Doesn't matter, we're changing the team leader and renaming the entire thing to:
Lambrusco - a type of red wine
The currently occupied letters are,
L, B, and R
feel free to match any of the other letters.

Excuse me? Ember Celica are one of the EASIEST weapons for me to map out, if you recall I used the basic concept for one of my characters weapons.

I meant the part where a bracelet gains 15 times its size and 3 times it’s length in order to turn into an ARMED gauntlet.

That was easier for me to figure than CR was, actually.

Reservist reporting in o7


How does it look?

Give us a few to go over it thoroughly and we'll let you know

@Forsythe

Okay, from the top. This is a combined review of both myself and Phantom.

Name is slightly obscure in how it follows CNR, but that can be excused due to it being assumed. Please, when you decide her actual name, tie it into her appearance somehow (as that is what children are named for at birth after all), and explained how it follows CNR.
The main problems we have with it, is following CNR it means ‘River Ashen’ or River of Ashes. Not following CNR it means ‘Escape Ashen’, or Escape the Ashes. Very...dark.

She has a few too many faunus traits for a half-faunus. A fullblooded snake faunus, it would be understandable to have them, though really faunus are shown to only have one obvious and one not-so obvious traits (cat ears and night vision, for example), but a half-blood would likely have either one obvious trait OR one not-so obvious trait since the genes are likely recessive.
Also, being cold blooded is actually a pretty terrible thing for someone who wants to be active. If she ever gets sent somewhere snowy, she’s likely to die.
My suggestion: Pick one obvious trait. If you go with the fangs, make her venom mild, not extremely deadly.
For the sake of the RP and logistics, please make all reptilian Faunus warm blooded.

For her weight - she is very underweight by BMI calculations. Keep in mind that muscles weigh more than fat, so even if she is thin, she’d still have a healthy weight because she is fit. Add in her cold blood, it’s likely that she would catch hypothermia from a light breeze or light rain, simply due to the lack of anything to keep warmth in. Her outfit helps a little, since it is pretty covering, but being made of light materials it won’t help much. She’d likely die of pneumonia if she ever had to go somewhere cold, and would be extremely lethargic naturally.

Her background needs a lot of expanding, as it is too vague right now. The RP is set a year ahead of RWBY volume 1, which means the White Fang had a regime change 6 years ago, when she was 11. That means that anyone part of the White Fang before then would not be arrested as they were simply peaceful protestors. And a Faunus who is married to a human is unlikely to have stayed in a group that started targeting humans violently, which means her father would have left before he could have ever done anything that would get him arrested.
She can still dislike the White Fang, as she is a being of both worlds and therefore is likely to have faced discrimination from both worlds - the White Fang for promoting views against her human side, and the humans for disliking her faunus side. Think of it like the ‘half-cast’ children of dark-skinned and light-skinned parents in the early parts of the 1900s. She would face discrimination similar, though the discrimination from the Faunus side would probably only start up when the White Fang regime changed, and she would be old enough to understand that they were at the root of that particular change.

Of course, changing that would mean her family name has not been sent into a sinkhole, which negates the need for a name change. However, if her father became a criminal after leaving the White Fang, she could have a dual dislike of the underworld and the White Fang, and a wish to disassociate herself with her name, as her father would be a known criminal.

The weapon model is awesome. I just wanted to say that. And, because it has electronic parts, I have to ask. Are there any computer functions in the weapon? Pure curiosity, it has no bearing on the character herself.
That being said, it is very basic. It’s a good basic, starter weapon for a fighter or a kid just entering combat school, though perhaps not exactly the best kind for a Hunter, whose main focus of fighting is against Grimm. Large scale upgrades are recommended, especially since it’s not even up to the standards a Beacon first year student would have.

Her semblance doesn’t fit her personality that well, as when her aura was unlocked she would have been brimming with anger, which would influence her semblance. Though she may have been the type to blend into the background as a child, the change in her life is still momentous and therefore would affect what her semblance would be. Using this logic, she would have something that allows her to strike quickly and aggressively over something that allows her to sneak around.
It’s a decent semblance (if a bit bland) , but doesn’t mesh well with her personality that well at the moment.

Now for notes stuff:
Why does she need to clear her name? Did she do something bad? I would have thought it was more of a want to disassociate herself from the name than a need to clear it, due to the negative stuff tied to the name.
How is she going to go on in this team based roleplay? We have tried to specify that though strong and independent characters are welcome, we do still want team players, or at least characters that won’t automatically shut out the rest of their team. The way you have worded her personality, and the note, it sounds like she is the type to completely shut out her team. Perhaps a rewording here would be better.

Okay. Now; TL;DR

-Name is obscure, real name should tie in her appearance somehow, please specify how it ties to CNR.
-Too many faunus traits for a half-faunus (assuming faunus traits are recessive), please pick one. Also, no cold blooded Faunus(as core biology is mammalian).
-She is seriously underweight, please make her heavier.
-Background needs more detail. White Fang turned violent 6 years ago when she was 11, a Faunus married to a human wouldn’t stick around the White Fang after the regime changed. Dislike of name could come from father becoming a criminal and being arrested, dislike of White Fang could be for them promoting the discrimination against her for having a human mother.
-Weapon is decent (props to the full model) but too basic for a first year Hunter, as it would be mostly ineffective against Grimm, the Hunter’s main enemy. Upgrades are recommended.
-Semblance doesn’t fit her personality very well, and is slightly bland.
-Clarify why she needs to clear her name rather than simply wanting to disassociate with it.
-Clarify how she’s going to be a team player, as her personality makes it sound like she really isn’t at all.

Good start for a character, just some of the themes and details need tying together a bit better, and some fundamental flaws need reworking.

@Forsythe My analysis is in there too, i just had her write it down and post because she has a little thing called "tact"

- The name is actually a nod towards the Faunus species. IIRC the way it was mentioned in the show, not everyone got a color for a name, but I'd make the assumed a colorful one, just not sure what letters are open ATM, it was 3 AM when I was posting the sheet and I was facedesking, I'll look at who's missing xD However given Monty himself broke that rule on at least two occasions (Ozpin and Ironwood), the rule has quite a little value if you ask me.

As for the clearing, it is more like she wants to clear the family of the shame rather than just herself. She doesn't want to stop using that name, but has (maybe ungrounded, but that's how minds can work sometime) idea that it would bring more ridicule/bullying on her, and it's a little pride thing as well.

- Fair point. I was intending tho have the cold bloodedness a humorous element, but it may be more trouble than it's worth.

- I blame being tired for not even thinking of making the weight in proportion to my own xD

- Background will be reworked, too many little things don't add up.

- I take your weapon argument and point you at Jaune. The hi-tech element is not a requirement. As for computerized bits, I don't think there are any needed, it's for all intents and purposes a historical weapon. Buuuut I might give her something along the lines of a targeting computer like the modern snipers have, to account for wind speeds, calculate indirect fire and stuff.

- As with background, semblance is being reworked

- It's most likely the team would be the small group of friends the profile mentions, if only be exposure. Living with 4 people in one room, you'll get to know them... at times more than you would like But I'll see if that personality trait even sticks when I'm done with the edits.

Thx for the tips.

-Huh. Was not aware of that, but thank you for clarifying. In case you were wondering, the CNR compliant version of Naja is Ancient Greeks, meaning river or water nymph.
As for the name thing - technically they all do. Some are puns (Cyril Ian, sounding like cerulean), most are first names, and some are last names (Lisa Lavender, James Ironwood, who's last name puts you in mind of a type of wood). So technically though the first name doesn't fit CNR, Ironwood still follows it through his last name.
The name is LamBRusco. The capitalised letters are the only ones taken, so take your pick from the remainder. As we now have confirmation of a canon team having a vowel in the anagram, Naja Ashei does fit.

And thanks for clearing that bit about the name up. The way it was worked sounded like her name had some criminal activity attached to it, but if it's just wanting to wash away the shame it makes more sense. Though in that case, wouldn't it make more sense for her to use her own name? That way people would hear of the deeds of her real name and start to associate it with good things, instead of hearing these great deed for Naja Ashei and then having it revealed that 'Oh no, her name is actually this.' That has a potential to backfire on her, as then people are curious as to why she didn't use her real name in the first place.

-Hey, don't look at me. I quite liked the weapon, and the model is really awesome. That's all Phantom. Though I will say, the computerised bit was literally just me being curious, it had no bearing on the weapon itself. I only asked because you mentioned it was electronic, which made me wonder just how high tech it was.

Let us know when you update her :)

Oh, I originally was working with the name Opal Dawn, so since O is up for grabs I guess that is up again. Will do boss man, should be finished later today.

@Forsythe Jaune is a special case, his weapons has specifically been stated to not be the best choice with modern equipment available, and the ONLY reason he doesn't use a more advanced weapon is because he "borrowed" it and entered Beacon without attending a combat school (where he would be required to forge his own weapon).

In addition, Crossbows have ALWAYS had one major weakness, that being rate of fire. See, even with a gravity fed magazine (which is extremely small I might add) it still takes some time to draw, aim, and fire a crossbow. Even a traditional bow has a higher rate of fire than a crossbow, and you can carry more ammunition for it(a four round box magazine for a crossbow takes up the same amount of space as 8-10 individual bolts).

A sword, on the other hand, follows an interesting rule when carried into combat, "Blades don't need reloading" which is the exact opposite of your crossbow.

I have nothing against simple weapons, my own main character favors throwing knives(only viable because they are loaded with dust and are used with his semblance), it is a matter of you having made a poor choice for a huntress in training. Having long reload time on a crossbow means you cannot use it at close range. The bayonet/combat knife would actually make it LESS effective since you are having to maneuver the arms of the crossbow for anything more than stabbing,\. Even removing the knife you have to drop your crossbow and risk breaking it, or take the time to store it, and then all you have is a dinky little knife on a character who is not specialized into melee combat.

Keep in mind, this is a show where most characters use weaponized rule of cool, powered by copious amounts of phlebotinum. Your weapon, on the other hand, is plain and outdated even in our modern world with technology basttly inferior to Remnants. I'm not sure I've ever said this before, but you need MORE RoC to make this thing work.

I can tell a lot about a character from their weapon, and this thing says "suicidally underprepared' no matter how I look at it.

I've addressed a lot of those issues while making the adjustments, most of what you hinted has already been fixed (I think).

a combat school (where he would be required to forge his own weapon) <- That's only required at Signal specifically, unless you show me evidence that says otherwise =D

it still takes some time to draw, aim, and fire <- Hence why it's drawn with a motor. I'm reasonably certain she can fire it faster than a bowman, at the very least the bursts of 5. And while the ammo may not be as compact as far as thickness goes, it is significantly shorter and thus much easier to carry and manipulate. Sure, it's no Coco's suitcase GAU-8, but I can make it work, and if I can't well, that's my [character's] problem, ain' it?

Anyhow, here's the updated thing. If the weapon were to be such a neck ache I'll see how I can rework it, but I'd like to avoid that if possible.

This is very specifically an AU so I can fill in gaps of information as needed. If I say the weapon forging requirement is all combat schools, it means I took Signal having it and stretched it to all other combat schools as well.

I need to wait for Spirit to go over the current version, however I'm seeing both good and bad in it.
I need to ask one very important question. Is this character modeled after yourself in any way?

Nope, I am in business of not doing self inserts in any form xD To be honest I am not quite happy with it myself, but I have hard time pointing a finger at why. The premise I set up to go with was "a commoner pressured to be great", but it's just missing something. I do want to play a bit under powered character playing catch up though.

Had to ask because of a comment you made about weight being n proportion to you own, made me wonder.
Don't worry about having your character be great. This isn't teams RWBY and JNPR fighting the white fang to prevent the kingdom from being destroyed, at worst you might fight a small group of over-trained street thugs, so go for average(by hunter standards)

If you're not happy with the character, scrap it. and don't worry about building a full 3d model of the weapon, my brain tends to automatically build models of any weapon descrptions I read (which is gong to be insanely useful when I start animation classes here in a few months)

that's some radical definition of not happy, i was talking pet peeves and you make it sound like major psychotic hatred xD I need to refurbish how i integrate the semblance into the background, tie it beter together, the rest is pretty much as I want so it'd be helpful if you gave me a list of the bad things. and any other rules that are not included in the OP such as having to forge your own weapon xD

@Forsythe
After taking a look and talking it over with the co-GM’s, we agreed that what’s posted right now just isn’t up to my standards, and is not a good fit for this roleplay.

As far as backstory goes, the new version is a sizable downgrade compared to the first draft, and that one had plenty of its own problems. The first requires some suspension of disbelief, as the father needed to join the WF AFTER they turned violent, while somehow being duped as easily as the teens and young adults showned in volume 2, and that's ignoring the plot hole that a dad with a human family he lived with for years, joined an organization bent on wiping out humanity.

The new one, to put it simply, does not befit the kind of character we want for this roleplay. As is said in the first post, characters in this RP are NOT the main characters of this world; they are primarily reactionary/non-influential to the main plot. You not only made her have famous (are at the very least well known) parents, but you also made her a prodigy, the kind of character a story would revolve around, not support(whilst claiming you want her to be behind the others and struggling to ctach up. also a trait common in main characters).

Outside of that, the weapon is lacking in the power level department. I know some characters in the show have gotten away with some pretty mundane weapons, but they have pretty specific reasons or that. If a weapon can’t have more than one form, i’d prefer it to have raw power to compensate. Yours has about 5 shots that deal maybe as much damage as Pyrrha's rifle, while having a shorter range and being hard to carry; So basically it needs more oomph. More oomph can mean more shapes or more power, but at least one of them would be nice to add going to a true magazine or some kind of auto-loader would work quite well.

TL;DR Backstory needs to be dialed down, and dose the weapon with Rule of Cool.
If you haven't been completely driven off by this second denial, feel free to give it another shot, but after that we'll give someone else a chance to join.

I just got on, so I haven't seen the new version. I'll see if I can narrow down some of the problems a bit.

Mmkay. Spirits review. I’ll take it from the top again.

I have no clue how Phantom missed this before, but due to plot reasons, can you change her aura colour from black? A birthstone (also known as Brazilian Opal) opal is white with many different colours inside, whilst here in Australia, we have medium blue opals with many different colours inside. I suggest one of those. If those colours aren’t to your liking though, this picture might help.

In response to what Phantom wrote about her backstory, may I make a suggestion? Rather than having her parents be a renowned martial artist and a famous sports star, make the martial artist a teacher at, or owner of, a martials arts school. This would allow them to still be very good at martial arts, teach her to follow in their footsteps, and people who went to the school would know them, but they wouldn’t be famous.
The same could be applied to the sports star. There are plenty of smaller league sports that, though the players may be known in their community, as a whole they aren’t famous at all. Vale is a large city, (I have seen calculations that, assuming Remnant has the same mass as Earth, put Vale as a megalopolis the size of the entire country Egypt. I personally am of the belief that it’s about the size of Sydney, which is still very large, but the math is there) so I’m sure there are going to be civilian sport centres strung all across it that never make it to national television, but the teams still get known around the areas they are in.
Her parents could just be the type to put high expectations on the child - perhaps they wanted her to go worldwide instead, and follow their footsteps but be better.
For her personality, it is a bit odd to have a submissive person who is extremely driven. But, if you believe you can play her well, then there is no problem.

Mmkay, the weapon, which Phantom has serious issues with. I have spoken to him, and pointed out the merit of changing the rule from ‘every student must make their own weapon from scratch at combat school’ to ‘students are allowed to upgrade a pre existing weapon, but it yields lower marks than students who make a weapon from scratch’. He has agreed to this, which means you can keep Blitzkrieg! As...long as you do some upgrades.
Here’s the downlow. As it is now, it is probably a good weapon for a student who has just entered combat school. We however would like for you to make some upgrades that make it a little more efficient for a Hunter, and these are the suggestions we have come up with.

- Instead of a gravity fed box clip, computerise it slightly to make it autoload the next bolt as soon as the previous bolt leaves the weapon. This would reduce loading time, and allow her to use to crossbow as a semi-automatic simply by holding down the trigger.
- Make the box clip either more compact, or holding six-eight bolts in each, which would increase her effective firing rate.
- Can you clarify if the arms of the crossbow fold away for storage? Phantom seems to think it doesn’t, but I’m sure the model clearly shows that they do.
- Make the bayonet collapsible or retractable, possibly even a variant length bayonet, that when the crossbow handle is folded away can be used as a sword/cleaver, which would give her more options for close combat.
- New question: Is the crossbow a string-based firing function, or launcher-based? If string based, she’ll have to do regular maintenance checks to make sure the locking mechanism for the forward position of the arms don’t fail at an inopportune moment. If launcher based, the arms aren’t necessary at all and can be removed if you wanted, streamlining the weapon and allowing her to use the bayonet in melee combat easier. Up to you, was just wondering.

Semblance is much better in fitting with the character this time.

Random question time: Is there a particular reason for her to be a ninja-styled character, in what she wears and her symbol? Or was that just the aesthetics you chose? It has no bearing on the character, I was just curious.

@fer1323@Kaithas
Was either of you still looking to submit a character? because nobody has been accepted to fill the spot yet.