DSW, I think something that might help you in your writing is practicing your tenses. Specifically past and past perfect. Here are some links that'll be of use. Please, don't just skim through them or assume you already know it; many writers get trapped with tenses and it's easy to slip up with them, especially when attempting present tense.

[url=http://www.dailywritingtips.com/5-lessons-for-mixing-past-and-present-tense/]One[/url] 
[url=http://robertsloan2.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-use-Past-Tense-Present-Tense-and-Future-Tense-in-Novel-Writing]Two[/url] 

That second link is especially useful. 

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Sorry to just butt into an OOC and discussion I'm not a part of. I just thought I'd try to give the kid a hand.

On topic, though, I'm considering a couple characters for this. It'll still be some time before I join in, but I'm thinking of ideas.