[@13org] [hider=Isaak Ivanov Review]Just a few things. First off, I’m going to point out that you put your character’s height as 5’99”. I’m going to assume that was a typo, as otherwise he would be a giant at 13’3”. A 7’0” tall character was silly, this would be just plain ridiculous. 

Next up, the grenade incident. We have some concerns about this. First off, why would a live grenade be used in a military academy training high schoolers? I don’t have to be the child of a lawyer to have that scream “LIABILITY” at me in big, fat letters. If it was a prank or a trick, why would they pull the pin? The same effect could be done by chucking a rock at the kid and yelling “grenade”, or throwing a dud. Please make this more realistic.

In addition, we’re skeptical about the probability of a high schooler surviving shrapnel from a grenade in his face at the places the scars suggest. Assuming you’re going off of the image as a reference, the shrapnel would probably pierce his cheek bone, while the scar on his arm looks like it came from a burn. Also, I don’t know if this was another typo but in the hospital a few weeks later? Did he spend several weeks not in the hospital after his injuries? Perhaps fix the sentence structure here to better make your point.

Lastly, the eight quiz question. There is no UK/Ireland in this world. They don’t exist. It would be the same as saying you want to go to Narnia, except no one knows what you’re talking about because no one has ever heard of Narnia. It’s rather silly.

To fix this, i would correct your typos, and change the grenade backstory to something else. There are a plethora of more reasonable accidents that can happen in the world and traumatize a child, from car crashes fires to collapsed buildings. I know that any of those things would give me PTSD and make me rethink serving in the military. Please make the changes, and we will review your CS again. :) [/hider]

[@Sorrelmyst] [hider=Kyra Valentina Review]
Just a few things to ask about/point out. First, could you expand on her personality a little more? It’s a little confusing to read. There certainly is a lot of love in there! Maybe include some character flaws, and rework some of the sentences.

Next issue, I don’t know if I made this clear enough in the beginning, since it seems to have confused some other people too, but familiars don’t have magic. Or rather, they can’t use it. Familiars have an Ability, which draws on their own energy, and not the magic they hold in their soul. Maybe read a little more on mages and familiars in the opening OOC post to clarify? :)

Can you explain how she got to the academy? Why did she want to come? How did she get here? Was she a scholarship student, or did her parents scrape together the money to get her in? If she is a scholarship student, what was her motive for studying so hard to get into the academy? If you could include this in your history, that would be great.

Also, you have 10 points to spend in proficiency, intelligence, and athletics, but have spent any yet. You’re probably going to want to do that, to give us a better understanding of your character’s capabilities.

For fixing this character, I’d give her some flaws, clarify her personality, give her a reason and way she got to the academy, and spend your 10 points. Please make these changes, and we will review your CS again. :)
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[@Holy Grail]
[hider=Elena Octavia Rhodes Review]
A strong CS overall, it does raise one big question. In this world, Mages and Familiars are seen not only as equals, but necessary to each other to blossom. There is no animosity between them, and most don’t consider one above the other or vice versa. Therefore, the fact that her family sees them in this way, and takes it to the extent of separating the two families is not only counterintuitive, as powerful mages [i]need[/i] familiars, but incredibly strange for this world. It would be the equivalent of saying people who are allergic to gluten are subservient to people who are not. This is a very silly concept, understandably, because gluten does not determine a person’s worth, personality, status, or power. It would be the same in this world. These strangely hostile attitudes towards familiars would be totally unreasonable to anyone in this world. In fact, it’s borderline insane an attitude, because 50% of the people in the world are familiars, and it’s completely random who is or isn’t one. I just simply can’t see the plausibility of an entire clan of mages seeing their Familiars as subservient, when that goes against the very nature of a [i]sacramentum[/i].

If you could fix this, we would be happy to review your CS again. :)
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At this rate, the spot for the last familiar is a race in edits! *grabs popcorn and 3D glasses* Rooting for you all!