchair fucking around on the sidewalk near the place I was guarding. He was moving around backwards, using his one good foot to push him along while mumbling incoherent nonsense for a couple hours. Dude had an open can of beer that he dropped a couple times and tried ineffectually to pick up; I didn't help him cause fuck it, I was working and he was off the premises I care about for said work, but two different people walking by did stop to give him his beer, so good work Portland people I guess. Later on he tried to move one of the barricades around the place and get in, so I had to go put it back and tell him he couldn't come in. Dunno if he actually understood me, but he mumbled something and wheeled away a bit. Then he went to go put his empty beer can in his backpack, and somehow in his fumbling he managed to get the can in there but pull out a newspaper, a pair of cut-off jean shorts, and some sunglasses. Dude tried to pick all that up, and again I just left him alone cause fuck it, and nobody helped him this time around. He wheeled about some more and ended up smashing his sunglasses before he fell asleep, right there in his wheelchair in the middle of the sidewalk. I called the field supervisor dude and asked if I should call the non-emergency line to get someone to come take him elsewhere, but apparently if the homeless dudes aren't sleeping on the premises we're guarding then the company policy is to just leave them be. He slept there for 6-7 hours, and then when he woke up he pissed on the sidewalk. Like he didn't stand up, he managed to get most of it onto the sidewalk from a seated position. I was somewhat impressed. He left after that and I didn't see him again.
Going into the job I expected the homeless insanity nonsense to peak in the wee hours of the night, so after wheelchair dude took off I thought it was going to be a boring handful of hours until I left. That was not the case. Apparently the crazies come out with the sun, just like normal people. Around 6 AM this rather fat white woman came wandering in, wearing pajama pants, a tank top that was a couple sizes too small, and a pink blanket clutched around her shoulders like a shawl. She looked around, saw me standing there on the stage at one end of the parking lot, and maintained eye contact. Then she started pulling away one of the tables from the information booth and said it was her bed. I had to go over there and tell her no, it's not her bed, and no, she can't take it, then I put it back where it belonged. She pointed to another table and asked if she could use that; I said no. She did it again, same response. Again, and then I told her that no, none of the tables or benches in this area could be her bed, and that she needed to leave the area.
That was when she started telling me that there are only 6 or 7 real humans in the world. Everyone else is a vampire or a prismatic or.. I forget the other things she said, but it was a load of nonsense. During this rambling I adjusted my hat and she thanked me for saluting her, and she sounded super grateful about it. A little bit after that point she said that she'd been attacked by a vampire and pulled aside her blanket to show me her pimply neck and pointed to where there were supposedly two bloody wounds as proof. Apparently in relation to said vampire attack, she said she needed to sleep or else she'd go psychotic. I decided it would be wiser not to say "but you're already clearly psychotic," so instead I directed her to the public part just across the intersection from the place. She said she couldn't understand my directions of "just across the street" accompanied by pointing and said that I needed to show her how to get there. I walked her to the edge of the parking lot and pointed to the park, which had been clearly visible from where we had been standing before, and said that there were benches there where she could sit or sleep or wherever and I wouldn't bother her since she would be out of the place I'm guarding. That seemed to work, and she shambled off without saying anything else. No idea where she ended up going, because I never saw her on those park benches, but she was no longer trying to steal the tables I was guarding so it was all good as far as I was concerned.
The final incident of the night (or day, really) was my favorite. At around 8:15 AM a thin black woman came walking into the place, wearing some kinda black pants and a green sweater that was way too large for her; she was wearing nothing underneath that sweater, which I was not pleased to see proof of as she moved around doing crazy person things. She came in and picked up a pencil off one of the tables, so I stood up from the chair I was lazing about in waiting to be able to go home and told her to put it back. The lady turned to look at me and had this super pissed off look on her face, and she turned and threw the pencil to the other side of the parking lot. I walked over to her and started the whole "you need to leave" shit, but she wasn't having any of it and got even more pissed off.
There were some green paint marks on the ground, just little guide marker things for where the vendor tent things (not full tents, no walls, just roof things for protection from weather nonsense) should go. The woman went and pointed at them, bending down to actually touch them (which was when I saw she had nothing on under the sweater, and it was not a pretty sight), then pointed at her shirt, and she said that because they were the same color that was proof that the festival was the work of Iraqi people. She ranted about them and how she was hunting them down before I told her that no, this wasn't Iraqi work, it was just some people selling berries and jams and cookbooks and such, and that only irritated her more. She said something along the lines of "I'm Jehovah, and you're trying to tell me I'm wrong?" with a rather good incredulous tone of voice. I of course said that yes, I was telling her that she was not correct, and also that she needed to leave now.
Jehovah the Iraqi Hunter didn't like that and said she needed something thin to track down the Iraqis. She asked if I had some paper, and I said no, I didn't have any paper she could have. Predictably enough, this elicited yet more anger. She grabbed a laminated paper thing that was taped to the information tent's pole thing and tried to rip it in half, but she failed so she threw that away too. Then as I was grabbing that she took a wooden stake out of a pot thing that had a blueberry plant growing in it, which had a piece of paper saying it was grown at some plant nursery place; she ripped the piece of paper off it, dropped the stake, and took off running out of the parking lot. I sighed and retrieved the stake and replaced it, and thought that might've been the end of it, but apparently not.
She stopped across the street and turned around to yell at me about how if I'm working for the Iraqis then I must be one too. There was some nonsense ranting, then she stopped mid-sentence and asked if I had a lighter. I said no, and she seemed rather confused and asked again, this time clarifying that she wanted a cigarette lighter. I said that I don't smoke so I don't carry one. That sent her over the edge again. She said something to the effect of "And you call yourself a patriot? How can you salute the flag and then do this to me?" before she started ranting again about how I was an Iraqi. She ended it by saying "fucking Iraqi, I'm gonna blow you up." I responded with a tired "yeah, you do that," and then she wandered away to sit on a bench at the nearby train stop, then got on the train that came through about ten minutes later (without a ticket, fucking Jehovah is a criminal as it turns out) and that was the end of my shenanigans for that job.
I kinda hope I get more outdoor jobs like that, because that was some hilarious shit to experience. It definitely kept me awake in the last stretch of my shift after sitting there bored through the night.
