Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by FacePunch
Raw
Avatar of FacePunch

FacePunch Death Comes

Member Seen 4 yrs ago

You didn't think it was disjointed, choppy and had poor flow?

Because it reads like a massacre.

P.S. I'm not trolling for complements. I really want good constructive feedback.


It flows better than my last post, so I'm probably not the person to be asking.
1x Laugh Laugh
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Blue Demon
Raw
Avatar of Blue Demon

Blue Demon

Member Seen 1 yr ago

<Snipped quote by Blue Demon>

Only thing I should note is that the Suicide Squad were dropped inside the research facility whereas the All-Stars are dropped a few kilometers out.


Righty-o. I changed it. A simple fix.

EDIT:
@FacePunchWell, thanks anyways. ;P
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Lord Wraith
Raw
GM
Avatar of Lord Wraith

Lord Wraith Actually Three Otters in a Trenchcoat

Member Seen 4 hrs ago

@Wade Wilson For future reference please keep all OOC comments out of the IC. If you need to comment on your post, we have an OOC thread where you can do just that ;)
1x Like Like
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by King Kindred
Raw
Avatar of King Kindred

King Kindred

Member Seen 23 min ago

<Snipped quote by FacePunch>

I didn't want to post it if no one was going to comment. :D



I'm actually going to have Kieran suggest an alteration to the plan that involves Kyle.
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Blue Demon
Raw
Avatar of Blue Demon

Blue Demon

Member Seen 1 yr ago

<Snipped quote by Blue Demon>

I'm actually going to have Kieran suggest an alteration to the plan that involves Kyle.


A.K.A. Hold off on Kyle. Don't feed the poor baby to the wolves. XD Okay then. I'll go back to waiting.

EDIT: If anyone still wants to give their two cents, I'm all ears. :)
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by GreenGrenade
Raw
Avatar of GreenGrenade

GreenGrenade

Member Seen 0-24 hrs ago

EDIT: If anyone still wants to give their two cents, I'm all ears. :)


It reads well, in my opinion. I reckon it's good to post.

EDIT: Forgot to add a smiley face. :)
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Blue Demon
Raw
Avatar of Blue Demon

Blue Demon

Member Seen 1 yr ago

<Snipped quote by Blue Demon>

It reads well, in my opinion. I reckon it's good to post.


You are all making me frustrated. Seriously. Only Wraith was helpful. And his was a technical error.

*Walks off pouting*
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Tyler
Raw
Avatar of Tyler

Tyler Me. I Am Tyler... / The Elusive Auteur

Member Seen 4 yrs ago

<Snipped quote by GreenGrenade>

You are all making me frustrated. Seriously. Only Wraith was helpful. And his was a technical error.

*Walks off pouting*


For what it's worth, I felt it could have gone further. There's not much holding Kyle back at this point, so it would be nice to have followed him out to the bomb units and seen things from his perspective. He doesn't exactly seem 'up for it', so it would be interesting to explore that nervousness in a more hands-on manner.
1x Thank Thank
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by GreenGrenade
Raw
Avatar of GreenGrenade

GreenGrenade

Member Seen 0-24 hrs ago

<Snipped quote by GreenGrenade>

You are all making me frustrated. Seriously. Only Wraith was helpful. And his was a technical error.

*Walks off pouting*


Well, I'm so--rry that you aren't a terrible writer. Just, like, post it. We'll all flood it with likes and make you feel better. Right guys?

EDIT: What Tyler said.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Blue Demon
Raw
Avatar of Blue Demon

Blue Demon

Member Seen 1 yr ago

<Snipped quote by Blue Demon>

Well, I'm so-rry that you aren't a terrible writer. Just, like, post it. We'll all flood it with likes and make you feel better. Right guys?


Actually, that will have the opposite effect. Please don't. Please and thank you for not.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by GreenGrenade
Raw
Avatar of GreenGrenade

GreenGrenade

Member Seen 0-24 hrs ago

<Snipped quote by GreenGrenade>

Actually, that will have the opposite effect. Please don't. Please and thank you for not.


It... that... I edited it. I suck at jokes.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Blue Demon
Raw
Avatar of Blue Demon

Blue Demon

Member Seen 1 yr ago

<Snipped quote by Blue Demon>

It... that... I edited it. I suck at jokes.


Well, if it was a joke, then okay.

Sorry I kind of jumped on you.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by GreenGrenade
Raw
Avatar of GreenGrenade

GreenGrenade

Member Seen 0-24 hrs ago

<Snipped quote by GreenGrenade>

Well, if it was a joke, then okay.

Sorry I kind of jumped on you.


All good, it was a misunderstanding, and all that. Let's not dwell on it.

Anyways, what @Tyler said is probably what I would have if I put more thought into it :P. So if that's the sort of feedback you were looking for, that's what I would offer up, too.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Blue Demon
Raw
Avatar of Blue Demon

Blue Demon

Member Seen 1 yr ago

Anyways, what @Tyler said is probably what I would have if I put more thought into it :P. So if that's the sort of feedback you were looking for, that's what I would offer up, too.


I was looking for more how to clean up and improve what I had already written mainly. But @Tyler did make a good point on where to go next.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by FacePunch
Raw
Avatar of FacePunch

FacePunch Death Comes

Member Seen 4 yrs ago

@Blue Demon If you were feeling brave, you could have Kyle disobey his orders and follow Julian to the hard drives. Or even run off and hide. He seems pretty terrified; it would make sense for him to do something rash.
2x Like Like 1x Thank Thank
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Blue Demon
Raw
Avatar of Blue Demon

Blue Demon

Member Seen 1 yr ago

@FacePunchI'd do that in a heartbeat. Mailsi would do the same.

Kyle on the other hand... wont. After the whole incident earlier in the day, he's not feeling very confident in himself. If someone told him to crawl into a hole and die, he just might try. Plus, It's his first session and he has no idea what's allowed and what's not. He doesn't realize he can defy orders.

Still, thanks for the thoughts. :D

EDIT:
And I've been online all day today. I need to go find my life before it's gone. I look forward to seeing all the new posts tomorrow!

EDIT #2:
But before I go, I leave you with this:
4x Laugh Laugh
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by King Kindred
Raw
Avatar of King Kindred

King Kindred

Member Seen 23 min ago

Woo. Finally got my post through.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Mixtape Ghost N
Raw
Avatar of Mixtape Ghost N

Mixtape Ghost N SOMETIMES EVЕN RICH NIGGAS GET LOST

Member Seen 0-24 hrs ago

I'll be posting again tomorrow. There are other RPs I must tend to.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by G3njii
Raw
Avatar of G3njii

G3njii

Member Seen 3 mos ago

Hello again my friends
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by FacePunch
Raw
Avatar of FacePunch

FacePunch Death Comes

Member Seen 4 yrs ago

Hello again my friends


Hey! It's that one guy! I remember you, guy. Hello.
1x Like Like
↑ Top
© 2007-2024
BBCode Cheatsheet