Approximately two blocks away, a purple phone had been ringing non-stop for one [i]Rusty McKenzie[/i], who as the answering machine explained, was not there at the moment. It rang, received a long message, and then rang immediately again, waking the resident Rusty's cat hours earlier than it was used to. This Rusty McKenzie was a twenty-seven year old lesbian with an obese orange tabby named Garfield, who despite being the only Rusty McKenzie in New Camden's phone book, was not the only Rusty McKenzie in New Camden. Whether or not she knew it, this Rusty was the [i]wrong[/i] Rusty. The [i]right[/i] Rusty, obviously, was talking to a Satyr.

The wrong Rusty McKenzie arrived home two hours later, carrying two armfuls of groceries in tall brown bags -- In her left arm was a bag with a baguette and few stalks of celery peeking over the top, and in her right, a bag of dry cat food sagging with weight. Immediately, she took a knee and dropped the bag in her right arm with a resounding [i]Oof[/i], greeting her sizable companion who had turned the corner, meowing incessantly.

"Hey Garfield. What's got you so worked up?"

Garfield continued to meow, rubbing a cottonball-shaped orange cheek against her knee, before taking a few guiding steps toward the kitchen.

"Oh, I see. Worked up an appetite sitting on your ass."

Rusty grabbed her bags and brought them to the kitchen counter, which incited Garfield to only meow louder in anticipation. Noticing the flashing red light on her answering machine, Rusty hit the play button as she began to unload groceries into her fridge.
[hr]"[b]Six new messages. Message one.[/b]"

"Rus, It's Bill. Bill Harper, from Maine. Hope you've been well, because I have-fucking-not. You're not going to believe what I'm about to tell you. You sitting down? Martha, that bitch, she left me. Dropped me like a hot potato, Rus. Threw me out onto the street, I-I tell you what, I stuck -- [b]BEEP[/b]"

"[b]Message two.[/b]"

"When did they make the messages so short? I tell you what, I stuck my goddamn neck out there with you for years peddling pot, having big mean Mother Hubbards pulling blades on us and all that shit, and what do I get for it? You know what I get for it, Rus? A note on the door, says she's tired of me not being there for Phil, that she gave me too many last cha -- [b]BEEP[/b]"

"[b]Message three.[/b]"

"Too many last chances, and that this is it. She took Phil, she took the car, she even took my metal German beer mug. My stein. She took that dreamcatcher we made on that retreat and she took the conch I found her in Florida. Oh, and you're not gonna believe this, Rus, she took Patches. That's right, stole my fucking dog. I paid for his adoption fee, his vet bills, every f -- [b]BEEP[/b]"

"[b]Message four.[/b]"

"My dooog, Rus. I c-can't believe that bitch, God damn it. I-I don't know what I'm gonna do. Oh, oh God. I can't believe this Rus I put a roof over, over, oh God. It's all going to shit, oh [i]God[/i] I'm gonna jump off of a fucking cliff, oh my God. She t-took everything, oh my Christ it's all hitting me just now what am I gonna do, oh God Rus what am -- [b]BEEP[/b]"

"[b]Message five.[/b]"

"I'm good now. My bad. Took a walk, I'm good now. Sorry 'bout that. Let's move past that. It's pretty bad over here... I've been living in the sketchy part of the parks and those [i]Goddamn Bigfoot finders keep[/i]... Getting off track. She got it all finalized while I was gone, too. You know what they say about lawyers being from Hell? Her lawyer, all the notaries, they all used blood co -- [b]BEEP[/b]"

"[b]Message six.[/b]"

"They should really make these fuckin' things longer. Anyway, I really need a place to crash. I would just stay in the woods, but that's where she went. I can't go back to the woods. She took the woods from me, and I'm a Sasquatch. I don't know what to do, Rus. I should probably end this message here, I have a bus to New Camden in twenty and I haven't even started p -- [b]BEEP[/b]"

"[b]End of messages.[/b]"