Slowly he forced his gaze to rest on her as she spoke, listening to her words calmly in silence. As he did, he studied her expressions, her pain, her self-loathing, her frustration. He watched it all like it was his first time seeing such painful, yet beautiful faces. He envied that ability. The way both Frisk and the rest of the monsters here could so easily and willingly change their face to match their emotions. Even Papyrus was oddly expressive for a skeleton, but him? Sans had a permanent smile glued to his maw. It could turn down at the corners just a hair, and if he really tried, he he could curve those corners into a straight line, but at the end of the day, no matter how he changed it, he was always smiling.

He let out another humorless chuckle, leaning back against the couch,"I did hate you... For the longest time, I hated you so much that I could hardly stand it. And every time I killed you, I'd hoped that just that one time, just for once, you'd stay dead. But you never did."

He closed his eyes, going back to that time, all of his emotions, all of his frustration, panic, and pain.

Sans had never been religious, but he'd be damned if he said he didn't pray for Frisk to die, for her to just disappear and leave him alone, to leave Papyrus alone.

"I prayed, I wished, I hoped to whatever twisted God watching us that you would disappear. Or at least leave them alone and just come for me. I would have let you kill me as many times as you wanted if you had," he muttered, fists clenching into his baggy shorts and face scrunching a bit before both relaxed and his eyes opened a crack.

"You know, there were a few times I honestly thought about just ending it myself. I'd have waited until I'd tucked Paps into bed, waited until he was deep asleep, and then just let my magic go. But I couldn't do it..... And I just wept."

His breathing hitched on a half sob mixed with a chuckle,"Pathetic, right? Some brother I am?! I was prepared to..... With him...."

He stayed silent, swallowing a few times as he looked up at the tv, more to steady himself than anything else. He'd never told any of this to anyone, and each word, every memory that he repeated, it broke off a layer of his facade. Not the one he showed everybody else, but the one he'd convinced himself was the real him. The Sans who was never bothered by anything. The Sans who could carry the burdens of the world and still manage to smile like it was ok. The Sans who didn't remember the past timelines.

Taking a deep breath, he started again,"But then.... One day I asked Paps an odd question. I asked him what he would do if someone had pretended to be his friend and then just hurt him deeply for no reason. And ya know what he said? He.... He said he'd forgive them. Because, no matter how badly they'd hurt him, they were his friend."

Sans peeked over to Frisk with a small, but genuine smile,"So, you should forgive yourself too. I'm.... Struggling with it too. Even if you say you deserved it, I shouldn't have....... It wasn't justice. I just wanted to hurt you like you had me. And I didn't feel any better for it."

And as he tore his gaze away from her, Sans could honestly say he felt better than he had in a long time. He knew the nightmares wouldn't stop, not completely, but at least it didn't feel like his memories were going to explode out of his skull.