She was stunned into silence. She had no idea what to say to him. He was watching her so patiently, so nervously. She'd never seen him act this way, and she desperately wanted to tell him that yes, she did love him. But she just... she couldn't say it. She cared more for him than she'd ever cared for any other man. And in her own way, she did love him. She was still his minion, but she knew they were friends. More than friends, they were hesitantly courting each other.

But when fully aware of her own thoughts and actions, she knew she would never be able to say the words out loud. Not unless her brothers were dead. They hung over her like two black storm-clouds, full to bursting and ready to drench her in despair. She could never really love any man until they died by her hands. But she couldn't hurt Aulfr by telling him that! He was watching her so closely, his expression unguarded and almost happy, and she wanted to say it. Just those three words.

For once, she let Aulfr see the conflicted emotions on her face. Sadness, shame, frustration. She couldn't say it. She did hate herself for what she'd said while drugged. But only because it made Aulfr hope. Hope that he could be with someone, but she was just broken. No one deserved to be stuck with her.

She reached up and wrapped his arms around him, ignoring the pain as she held him close. She didn't kiss him. She merely ran her fingers through his hair and murmured into his ear the only words of consolation she could offer. "[i]Ti si moĭ. Iskam da bŭda tvoya. No vse oshte ne,[/i]" she said softly in her own language. Noxan was too thick for such words. Hopefully he would understand them, and realize that she wasn't simply turning him away. She was trying to promise him a future. She was simply too damaged for that at the moment.