Pudding said
... Not sure how to start...
This.
Also, it seems like the two peeps who have posted are both already insane. Heh.
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Derpestein The Neckbeard Stroker
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8 yrs ago
This.
Also, it seems like the two peeps who have posted are both already insane. Heh.
Derpestein said
Also, it seems like the two peeps who have posted are both already insane. Heh.
As I said, try to establish your character. For example, supposing that Emi is as chivalrous as his magical form would suggest then try to put him in a situation that shows this trait
Pudding Queen Of Yaoi
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5 yrs ago
Amalvi said
As I said, try to establish your character. For example, supposing that Emi is as chivalrous as his magical form would suggest then try to put him in a situation that shows this trait
> Attempts.
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Hibiki No Echo Yo.
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6 mos ago
Just wanna put this out there, Kiku is NOT the person in the first section nor is he the person that narrates the OP. That's someone different entirely.
Derpestein The Neckbeard Stroker
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8 yrs ago
Got a post up finally!
Well, silent, hero, have you guys though of an innitial post?
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Hibiki No Echo Yo.
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6 mos ago
I'll probably post something so you all can think of something to do or work towards.
Pudding Queen Of Yaoi
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5 yrs ago
Yokay :o
Any chance you're still recruiting?
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Hibiki No Echo Yo.
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6 mos ago
Sure I don't mind just a get a CS up. If it's good enough then I'll let you in.
Derpestein The Neckbeard Stroker
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8 yrs ago
Lennon79 said
Any chance you're still recruiting?
Yes.
Join us.
Name
Fujioka Souta
Age
15
Appearance
Souta wears whatever he can scavenge off the streets, mainly a mix of old shirts, patched jeans and a thick trench coat. He carries around a large rucksack full of his meagre belongings and pulls the brim of his worker's cap down so low that you can barely see his jaded blue-grey eyes. His hair is a faded brown, ragged and losing colour after years of neglect. Standing a mere 5"3", Souta doesn't cut an impressive figure; he lives on the edge of starvation, barely eating enough to maintain his waif-like figure.
When transformed, Souta's outfit becomes a pristine officer's uniform in icy blue, replete with gold beading and a magnificent fur trim. His cap is replaced with an ornate bicorne peaked by an pale blue feather hackle. His soul gem, normally a bright blue, transforms into an aquamarine medallion that sits at the base of the hackle.
Weapons
Souta wields a pair of ornate sabres in combat. His style is measured and elegant, twirling through the enemy with short steps and wrist movements as precise as an orchestral conductor. Most of his attacks are aimed at hamstringing the enemy and he tends to wait for a chance to counter before going in for the kill; when the opportunity presents itself, Souta will spring forward to parry and disarm, before bringing both his blades in for the killing blow. His style is more useful against other Magi than Wraiths, a byproduct of his wandering ways. If pushed beyond a certain threshold however, Souta's anger eventually gets the better of him and he descends into a mindless frenzy, hacking and slashing almost at random. It is debatable whether he is more powerful once he has lost it, but it will often take the opponent by surprise.
Magic
While the majority of his magic is focused on his movements and poise, Souta can still call upon it directly if need be. By channeling his rage and indignation, Souta can call forth great shards of ice to throw at his opponents; the greater his anger, the more powerful his magic. At the height of his power, Souta can summon huge walls of ice, either prisons to freeze the enemy solid or monoliths to drop on them.
Either way, it bloody hurts.
Finisher
If the enemy has proven particularly stubborn or has simply pissed Souta off enough, he will use his ultimate attack to finish the fight. By siphoning off the ambient energy in the air and combining it with his own magic Souta raises around the enemy a dozen enormous sabres of ice, each longer than a football pitch. For a moment nothing much happens except Souta taking a deep breath before bringing his arms down as if he were crushing a can; the sabres fall upon the enemy, slashing and hacking, breaking on each other and falling apart in a frenzy. In the meantime, Souta himself has completely lost his composure, slashing at the air with his sabres and screaming abuse while frothing at the mouth. It takes a while for him to recover his wits after using this finisher.
Bio
Many people are born to a happy family, with parents to love and nurture them and a home for shelter. Fujioka Souta could not recall whether he had ever had these things; he had always lived alone on the street, for as long as he could remember. Many things can happen to a young boy, alone in the night; many did, often bad things. From an early age Souta learned that his pride was something to be discarded. If he was to survive he would have to do whatever it took, no matter how bad the taste it left. For many years he worked as a courier for drug dealers, running packages across Tokyo; sometimes deals went bad, sometimes he was the scapegoat. Often he was beaten even if he succeeded. Sometimes worse. Before long Souta starting drinking and taking the drugs he shipped, anything to escape his dismal reality. Years melted away into a hazy melange of binge drinking, danger and indignity.
It was during one of these midnight narcotic binges that Souta had a meeting that would change his life, although he would soon come to regret it. Hallucinations had become a daily occurrence by this point, so Souta wasn't particularly surprised when a mutant squirrel-cat offered him a way out of the pits. Such encounters were the bread and butter of his delusions, perhaps a representation of what remained of the child in him, still hopeful, still willing to believe. Whatever the reason for their appearance, Souta always asked for the same thing, certain that nothing would ever come of it. 'Give me my dignity back.'
Of course Kyuubey was no delusion and true to his word; magic purged Souta's body of the drugs, healed scars of past assaults and gave him a purpose in life. For a time he was happy, proud of his new role and grateful to his benefactor; sadly this didn't last. The age old cycle of turf warfare eventually visited his patch of outer Tokyo, throwing Souta into a battle against one of his own kind; it was luck and luck alone that saved him, but what was left of his innocence died along with his opponent. Horrified by what he had done, the life he had taken, Souta left the city in the hopes that he might avoid other Magi. He hunted Wraiths in small towns, villages, places other Magi might have missed. But prey was scarce and he couldn't keep it up forever; occasionally he had to enter the cities to track better prey. Now, four years after becoming a Magi, Souta stands on the outskirts of a new city, Karashima. What Magi he might meet, what reception he might receive, he has no idea. But the hunger for Cubes takes priority.
Personality
A lifetime's education at the school of hard knocks has crafted Souta into a dark, cynical shell of a boy, unable to trust or believe in anything. He has learned to use anger as a shield, a way to shrug off pain both physical and emotional. For the most part he avoids others, preferring to remain outside the social circle, anonymous if he can help it. That said, he is not against cooperation with other Magi, so long as either they can prove their sincerity or Souta is confident that he can escape them if need be. Unlike most Magi, he has traveled to a great many places during his time, fought a great variety of Wraiths... and other Magi. He is willing, more or less, to give advice to others, if only to lower the high rate of attrition that Kyuubey's contractees suffer. Once you break past his cautious shell, Souta has quite a dry sense of humour and honestly cares about those around him; he hides this out of fear, both that he might be killed by another Magi and that he may be forced to kill once again.
Theme
Wish
Give me my dignity back.
I know the picture is female, but do you know how hard it is to find a decent male with dead fish eyes who isn't Kiritsugu? I can remove the Bio and Personality sections if you want; just my personal preference.
I don't think his back story is too extreme...
/edit Quotes and hiders don't mix...
I actually do not like your character
First is the weapon of choice, the cutlass seems really uninspired and the fact that his fighting style "is more effective against other magi than against wraiths" is astonishingly illogical since, as a magic boy, you are supposed to kill wraiths, not other magi. The magic seems boring and generic, not to mention completely unrelated to his wish and personality.
Second is the back story, which wasn't even supposed to be there. A bit of drama is okay, but you are clearly forcing it to ridicule levels and he was supposed to be freaking less than 11 when all of this misfortune happened to him, all in all not explaining actual important things like how come he wasn't in an orphanage (Tokyo is not precisely a third world village) or how did he even get into a school or education. He has been fighting since he was 11, when did he have time to go to school? Of course, he didn't go to school, but then he acts magnificent and highly as a cynical. Who took care of him? Alone his whole life? How about when he was a baby? It doesn't make sense. The time he killed his friend clearly was a despair horizon and he should have transformed into a wraith there.
The personality, which wan't needed either because you are better showing than telling, is constantly shouting at me "why". Everything indicates that Souta is already in complete despair. What kind of hope a person like that has? He has no friends, suffers horribly emotionally. It is contradictory that he is unable to trust or believe anything and then you say that cares about others. He acts like the toughest guy in the world and we are supposed to believe that because of the back story when is only 15 years old. A 15 years old teenager has been fighting to dead four years, hates the world, lives in constant anger and is completely alone. That screams despair to me
Overall, I thinks this is very badly written. A character that was thrown as many bad things as possible regardless of how impossible they are in order to excuse a cringe worthy personality spawned as a dark mary sue that has no real weakness (being distrustful, having angst and being edgy with a dark troublesome past are not weak points) coupled with vague abilities that are specifically described to be in advantage against the rest of the players ("best at fighting other magi") makes me think that you need to reconsider
however, I'm not the one that ultimately chooses, but still I'm telling this so that you improve
First is the weapon of choice, the cutlass seems really uninspired and the fact that his fighting style "is more effective against other magi than against wraiths" is astonishingly illogical since, as a magic boy, you are supposed to kill wraiths, not other magi. The magic seems boring and generic, not to mention completely unrelated to his wish and personality.
Second is the back story, which wasn't even supposed to be there. A bit of drama is okay, but you are clearly forcing it to ridicule levels and he was supposed to be freaking less than 11 when all of this misfortune happened to him, all in all not explaining actual important things like how come he wasn't in an orphanage (Tokyo is not precisely a third world village) or how did he even get into a school or education. He has been fighting since he was 11, when did he have time to go to school? Of course, he didn't go to school, but then he acts magnificent and highly as a cynical. Who took care of him? Alone his whole life? How about when he was a baby? It doesn't make sense. The time he killed his friend clearly was a despair horizon and he should have transformed into a wraith there.
The personality, which wan't needed either because you are better showing than telling, is constantly shouting at me "why". Everything indicates that Souta is already in complete despair. What kind of hope a person like that has? He has no friends, suffers horribly emotionally. It is contradictory that he is unable to trust or believe anything and then you say that cares about others. He acts like the toughest guy in the world and we are supposed to believe that because of the back story when is only 15 years old. A 15 years old teenager has been fighting to dead four years, hates the world, lives in constant anger and is completely alone. That screams despair to me
Overall, I thinks this is very badly written. A character that was thrown as many bad things as possible regardless of how impossible they are in order to excuse a cringe worthy personality spawned as a dark mary sue that has no real weakness (being distrustful, having angst and being edgy with a dark troublesome past are not weak points) coupled with vague abilities that are specifically described to be in advantage against the rest of the players ("best at fighting other magi") makes me think that you need to reconsider
however, I'm not the one that ultimately chooses, but still I'm telling this so that you improve
Derpestein The Neckbeard Stroker
Member
Seen
8 yrs ago
...
...
*waits for ensuing shit storm to happen.*
...
*waits for ensuing shit storm to happen.*
While you raise some good points, especially about the over the top despair I intentionally worked into the CS, I fail to see how his particular fighting style is any more or less imaginative than say, punching things. What you tend to get in PMMM RPs is a pissing match in terms of magic, with each CS having a more interesting and 'original' method than the last; I prefer to ignore that and have a character focused on personality (admittedly, a rather bleak personality).
Your points about him being homeless and not having all the advantages of a normal child, more or less correct. But read it again and I never stated whether or not he had been at an orphanage, or attended school. He simply doesn't know anymore and after a couple years living on the streets drunk and drugged out his eyeballs, how could he know? A big part of his personality is that he is right on the brink of falling into complete despair, which is intended as a plot hook for others to interact with, instead of having a character who is flawless and happy, needing no help.
And last but not least, I call complete bullshit on him being in any way a Sue. He is broken, not perfect; his combat style is self-destructive, his lifestyle is slowly staving him to death, he is socially awkward. And being distrustful is one HELL of a weakness. I take your point about his combat style and I can change that if necessary; the intention was actually to make him weaker, as he would need to rely on others to fight stronger Wraiths; again, a plot hook.
I can see where your coming from, but I still disagree. Plus I did say that I can remove the BIO and Personality sections if required.
Your points about him being homeless and not having all the advantages of a normal child, more or less correct. But read it again and I never stated whether or not he had been at an orphanage, or attended school. He simply doesn't know anymore and after a couple years living on the streets drunk and drugged out his eyeballs, how could he know? A big part of his personality is that he is right on the brink of falling into complete despair, which is intended as a plot hook for others to interact with, instead of having a character who is flawless and happy, needing no help.
And last but not least, I call complete bullshit on him being in any way a Sue. He is broken, not perfect; his combat style is self-destructive, his lifestyle is slowly staving him to death, he is socially awkward. And being distrustful is one HELL of a weakness. I take your point about his combat style and I can change that if necessary; the intention was actually to make him weaker, as he would need to rely on others to fight stronger Wraiths; again, a plot hook.
I can see where your coming from, but I still disagree. Plus I did say that I can remove the BIO and Personality sections if required.
Derpestein The Neckbeard Stroker
Member
Seen
8 yrs ago
Lennon79 said
While you raise some good points, especially about the over the top despair I intentionally worked into the CS, I fail to see how his particular fighting style is any more or less imaginative than say, punching things. What you tend to get in PMMM RPs is a pissing match in terms of magic, with each CS having a more interesting and 'original' method than the last; I prefer to ignore that and have a character focused on personality (admittedly, a rather bleak personality).Your points about him being homeless and not having all the advantages of a normal child, more or less correct. But read it again and I never stated whether or not he been at an orphanage, or attended school. He simply doesn't know anymore and after a couple years living on the streets drunk and drugged out his eyeballs, how could he know? A big part of his personality is that he is right on the brink of falling into complete despair, which is intended as a plot hook for others to interact with, instead of having a character who is flawless and happy, needing no help.And last but not least, I call complete bullshit on him being in any way a Sue. He is not perfect; his combat style is self-destructive, his lifestyle is slowly staving him to death, he is socially awkward. And being distrustful is one HELL of a weakness. I take your point about his combat style and I can change that if necessary; the intention was actually to make him as he would need to rely on others to fight stronger Wraiths; again, a plot hook.I can see where your coming from, but I still disagree. Plus I did say that I can remove the BIO and Personality sections if required.
You...
Took it surprisingly well.
Normally on the internet people get pissy and assholish about criticism. Good job.
Well, no sense throwing my toys out the pram. Besides, it's mostly fair points made.
The cutlasses are not imaginative because they are the same as sayaka
I don't understand why do you think being original is bad
If you focus on the personality and you yourself admit to have come with a bleak personality then you yourself got your answer
I'm aware you never stated any of those things, that's what I'm complaining about. That selective amnesia
Never said your character must be flawless and happy who needs no help. However it doesn't fit the universe of this rp because any character in the brink of despair is dead
You are contradicting yourself, his self destructive combat is not a flaw but an advantage if it leads to him being a fighting beast. Magis cannot starve to dead because the body is just a vessel that does not need to be taken care of, any hunger, pain or anything can be cured with magic, even a cut arm. A suffering way of life is a given to any magi, not a single flaw for just one. You yourself said that he prefers to remain outside social circles, so socially awkwardness is not a flaw because he does not care about others. Being distrustful is not a weakness because trustful people end up dead and thus being skeptic is a valuable trait for survival in a crapsack world, not to mention how charming and clever skeptical people seem. Ergo, I refrain that they are no real flaws
I never said that you should make the powers weaker, just make them interesting to see in action.
P.D: just like Derpestein said, I'm glad you are taking this well
I don't understand why do you think being original is bad
If you focus on the personality and you yourself admit to have come with a bleak personality then you yourself got your answer
I'm aware you never stated any of those things, that's what I'm complaining about. That selective amnesia
Never said your character must be flawless and happy who needs no help. However it doesn't fit the universe of this rp because any character in the brink of despair is dead
You are contradicting yourself, his self destructive combat is not a flaw but an advantage if it leads to him being a fighting beast. Magis cannot starve to dead because the body is just a vessel that does not need to be taken care of, any hunger, pain or anything can be cured with magic, even a cut arm. A suffering way of life is a given to any magi, not a single flaw for just one. You yourself said that he prefers to remain outside social circles, so socially awkwardness is not a flaw because he does not care about others. Being distrustful is not a weakness because trustful people end up dead and thus being skeptic is a valuable trait for survival in a crapsack world, not to mention how charming and clever skeptical people seem. Ergo, I refrain that they are no real flaws
I never said that you should make the powers weaker, just make them interesting to see in action.
P.D: just like Derpestein said, I'm glad you are taking this well
/sigh
Ok.
The only similarity between Sayaka's sabre-like katana and Souta's sabres is that they are swords. There are already multiple characters in this RP with swords; do you have a problem with them too? Take a look at the style of fighting; Sayaka uses her sword like a katana. Short, chopping slashes, jabs and stabs. Souta uses both swords in a form of constant pirouette, moving slowly back and forth as he makes long, sweeping slashes and parrying blows. I apologise if that wasn't obvious enough. This is also how he is better suited to fighting other Magi; Wraiths aren't human sized enemies that can be countered easily, Magi are. Does that mean he's OP? No, just that he's marginally better suited to one kind of fight than another.
Originality isn't a bad thing, but it can get daft, either in the way it 'borrows' from other series or gets so far away from the canon that it doesn't make sense anymore. At the end of the day, what's wrong with the basics? The bleak personality is not a bad thing; it means that he is dark, cynical and jaded. This makes for a surprisingly good character for group interaction if played right. If everyone in the group is a positive thinker, it can get stale fast. Some emo is needed to balance the conversation.
If his combat style is really, really that OP sounding, then contemplate this; as he fights, he gets angry. As he gets angrier, he drains more magic and gains more despair. The more despair he gains, the closer he is to death. Ergo, his style of combat is utterly self-destructive. In a bad way. As for the social side of things, reread the CS: he does care, he just hides it well. If he didn't care about others, why would he have left Tokyo after his first fight? The entire rational behind him being a traveling Magi is to avoid the turf wars fought between Magi in the big urban centres, in order to avoid the possibility of killing or being killed by other Magi. Yes, being distrustful would normally be an advantage and it would have served him well elsewhere. But in this RP, Souta would need to get on with the other characters. Not trusting any of them is a serious disadvantage for him.
What else have I missed... Oh yeah. Magi on the BRINK of despair are not dead, just very, very close. Like Souta and this links back to the combat style thing. If he does fight when this close to despair, he will likely blow too much magic and die. Therefore, he will not. Auto-balance, right there. As for interesting, well... that's a matter of opinion. I think his style would look great, but if you disagree then that's your choice. But I wouldn't comment if I found your character to be boring. Different points of view and all that.
Ok.
The only similarity between Sayaka's sabre-like katana and Souta's sabres is that they are swords. There are already multiple characters in this RP with swords; do you have a problem with them too? Take a look at the style of fighting; Sayaka uses her sword like a katana. Short, chopping slashes, jabs and stabs. Souta uses both swords in a form of constant pirouette, moving slowly back and forth as he makes long, sweeping slashes and parrying blows. I apologise if that wasn't obvious enough. This is also how he is better suited to fighting other Magi; Wraiths aren't human sized enemies that can be countered easily, Magi are. Does that mean he's OP? No, just that he's marginally better suited to one kind of fight than another.
Originality isn't a bad thing, but it can get daft, either in the way it 'borrows' from other series or gets so far away from the canon that it doesn't make sense anymore. At the end of the day, what's wrong with the basics? The bleak personality is not a bad thing; it means that he is dark, cynical and jaded. This makes for a surprisingly good character for group interaction if played right. If everyone in the group is a positive thinker, it can get stale fast. Some emo is needed to balance the conversation.
If his combat style is really, really that OP sounding, then contemplate this; as he fights, he gets angry. As he gets angrier, he drains more magic and gains more despair. The more despair he gains, the closer he is to death. Ergo, his style of combat is utterly self-destructive. In a bad way. As for the social side of things, reread the CS: he does care, he just hides it well. If he didn't care about others, why would he have left Tokyo after his first fight? The entire rational behind him being a traveling Magi is to avoid the turf wars fought between Magi in the big urban centres, in order to avoid the possibility of killing or being killed by other Magi. Yes, being distrustful would normally be an advantage and it would have served him well elsewhere. But in this RP, Souta would need to get on with the other characters. Not trusting any of them is a serious disadvantage for him.
What else have I missed... Oh yeah. Magi on the BRINK of despair are not dead, just very, very close. Like Souta and this links back to the combat style thing. If he does fight when this close to despair, he will likely blow too much magic and die. Therefore, he will not. Auto-balance, right there. As for interesting, well... that's a matter of opinion. I think his style would look great, but if you disagree then that's your choice. But I wouldn't comment if I found your character to be boring. Different points of view and all that.
I never said his combat style is OP, stop saying that
No, I don't get what you say. what is wrong with the basics is that they are boring and they have been seen countless of times, which denote laziness. A dark cynical edgy character is nothing new, and while a group composed of positive thinkers (which, if you took a moment to look at the IC, isn't the case here) can get stale a single dark n edgy character is a bore by itself, specially when it is not even well described because of the contradictions (does he really care about others or not? If he is a self matured character then why does he have so much angst?) Nobody likes emos in real life for a reason, one of them being how self centered they are in order to invoke other's sympathy.
He is constantly on the brink of despair
His fighting style makes him drain magic and enter despair astonishingly quickly
However, despite this two facts, he never falls into despair
That must be a huge brink
Saying that the fighting style is self destructive is preposterous because it shows to have no real consequences. You can make a character drink a barrel of arsenic, but if you say that it is not enough to kill it then he was never in a real threat
The "Internal" feelings in storytelling are nonexistent. A character that is said to be one thing but never acts like it might as well not be it. Rogue taurens exist, they just hide really really well. This is why it is important to show, not tell.
I don't understand why you bring tokyo or the turf wars
>Not trusting others is a disadvantage in this rp
No
why?
are you really serious when you say that trusting my character is a good idea?
all the megukas trusted kyubey, look how well they ended
Also, being distrustful is not a mental disability transcendental to the character but a choice that he has made by himself.
So your character never fights?
He is always in the brink of despair, and he will die if he fights in this state you say. I don't see any auto balance
P.D: you are right about the combat, it isn't actually what bothered me
No, I don't get what you say. what is wrong with the basics is that they are boring and they have been seen countless of times, which denote laziness. A dark cynical edgy character is nothing new, and while a group composed of positive thinkers (which, if you took a moment to look at the IC, isn't the case here) can get stale a single dark n edgy character is a bore by itself, specially when it is not even well described because of the contradictions (does he really care about others or not? If he is a self matured character then why does he have so much angst?) Nobody likes emos in real life for a reason, one of them being how self centered they are in order to invoke other's sympathy.
He is constantly on the brink of despair
His fighting style makes him drain magic and enter despair astonishingly quickly
However, despite this two facts, he never falls into despair
That must be a huge brink
Saying that the fighting style is self destructive is preposterous because it shows to have no real consequences. You can make a character drink a barrel of arsenic, but if you say that it is not enough to kill it then he was never in a real threat
The "Internal" feelings in storytelling are nonexistent. A character that is said to be one thing but never acts like it might as well not be it. Rogue taurens exist, they just hide really really well. This is why it is important to show, not tell.
I don't understand why you bring tokyo or the turf wars
>Not trusting others is a disadvantage in this rp
No
why?
are you really serious when you say that trusting my character is a good idea?
all the megukas trusted kyubey, look how well they ended
Also, being distrustful is not a mental disability transcendental to the character but a choice that he has made by himself.
So your character never fights?
He is always in the brink of despair, and he will die if he fights in this state you say. I don't see any auto balance
P.D: you are right about the combat, it isn't actually what bothered me
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