[quote=@Holmishire][hider=@mdk]

If I remember correctly, the difference between passive and active voices can be summarized as "The wrench was thrown by the mechanic" and "The mechanic threw the wrench", right?

If so, I can see now upon rereading my entry how that takes away from the action. I did it largely because I was instinctively following the scene through Jack's perspective in the beginning, where it made sense, and I didn't realize the error in continuing it.[/hider]
[/quote]

Exactly. And you're right -- it does make sense at the beginning, and heck, it makes sense for a lot of the rest, too. It's almost never "wrong," and yet, it's typically "not right" either..... But in this story a lot of the passive was justified. Which, honestly, is kind of rare. 

EDIT: Let's add another review!

[hider=Elma]

I um.... well, look. You're doing the important part, namely, writing your butt off. Keep doing that and everything else will follow. The plot is interesting, and the twists are meaningful. The action is exciting. All that to say, your heart's clearly in the right place, and that's worth emphasizing. 

However.

The writing is [i]supremely[/i] confusing. Good news! The doctor prescribes more writing -- that's medicine you can enjoy. It's easier to work on this when you're writing smaller stories -- not the length, so much, you can write books if you want, but the [i]scope[/i]. If writing about a parallel-universe Elma possessing a regular-universe Ayuna fighting in regular-universe against parallel people using Aither/ether/ayther from other universe to bend natural universe laws is confusing (hint: IT IS), then start with a simpler idea and [i]nail it[/i]. This story would've been equally interesting if it was set in Camelot, with wizards and knights and thieves. It also would've been [b]way[/b] easier for a reader to follow. 

On longer pieces -- correct me if I'm wrong, but this seemed like a stream-of-consciousness style of writing -- you start with a character in a location, with a pretty good idea of what's going to happen, and then come up with each specific step as you go along. A lot of really good writers approach it that way -- nothing wrong at all with inventing the details as you go along. [i]If that gets confusing[/i], it's generally a sign that you should try outlining first, to better organize the piece. How much you spell out, and how you do it -- that's up to you. But adding some regimented structure [i]early[/i] in the process can help clean up the finished product. In this story, I might've set aside some room at the beginning to establish the world (maybe Elma talks to the students from the school and they collectively explain the two worlds to the readers, before the action starts). Maybe lay out, okay, she's going to assault this city on her own and I want to spend [i]this many[/i] paragraphs on the infiltration, and [i]this many[/i] in the cell. Frankly [i]I don't know[/i] what your outline should consist of, or what it should look like, or how long you should spend on it -- but it's worth it for you to google some techniques and try them out on your own. Possibly, if you've got one available, talk to an english teacher/professor about different methods of organizing your thoughts over such a long effort (bonus: they'll give you an A for showing interest). 

[@Caughtintheriddle] offered some tips already about sentence structure and tone, and that's why I'm sorta glossing over those aspects. Again, these things are easier to work on (and less traumatic, should you be corrected again) when you're dealing with smaller stories. Gotta learn how to paint a tree before you can paint a forest, and all that. [i]My feeling is[/i], you should try giving yourself one or two pages, and holding yourself to that -- [u]but I don't matter and you should write what you want[/u], can't emphasize that enough. You can get into a situation where you're putting in all this [i]tremendous[/i] effort and people struggle with it, and it becomes discouraging -- and that might bum you out enough to stop loving this art form. I don't like that. I want you to write forever. 

Anyway. Easy A for effort, and conceptually, it's incredible. It's just the technique that needs work.[/hider]