[hider=Damian]It's exactly how a meaningful zombie outbreak death SHOULD go. I think it might have been more compelling to see how it [i]shouldn't[/i] -- there's tragedy but not a lot of irony (I'm using that word wrong, but it's the word that comes to mind). A little more outside-the-box, I guess, is what I'm thinking. The writing is fine (just fine -- could be better). You've focused entirely on the action when a lot of other things are going on -- okay, yes, he's running/limping away from the walking dead, but he's also realizing he's doomed, and that aspect could use a little more screen time.[/hider]

[hider=Santos]Solid There's some awkward word choice sprinkled throughout.... phrases like 'The group he was a member of,' you know, probably just axe that when you proof-read and find another way to say it. And I was bumming a little bit at how much you used the word 'Give' in the fight -- it's a weird fighting word, and it shows up a [b]lot[/b]! But the bigger focus is on how meaningless the effort was, and you nailed that. Bringing up all the failures in his last moments was a nice touch. Would've been simple to just let him realize 'oh crap I'm dead,' but the civilians make it hurt more. We could talk some technique on the fight scene if you want, but that's nitty-gritty and I'll save it for now -- but if you wanna have a conversation let me know, here or in PM, I have general thoughts on your approach.[/hider]

[hider=Benjamin][u]Wow[/u]. Character, plot, emotion, etc. I couldn't even begin to think of how you could do any better there. Terrific piece. [i]I will say though[/i], you've got quite the comma infestation going on. It's the only weak point I can find, so I'll hammer it some more -- the sentence structure comes across as just plain [i]sloppy[/i] when you tie thoughts together that way. Break out. Use periods. MAKE IT SO! And that's my only complaint. Delightfully tragic story.[/hider]

[hider=Tumbleweed]Heh, so, uh, well that was me, and yeah........ bottom-of-the-barrel stuff compared to what I'm reading from everybody else. The take-away here, folks (and me), is that exposition is the lazy man's sport. What I [i]meant[/i] to do was to tell the reader how the most painful part of dying was Anne's betrayal. What I [i]actually did[/i] was cheapen the story beyond saving, by depriving the readers of a chance to get involved. Would the plot be as complex if I actually wrote the lead-in? Probably not -- there's just not enough time or space to get all that on paper. But it would've been [i]better[/i] that way. Narrative trumps exposition [i]every single time,[/i] and I needed this reminder to slap me back on course. I don't think the reviews were mean enough. BUT -- for the kind words about the part where I, you know, [i]actually told a story[/i], thanks, that does keep a light on at the end of the tunnel.[/hider]

[hider=Peter]Damn that was good. Uh..... Yeah. Just spectacular. Part of me wants to complain about the jumpy flashbacks, but he's bleeding to death and you kinda expect some rattled brains. And everything mattered. It's...... well, it's fantastic, and I'm not sure what else I can say. Love how you tightened up the thoughts as the knife fell. Love the oblivion -- that really came through big time. I'm a little confused about the Master, but this wouldn't be your favorite character if there weren't a big story behind him, so I'll take your implicit word that he's a real character. Bravo.[/hider]

[hider=watchman]Climatic ending to (I presume) an intense story. It's well done -- I get the final emotions and the dazed blur is effective at panicking me, too. I'm not [i]crazy[/i] about the prevailing passive voice...... [i]It's not necessarily wrong in this context[/i], because it separates readers from the thing being described (We don't really need to be thinking too hard about the reconstruction having not started). But the one that kills me is the stabbing line -- you're mad, you're mad, that [i]can't[/i] be passive, it just can't. Broughton made a fist around his sword and rammed it in Jack's intestines. That has to [i]happen[/i] -- it can't just [i]be happening.[/i] Especially not in first person. STILL -- as 'bad deaths' go, this is up there. [/hider]

[hider=alex]Now that's an ironically terrible way to die. I got a pretty strong impression of what the RP is about just from this story, and it sounds pretty sweet. Character-wise you captured her from a lot of angles and it's well done -- she's interesting, in the net and in the real world (and on the pavement). Here and there, the writing could be spruced-up -- there's a few places where you drop in a description of gear or MPs or glass, surround it with commas, and leave it for dead in the middle of a sentence. It works -- but it could work better. Those descriptions could be doing more..... How? Beats me, in this context. You know it better than me, and it's your fingers on the keys. Anyway, that was refreshingly understated and tragic. Just the pick-me-up I needed![/hider]

TBC -- I hate being this guy, but I don't have time at this current exact moment to finish the two longer entries. If I don't get to it in..... call it two days. If I don't get to them, someone please yell at me.