Well...this character



The way everything is laid out is kind of...clunky for starters. Makes it sound like he betrayed Britannia because of the massacre but in reality he was already a traitor and spy a mere month prior. Why even bother saying "It is coincidence" about killing his commander then in the paragraph after explain that a month prior he was already working with the Black Knights? Not good to make character history so jumbled.

Frankly the character just sounds like a traitor who is also a bit of a coward. Don't get me wrong that can actually make for a pretty interesting character but its hard to see how the Black Knights would even think about trusting someone like that. Also the copy and paste bit is in bad taste and I agree with @vancexentan about that.

Also I would think someone like him would be used on the EU front rather than in Japan for starters, seems weird that he'd be over there in the first place. The character just really doesn't seem to fit all that well with the setting ya know?

@IceHeartI agree with that assessment myself. As GM though I am in charge of neutrally grading a character. I personally would like to see some changes but it is his character however in spite of that I have already said to him in PM's that changes will be needed in terms of the E.U. part.

@vancexentan I Have fixed the issues and rewritten his later history. I do apologize for the plagiarism and will make it a point never to do so in the future and again I greatly apologize for the problems I have caused.

@Fenris123 I'll take part of this as I haven't specified it clearly in the OP but Sho wasn't active until the BR itself in which he rejoined and was put in charge of a flank. His faction came into being about two months after parts of W-1 and the E.U. officially managed to give him control of a significant portion of the remaining black knights that were in southern Japan. How they managed to do this was a mix between Hirai's spy divsion allowing them to find the splinter factions in need of a leader, and the E.U.'s reinforcements via W-1 itself and some older Japanese soldiers who abandoned Japan shortly after the original war. As such unless you were directly placed under Sho during the time of the Black Rebellion you'd have been under a splinter faction of generic black knights for a month or so before being picked up by Sho's forces.

However I do take an issue with how long he's been with the Black Knights. According to the Cs it says he served as a spy when the Black Knights showed themselves to the world at the time. I'm not sure how'd that work as you are technically an honorary Britannian from another conquered nation, Ireland to be specific, which would lead to some major trust issues there more over you participated in the Shinjuku incident and were sparred by the rebels at the time meaning they know you participated in a full on assault on innocent civilians.

I would recommend rewriting it and trying to think of a new bio. I'm am not trying to bully you, or push you around. It's just as it stands it seems you're trying to keep your old story together but it is flawed in a way which makes very awkward at best trying to implement it into a story full of Ex-Black Knights, Japanese Liberation Force Soldiers, and European Black Ops.

@vancexentan Would it be better if I had him fighting the E.U in the earlier history, or that his family lived in Japan after the take over?

@Fenris123If he would be fighting against the E.U. then I'm sure Sho would want nothing to do with him at that point due to his need for E.U. assistance, and he'd have no friends among W-1 at that point. If you move to Japan you should live as a police officer with no infractions that may lead to alienating the Japanese, and join Zero's Black Rebellion either after the JLF movement's is destroyed and they reveal themselves, or after the massacre incident and people join in mass. You should also include a reason why Japan is picked out of all places because as it stands you have an Irish, and Britannian heritage. Why would Japan be the place to go? Why not stay in Ireland, or go to the Britannian Homeland?

If you don't like either why not China? Let's look at my character for a second: Jack's father had close connections with Nagamasa from Japan and sent his son there to keep him safe because he trusted Azai more than his fellow E.U. bureaucrats. He went back for a bit after the JLF but before the Black Rebellion, and served there as a soldier for a short time period but under the sanction as a political tool since he was his father's son. He's in W-1 because of his piloting skills, and the fact that he's relateable to the Japanese due to Azai's tutoring of him while there.

@vancexentan I think I have a decent idea, but I don't know if it will be except-able. I'll write it in and let you judge it.

@vancexentan@IceHeart Rewritten again and I hope I have fixed all problems with this latest update.

@Fenris123The story is acceptable now if you moved him down to a squad member of one of Sho's raider divisions but not as a captain. Sho's division leaders are typically the more experienced pilots with few exceptions. but I'd like to hear the others opinions on it. Likewise I'd like to tell you that your grammar is pretty poor at times. For example: you have sense, instead of since. That may be irritating to some. I can mind it as long as the posts are legible.

@vancexentan Will do and I will work on my grammar while here.

@Fenris123 Overall a lot better, there is now a much more plausible story given the context and a lot easier to follow as well. I think it's pretty much acceptable at this point now.

And yes, I'd appreciate it if you could try to correct any grammar mistakes when you see them. When I look over my past posts and spot a mistake I usually try to edit it on the spot least it get on my nerves. That said, I can deal with it more in other people's posts than my own.

@IceHeartAlright I'll see what the others say and if there's anything left unsaid otherwise I'll give it one more quick look and I'll pass it if I believe it's ok.

Oh, and so my IC post is done.

@People: We may have to design our characters relations with each other. Do you want to plan it out in OOC or just RP it out in IC?
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Edit: The new CS by Fenris seems to be good enough now. it is also good to have a close combat specialist. Really, we need more Knightmare-capable pilots, perhaps even a proper ace.

Isn't that what Jack, and your character technically are in terms of ace level skill? Jack's CS flat out says he has ace pilot skills he's just not on Lelouch levels of charisma.

As for interactions we all know each other to some extent how well we know each other can be done in IC, or OOC.

@DuoyaStill want to hear your opinion on the matter on Fenris's Cs.

@vancexentan
Sorry, just refreshed the page. Personally, I'm okay with it. It's a lot better than it was before, the character fills the CQC space that the party needs, and he has an acceptable backstory and motives. The only 'issue' I see is that his Knightmare has a little too many armaments, but that's just me being nit-picky, and it's not a problem if everyone else is okay with it.

Also, I'll post IC sometime tomorrow, around noonish.

Alright if no one else has a problem with it i'll let it through then.

@vancexentan If it is alright I will post IC soon.

You're allowed.

Something came up, I'll post around 6:30. If someone wants to, they can skip me till then.