Ash Fitzsimmons. If it's like, y'know, a formal-type name, like for the draft or some shit, then Ashley Jeremiah Fitzsimmons. Yeah, I know. Real 'Boy named Sue' crap. You can see why I go by Ash. I've gotten everyone to call me that since I was like six, 'cept for Mrs. Silver, who calls me A.J. I think it's retarded. Who the fuck wants to be called letters, y'know? What son-of-a-bitch sits down like "Hey, I'm gonna name my kid Theodore-Jackoff Dumbass III, and then just call him T.J his whole life.", right? Anyway, off-topic. Name's Ash.
This isn't the draft, right?



I have to answer this? I'm, uh, seventeen, actually. But before you say some shit like 'Ohh, seventeen-year old sophomore, must be one dumb motherfucker', just, like, quiet for a second, okay? I get that I'm dumb, but I'm not some mouthbreather who lives in a fuckin' shed, alright? I got held back twice, but not 'cause I'm dumber than I say I am. If anyone knows how dumb I am, it's me. First time was 'cause I didn't go to school, second time was for fighting. Anyway, off-topic too. Seventeen. Sorry.



What type of a dumb goddamn question is that?



I have a bike I like to ride. Mostly downhill, no biggie. Cedar Hills is right by the forest, so every now and again I cruise through and shoot some squirrels and turtles and shit with my older brother's BB gun. Not that he fuckin' needs it, you know what I mean? Heh. Wait, you probably don't. Anyway, I like to read fantasy stories. Horselords of Aperoxx and Gore-Maw are my favorite, but Gore-Maw's more of a graphic novel. I like movies too, like Beastmaster, Willow, Krull, that kinda thing. Fantasy. What can I say, swords are bitchin'. Dark Crystal was a good one too, but it didn't have any swords, which was gay as fuck. I paid twelve bucks to see it. Oh, and I'm a rapper, too. Forgot to mention that.



Teachers. Classmates. School and teachers and classmates and shit, mostly. Everybody treats me like some retard, they talk slow to me like I don't speak English. I don't understand most of what they teach either, so I mostly cheat or guess or make up excuses. I don't like school, and I been thinking of dropping out and working. I ain't have no skills, but, y'know, I still got two legs. I could shovel shit for all I care instead of dealing with everybody at school. I don't like school, not a bit. Are you writing this down to tell the teachers? If you do, tell Mrs. Silver, Mr. Beuglish, and Ms. Deihmal to eat my whole fucking dick. Coach Samson's alright though.



None. Does that sound sad? I dunno. I guess to stop smoking dope and drinking beer every other day. I just don't have many options. I can't stand school. I'm too dumb for scholarships, I'm too fuckin' poor to buy my ticket into college. I was born in a trailer, and I'mma probably die in it too. I guess the only goal I got is just, not being where I am now. That make sense? I wanna be a guy who's got like, a girl, and a dog, and a house. Maybe a kid. Dunno yet. Kids are sticky. You ever go to someone's house and they got kids? Everything is fucking sticky, and they act like it's not, and it's like, fuck you, my shoes shouldn't make a noise when I step foot in your house you sticky goddamn mother goose.



Eh? It's actually pretty alright. I never knew my dad, Dennis, because he got killed before I was borned. My brother and I were always tight, every now and then my mom and I visit him, and sometimes we get to call him, but every other time we do he's in solitary for something or the other, and you can't place a call to the hole. My mom's pretty nice. She's a battle-axe, but she's alright. She's the toughest bitch in the park. One time, we had this neighbor for a while who got all hopped up on angel dust, and he tried breaking in. I was too little to do nothin', but she answered the door and smashed a bottle across his jaw. To this day, dude looks like a cat who got fed a firecracker, y'know? Anyway, my relationship with my mom's pretty good. She's a seamstress,
so she keeps me lookin' good even though we live in a fucking dump.



Pork, haha. I don't like animals. They get fur everywhere, or they shit on you, or they bite you, or they just plain don't shut up. Even fish do none of that, and fish reek. Monkeys are cool, I guess, but they fling their shit. If a monkey ever flung shit at me, I would kill it and eat it, I don't care. Even if it was the first AIDS monkey, I don't give a fuck, that sumbitch is my dinner if it throws some caca at me. Actually, you know what? Naked mole rats are cool too. Think about it. Naked mole rats barely feel pain, can't get cancer, and act like bugs with a queen and soldiers and shit. They even fight snakes. They can bite through dirt and rocks and whatever too. Basically, they're, like, little shriveled up supermans. Man. Naked mole rats are the fuckin' bomb, actually, fuck monkeys. I bet if we made, like, an alligator-sized naked mole rat, it'd be like, the dominant species and shit. Like Planet of The Apes, but, with naked mole rats. Planet of The Naked-Fucking-Mole Rats. Hell yeah.



Real talk, yellow. Think about it. Star Trek, boom. Command yellow. Y'know who wore yellow? The best characters, that's who. Kirk. Data. Worf. All yellowshirts. Outside of Star Trek, all the best things are yellow. Baratheon? Yellow. The sun? Yellow. Butter? Yellow. Gold? Yellow. Flowers can be yellow too. It's a happy color, too. Ain't nobody gonna wear a yellow shirt and tell you some sad fuckin' shit. When I have bad days I sometimes like to draw, like, happy stuff. Don't tell nobody that. I'll smack the soul right out of you, I swear to fucking Christ, I've knocked tougher grey-haired yuppies than you out. Anyway, yeah. Sometimes I like to draw happy stuff like sunrises or birds. What was the question again?



Eminem, Metallica, and Insane Clown Posse are all my SHIT. I can't remember lyrics for the life of me.



Yes. Aliens are real. Next question. Oh, we done here? That's cool too.

---

Connor Rice
Connor? Me and Connor go way back, actually. He and his sister spent a year or so in Cedar Hills while they were movin', and so we were buddies for a while. Choir boys and sleepovers and all that shit. We don't got a lotta brothers out here in Cedar, so all the other kids called him "Uncle Ben's Rice", which was in retrospect, I guess also a dig at his name, but not me, 'cause I knew what it was like for people to give you shit for your name, believe me. Once he left, he changed though. Couldn't get him to come out and do fun shit no more, y'know? Wouldn't go fishin', riding bikes, wouldn't so much as toss a fuckin' rock at a tree. Started putting his nose to the grindstone. Became an uptight teacher's pet, for lack of a better-fuckin'-term. One time I called him out on it, and he said it's because his sister told him I act like a loser, as if she makes his fucking decisions. I almost popped him in the mouth right there. I shoulda.

We didn't talk for months after that, and when we did it was because he dumped his tray of food down my back because I was wearing my best shirt that day, so I turn around and boom, crack him one right there. Then everybody in the cafeteria freaks out, he's swinging, I'm swinging, the lunchladies break it up, it was a whole thing. We both got suspended, and had to write this gay-ass apology letter to the other and shake hands in front of the American flag. Can you believe what weird shit they make us put up with just for settling our shit like men? Anyway, that was a few years ago. Haven't really spoken to him too much since then, the apology contract said we can't so much as shoot each other a dirty look in the halls. Why you askin' about this shit anyway? You gonna tell this to him like with those teachers? If you do, tell that cocksucker I stook up for him in Cedar Hills and he stabbed me in the back, and that's a shitty fuckin' thing to do.

Noah Ward
Oh yeah, Farmer Ward. He's a bucket of fun. One time I saw someone offer him a drag of their cigarette, and he said no, but like, he said it with his hands too. I think he plays on the football team, which makes sense considering the hay bales and raw eggs he gets over at Millcreek. What's that? Not actually Millcreek. Whoulda figured, Erie county all the same. But not the City of Erie, that summbitch has a cow. Ain't no cows in the city of Erie.

Gabriela Mendez
That mulatto chick, right? Like Michael Jackson? Can you still say mulatto? Anyway, she's alright. I sit next to her in Earth Science, which sounds like it would be a cool subject, if the teacher wasn't some tight dickweed like Mr. Beuglish, but it is not, because it is taught by Mr. Beuglish. God, how I hate him. I used to draw Looney-Tunes comics where I would kill him and the punchline was that the last frame was always me banging his wife, who is a fox, and then he had me suspended for all of October for threats and I had to write some dickass apology. Can you believe that? Am I living in Communist Russia?
Anyway, getting off topic. Gabi is way better at Earth Sciences than me, which once again, is not a cool class. It's chlorophyll and rain cycles and shit. Fuck a rain cycle. Water comes from the tap now, dummy.

Gabi always gives me pencils, on account of I don't have any, and one time she let me eat the rest of her peach-ring-candy-snacks because they got all melted. I ate it sort of like you'd eat fondue or guacamole, like with a quick two finger scoop kind action, and by the end of the day my hand was covered in that shit. I patted Mr. Beuglish on the back at the end of class before he brought us to an assembly, and when he had to walk down to give the pledge he looked like a total asshat and we all laughed at him. I mean, C.J. and I definitely did, but I think Gabi thought it was funny too.

C.J. Makowski

C.J. Teachers call me Carol if that's important.



Sixteen. Not sure why you care.



This is a joke, right? I’m not on Candid Camera or something am I? This is fucking stupid – you can see me for fuck's sake!



Yeah. I’m a “musician” though a lot of people wouldn’t call me that because they wouldn’t know a good song if it hit them in the face. Maybe one day I’ll be opening for Pearl Jam or something. Beyond that, I don’t have a whole lot. I like challenging myself and I guess challenging others. I get into fights but that’s not really a hobby, so I guess I should say that I really like what the cops don’t. What’s really cool is breaking into abandoned buildings and just poking around - but don’t go telling the cops I do that, okay?



These dumb fucking questions make the exceptionally long list. But okay, I’ll bite - I hate morons and moron lists just like I hate cops, buzzkills, drunks, the religious, this whole fucking town, bullshit, and this town’s unhealthy obsession with football. Who fucking cares if you can throw a goddamn ball, right? It doesn’t make you better than anyone else and certainly not worth being held up as some kind of savior for this dying piece of shit town. Also lame ass shit hair metal needs to go crawl in a hole and die. The sooner I never have to hear bullshit arena ballads and flamboyant poser garbage the better.



I don’t think long-term, so that’s going to be a problem. But yeah, sure, since you want to know a whole lot of nothing I can talk about that. The only “goal” I have is to get the fuck out of Erie and just go. Chances are I’ll be stuck here just like everyone else who isn’t “special”. I don’t have the money or the grades to get a fancy scholarship and I don’t do sports. I just want to be me and deal with whatever on my own terms.



Yeah, no.



Not sure. Wolves are pretty cool, but so are foxes and shit. I kind of dig Mongooses since they are pretty much everything you could want in an animal. They look neat, they’re super-fast, and they don’t take no shit from anybody. I don’t know, that’s just me.



Some kind of dark blue, I guess. Isn’t this kind of dumb question? What is this; the first day of kindergarten?



Yeah. Stuck Here Again. L7. It’s pretty much me and Erie.



Don’t really think about it. Seems like kind of a dumb question.

---

Ashley Fitzsimmons

The only person in shop class I probably don’t want to run over with my car. Me and Ash kind of have that “wrong side of the tracks” kind of thing going for us but we’re not the same. When he’s not being an idiot he’s being a dork, but it’s whatever. At least he’s not pretending to be anything else to be him, y’know? I can respect that. But I swear if he forces me to listen to another Kid Rock song I’m going to kill myself. Augh.

Connor Rice

Connor “Big Business” Rice, yeah, I guess you can say I know him. He’s pretty much the most boring person at Erie High and that’s saying a lot considering Noah exists. With how serious he is I’m honestly surprised he isn’t a student at the academy on State Street. But uh… yeah, we’ve had a few classes but he’s not very interesting. Too focused on getting that perfect GPA and that ain’t my scene, y’know?

Gabriela Mendez

--

Noah J. Ward

Yee haw. Remember those dislikes you asked me about? Here’s the ultimate nice guy and town hero. He’s so whitebread he even owns a pet pig. I don’t know if he’s fake or so offensively inoffensive that I can’t tell the difference. Whichever it is, I don’t care and I just want to stop hearing about how he’s the town’s great white hope of getting to regionals this year – because he’s so “gifted” he can bring a shit town like Erie to some sort of relevancy. Our football team sucked last year and he’s not going to magically make it all better this year. Gag me.

Peter Przybyszewski

He’s the new kid, right? We don’t get a lot of those in Erie, so it kind of sticks out. But outside of him being a dumb geek from out of town, there’s not much to tell. I mean, yeah, I clocked a dude that decided calling him a polack was a smart thing to do – but it’s not like I feel for him or anything. He’s not my type.

Connor. My last name’s Rice, spelled like the grain. No middle name.



Seventeen.



...



Running. Best time is way early in the morning, when there’s still barely anyone out. It’s a good time for me think about things, like, if I’ve ever got something on my mind, I just go to Presque and just keep going and going. Used to be on the track team, but I kept missing too many practices because of work. Sorry, Coach Andrew.

I like plants, too. My favorite one is Hydnora africana. They look like alien monsters and smell like crap. There’s a greenhouse at McCullough that’s open to the public, I go there when I can. Wanted to go into botany before I found out it wasn’t a super stable job. I’ve been using the library computers to learn about them on the side though, they’re pretty sweet.



I don’t like small talk or rambling. It’s not that hard to just say things to the point. I don’t like people who ask for criticism but can’t take it. I also don’t really like people who dick around and waste their time and potential. Especially if they complain about it. No ambition or effort. Call me a tryhard but I really don’t get it.



Short term? I’m trying to save up enough to buy an old Honda. I know the owner from church and she’s willing to give me discount for helping her out. No more putting up with the shitty bus system. On the long term, I’m planning on applying to an engineering college program next year. I think I can probably find a solid job, engineering’s getting pretty big these days. Trying to keep my grades up so I can get a scholarship.



I don’t live with my parents. My sister Sandy adopted me five years ago, and we cut off contact. They tried to bother us a couple of times, but after Sandy got the cops involved I haven’t seen them since. I don’t miss them. Sandy’s cool, we get along like, really well. She’s usually busy working though, so I don’t see her a lot. She pushes me hard, but it's because she wants me in a better place than where we came from.



Probably crows. They’re really smart. There’s like a big flock of them at the park that come every fall. Murder of them. But when they fly up to find a place to roost it’s sick to watch, just, this cloud of birds moving through the sky.



Green.



Rip we're not in mid 2000s anymore I'll find a new song.



I think it’s pretty possible that there’s something else in the universe. Probably not Star Wars or something like that, but I’d believe in something being there.



Noah Ward
Noah's one of those people that you can't find fault with no matter how hard you try. Really down to earth kind of guy. He's basically carrying the football team to States at this point but I don't think I've ever seen it go to his head. Really respect that.

I invite him for a run when I get the chance to. He's pretty busy with farm work and football practice, but he's a great partner to run with. Dude's big but he can keep up and hold some good conversation. Did you know his place has these rare varieties of heirloom corn?

Gabriela Mendez
I've known her a long time, we went to the same elementary school. In seventh grade I told her I thought dinosaurs were just okay, and then she made me watch all the Jurrassic Park movies. And then she'd like, get her hands on these ripoff movies from God knows where and make me watch those too. I've seen every dinosaur movie in existence. We rewatch Jurassic Park every year now, though. It's a pretty good movie.

She also keeps trying to get me to give her free chicken nuggets when I'm at work. No matter how many times I say no. She's trying to wear me down but I'm not gonna give her free stuff just because she keeps asking.

C.J. Makowski
There's at least a dozen wannabe rock stars at this school and they all think they're gonna hit it big. Carol's one of them. Got that couldn't-care-less attitude and rebel girl schtick going on to match. I think it's all a show, like, this performance of how much she Does Not Care. I saw a lot of that type of kid in foster care; they'd act all indifferent but it'd be to deflect any kinda hurt. Not saying she's got stuff going on since I don't know what kinda life she has. Maybe she's just doing it because she thinks it's cool. Who knows.

Anyway, she's been pretty up front about the fact that she doesn't like me, so I don't really talk to her much.

Ash Fitzsimmons
Ash? I haven’t talked to him in a while. We got into this fight a couple years back. Wasn't even my fault, someone knocked me over. I tried to explain but he just wouldn't listen to me, went completely nuts. Anyway, we’ve pretty much avoided each other since then.

This is weird saying it, but I used to be friends with him when I first moved in with my sis. Looked up to him, even. He'd bring me with him to explore the woods and taught me how to fish and stuff, tell me about his books. He drew good, too. All stuff a dumb kid would look up to, you know? Anyway, time passed and he never really grew up. We had a couple of fights about it. He didn’t care about school or his future or anything. Probably still doesn’t. Doesn’t make any sense to me considering how much he talked about wanting to leave the trailer park, but it's his life, not mine.

Peter Przybyszewski
He's that new kid with the unpronounceable last name, right?