[quote=@mdk] Done! [hider=Adversity] 10/10. I'm not 100% sure you've had enough nice things said about this yet, even though there's a bunch, so let's see..... You [i]crushed[/i] the perspective on this, especially Terra's italicized parts. The story was obviously always going to go a certain way, given the challenge, but it felt amazingly credible anyway -- this isn't just a challenge piece, it's a real story, and a great one. You've got this thing down. And because you're doing so great, I'd like to share some ideas about style choice. These aren't 'corrections' and shouldn't be treated as such -- you don't need those from me. My red pen is on the shelf. This is blue-pen stuff. Let's start with a big-picture idea.... You're splicing in a narrative with a homework assignment in (what feels like) a very cinematic style. The italics sound like voice-over framing device sort of things -- "This is why I'm telling the story, and this is where I am when it's over." That [i]works,[/i] and there's no need to change a thing. You [i]might have considered[/i] telling the whole thing in Terra's perspective -- because Terra's perspective is strong enough to handle it. What I mean is, instead of breaking into third-person narratives, potentially just write the whole story in english-paper format, as she remembers it, as she feels about it, all in [b]her[/b] mind. It would be a very different story if you'd done it that way -- instead of detailing the events, you'd be much more focused on the emotional impact. So the thing to think about is, which do you prefer? The events are tragic and interesting enough to justify the third-person narrative, but the emotional devastation is valuable too. There's plenty of other ways you could've approached it too, like, maybe she's been called in to the teacher's office over her bad paper and they're having a conversation about the assignment -- that would open the door to emphasize the disconnect from other people. Basically what I'm driving at is, you're at a level right now where the structure of your story is a conscious choice that impacts the meaning, and there's lots of ways to take advantage of that. Next a brief thought on sentence structure -- again, nothing wrong with how you're doing it. I mean technically grammatically fragments are taboo, but screw grammar. Fragments are cool, when they're useful. [i]My personal feeling is,[/i] periodically, you probably should've tended towards run-ons instead. I'm really thinking of just one part near the top: I can't say I know much about dancing or women, but dammit, [b]I KNOW PERIODS.[/b] ... That came out wrong. Lemme re-punctuate that real quick: Why have I done that? Simple: we're dancing around the sentence, graceful and fluid, twirling from one image to the next with the flow of a ballerina's dance. This is the part where you can break rules to send your message better, and the message is flowing -- so why not let the sentences flow too? EDIT: One more thing. This one, I'm tempted to reach for the red pen. In the shooting scene, there's a very sudden transition from Kaelyn's to Harris's perspective. I sorta picture this scene through a camera lens, and if I was directing a movie, at that moment there'd be a long, slow camera pan to Harris, to put the viewers into HIS head instead of hers. [i]It doesn't really do that[/i] here...... Not to say you CAN'T do that in writing ever, but like, Idunno. It jumped out at me a little while I was reading and felt out-of-place. Whether that's a problem or not, as well as how/if it needs to be fixed, I mean, your thoughts are as good as mine. But I thought I'd call attention to it anyway. That's it, that's all I got. OH -- I like the way you write dialogue. We don't need any he-said-she-saids in there and you were wise to leave them out. Okay, THAT is all I've got. Great job. EDIT: I lied, I had one more thing, adding it now[/hider] [/quote] Thanks so much! Really appreciate not only the compliments, but the constructive things you've had to say. Honestly, to start off I knew that the death scene was going to happen. Everyone does because that's the nature of the whole first labor. So, I figured to get the best out of it (and as a rule of writing it's the best way to get results) was to create characters that felt real and relatable. Luckily the characters were ones I cared about so that was easy! Somewhat. Hah, I'm glad you said cinematic with regards to Terra's voice on her paper. That's EXACTLY what I was going for. A voice over style. I'm trying to become a screenwriter so I was familiar with the use of voice overs in scripts. And, I wanted to experiment with the prompt for an English class. The explanation is that in RPGC#1 I had the "letter from heaven" (For Blue Skies) entry. In that I was experimenting with that element of story telling and tried to play around with it. This time I wanted to build on it and create a longer, more fleshed out story with it. At the same time, I didn't want it to be solely focused with Terra's re-telling of events the entire way through. I feared that could become too… tell rather than show. But I was interested in possibly writing it that way because hey, if it's a prompt then she's going to be telling and it can be forgiven as long as I put in some images that the readers can visualize for themselves. So, I opted for what I did because Kaelyn's character is far too much fun to write when she's interacting with other people. I definitely agree with the other options you've put out (and they're really good ones I might add). I think it could have been better if it was focused on Terra's perspective being called into the office as you suggested, or doing it from Kaelyn's perspective and sticking with it from that line and following through. I simply stuck with what I chose because mainly I wanted to experiment with my writing. Lol… Periods. Nice. Good catch though, your re-structuring of that part is better. Thanks for the input. I LOVE the sentence frag, so you'll probably find it in a lot of the stories I write. Ah, the Harris perspective shift. That's definitely one of the spots in the death scene I felt could have been smoother. Perhaps a description of Kaelyn watching the events might have been a place to start. I'll have to look it over and think of different ways to attack that part. Thanks for your thoughts, they were very helpful!