[quote=@Eviledd1984][hider=character][color=0072bc][b]ED'S CHARACTER OF SHIT.[/b][/color] [img]http://i430.photobucket.com/albums/qq23/Korat_16/Kanda/largeAnimePaperscans_D-GrayMan_t-yu.jpg[/img] [center][b]Maguro looks much like his father with his strong jaw and sharp almost bird like eyes that could pierce your soul,But he has his most of his mother’s features being his high cheekbones,jet black hair and even with the piercing eyes their is something gentle and kind about them.His hands are much like his mother even though he is a blacksmith his hands are gentle looking as well as the rest of his face. He wears a blue kimono with red sort of tint and a obi around his waist keeping the kimono in place,He wears light brown sandals and a bandana with his headband wrapped around his bandana. [/b] [/center] [color=red][i]Besides the grammar mistakes this isn't too shabby. I think you tried very hard to make him handsome, however, when a simple 'he's seen as a handsome man' would've sufficed, but that's besides the point.[/i][/color] [u][b]Personnel files.[/b][/u] [i]Access only by security personnel with a C3 clearance.[/i] [indent]【[U]Full Name[/U]】 [I] Maguro Ogawa [/I] 【[U]Alias[/U]】 [i]Habagat [/i] [color=red][i]Not really that important but it's generally a good idea to include the meaning. This doesn't tell me anything about the nickname, just that it's Habagat. IDK what a Habagat is.[/i][/color] 【[U]Age[/U]】 [i]16[/i] 【[U]Sex[/U]】 [i]Male[/i] 【[U]Sexuality[/U]】 [i]Heterosexual [/i] 【[U]Birthplace[/U]】 [i]Kusagakure [/i] 【[U]Bloodline[/U]】 [i]N/A[/i] 【[U]Rank[/U]】 [i]Chūnin[/i][/indent] [u][b]Psych. report.[/b][/u] [i]Medical secrecy applies.[/i] [indent]【[U]Personality[/U]】 [i]Maguro has a wild sort of personality always looking for a fight to test his skills in battle,With his wild personality he is arrogant and but not full of himself even going as far in battle to taunt his foe either to anger them.During a battle he plays it cool cracking jokes and on the occasion making bad puns and when battling a foe he enjoys the moment of battle getting some sort of satisfaction out of being hurt or slashed by a blade. [color=red][i]Sounds like a badass. And not in a good way. He sounds like the kind of character that I don't like to read about, the kind of guy who you can punch in the face 1000x and he doesn't feel hurt, he just laughs. That's cliché and kinda Gary Stu-ish. Not good.[/i][/color] He also has a dark sense of humor finding humor in death and the misery of other[b]s,H[/b]e would often joke about the misfortune of other[b]s.M[/b]aguro is a nihilist only wanting to die in a [b]glories[/b] scene of battle and or dying fighting [b]a[/b] enemy he deems worth[b]y,M[/b]aguro is also blood thirsty gaining [b]adenine[/b] form fighting someone. [color=red][i]I'll ignore the spelling and grammar mistakes, and just bolden them for you so you can see. I'll not do that in the next few paragraphs because it'd be pretty useless. Again, like above, you're trying to make him seem very badass. I can tell you now that he'd get his ass kicked by 95% of the cast in the RP currently simply because he's a new addition and thus isn't very strong compared to some of the others. Also, we're not going for a full blown 'combat every 2 posts' approach, we also do a bit of slice of life, or deeper plots. This doesn't mix very well with that. Moving on to the more [b]obvious[/b] problem, why the hell would Konoha employ someone like this? Shinobi are supposed to be level headed, calm individuals who can make good decisions in a split second. There are those in the cast that struggle with it and they make it work, but the catch there is because even they have a sense of measurement, a sense of where it becomes insane to think like this. Your character lacks that.[/i][/color] Maguro after being apart of K.C.F he now wants to be redeemed doing whatever he can to be praised by his peers,But he still keeps a veil of his pain by cracking jokes[/i] [color=red][i]So you want both the badassery in combat, but also he needs to be a friendly guy that cracks joke. To hide his pain, because he needs 'deep emotionality' to cover that. I do like that he wants to be praised by his peers, that's new for me in the RP.[/i][/color] 【[U]History[/U]】 [i]Maguro lived a bizarre sort of life with his father a swordsmith named Jubei,His mother died during childbirth leaving him to be raised by his father to be a swordsmith instead of a ninja and also to learn the way of the sword.This however did not deter Maguro to be a ninja in fact It only caused him to be a ninja even more so,During his childhood he studied working hard to be a ninja working hard enough to gain the rank of Chunin. [color=red][i]If he was trained to be a swordsmith how did he get the time to train to be a shinobi? Did he train himself? If so how did he become a 'good shinobi' since self-training a special way of life is kind of hard?[/i][/color] During his time as a Chunin he was recruited by a black op group called K.C.F [color=red][i]KFC[/i][/color] as a child soilder [color=red][i]Why?[/i][/color] this was when he was around eleven to thirteen years old,During his time with the K.C.F he went on many missions with his partner a young girl named Kima.On one particular mission became a disaster when the two were compromised leading to the death of Kima and Maguro murdering more then ten Konohagakure ninjas in the process. [color=red][i]Sounds like what happened with Kakashi and Rin. Also, I don't know what K.C.F or K.F.C. is so I need an explanation. You could've detailed this MUCH MUCH more and I might've liked it, currently you just left me wondering 'wtf is KCF and why is it important?' Especially since I am a GM, I am in control of this world I created, and as a GM and person I am not incredibly fond of adding random factions that have 'importance' only because someone wants them to. It makes no sense for them to have importance, for me. It just sounds like a way for you to create bad assery for your character, rather than enforce it ICly. Just my 2 cents.[/i][/color] Because of his failure he was given punishment by torture and left K.C.F after being in the K.C.F jail for three months.Maguro left and now travels to Konohagkure to be the ninja his teacher wanted him to be.[/i] [color=red][i]KCF jail? So they're some sort of super agency? I don't get it. Again, you'd really need to explain this. Also, what teacher? You never specified how he trained himself, did he have a teacher? I thought he had a teacher that was his dad, teaching him swordsmithing? Consistency is key, and you're not consistent currently.[/i][/color] [color=red][i]Also compare your history to those of other characters or mine specifically. You'll see an inconsistency namely in the length. This section is very important for me as a GM because it tells me not only if you can keep up with the posts we write, but also if you are able to supply the same level of quality as us. So it really needs to be longer. [b]The same goes for your personality. It needs more length.[/b][/i][/color] 【[U]Family ties[/U]】 [i]With his father he was taught how to use a blade and was taught how to fend for himself,He learned nothing form his mother all that was left for him was poem.[/i] [color=red][i]These aren't family ties. Does he like his father, how is the bond between them? Stuff like that. Also, what poem? This should be in the history, not here.[/i][/color] [b]Jubei Ogawa I Father | Alive at the age of 54 Yui Mamiya | Mother | Passed away at the age of 37[/b] 【[U]Dreams and fears[/U]】 [i] Muguro’s dream is to be see in a positive light by people and respected by his peers,He dears being hated by his peers and left alone in depression and sorrow.[/i][/indent] [color=red][i]So he doesn't want to be like Naruto, OKOK. I like his dream, I don't like his fear. Also, it's really short.[/i][/color] [u][b]Combat reports.[/b][/u] [i]Gathered from evaluation reports after missions.[/i] [indent]【[U]Fighting style[/U]】 [i]Maguro’s style is quick and speedy always thinking of ways to beat his foe [color=red][i]If I am fighting I am not thinking of a way to beat my foe? Ofcourse I am. I think everyone is. Kinda a moot point, but w/e.[/i][/color] ,He is quick thinking and looking for the enemies’ weakness.While fighting with someone Maguro is prone to taunting the person he is fighting to try to make them angry and lose their cool and to lower their defences. [color=red][i]ok[/i][/color] He will use his jutsu’s carefully and will use them to help in the tide of battle.[/i] [color=red][i]I never use my jutsu's carefully, I just spray them all over the place and hope it hits. Also, I don't use them to help in the tide of battle, I just use them for show and to make fireworks, never to combat someone.[/i][/color] 【[U]Ninja techniques[/U]】 [u]C rank techniques:[/u] [i][ C rank techniques: Wind Release: Gale Palm [color=red][i]ok[/i][/color] Wind Release: Great Breakthrough [color=red][i]ok[/i][/color] Earth Release: Hiding Like a Mole Technique [color=red][i]ok[/i][/color] Earth Release: Subterranean Voyage[/i] [color=red][i]this kinda defeats the purpose of hiding like a mole, but ok[/i][/color] [u]D-E rank techniques:[/u] [i] Earth Release: Double Suicide Decapitation Technique [/i] [color=red][i]sure[/i][/color] 【[U]Weaponry, tools and objects.[/U]】 [i]Sword.[/i] [i]Katana made my his great grandfather that was passed down by his own father to him .[/i][/indent] [color=red][i]So just to be sure, this sword is just a simple katana that has no special properties, and it can be broken by a simple kunai? You're missing details here, like, [b]a lot.[/b] I want to know how strong it is, what can it do, can it do anything at all? Etc. currently the blade can be broken by someone tapping it with his finger. Please edit.[/i][/color][/hider][/quote] I'll review it for you, my comments will be in the quote in red. I'm sorry if it's harsh but I treat everyone like this and it's the only way I can guarantee some form of decent quality to the members of this RP.