So, it's time for the last batch of reviews. [@Xanadu] [hider=Anjor]Anjor du Sufva - Angaran, Soldier https://www.roleplayerguild.com/posts/4571830 [Dervish Notes] Y’know, I really had no idea what to expect from an angaran character sheet given that they don’t have the history or lore that the original species had, but I am ecstatic that you knocked this out of the park. Between having a wonderful attention to detail, a lot of fleshed out characters that were a part of Anjor’s life and really capturing the essence of what it must be like for a people who are born, live, and die in perpetual war, you just really drive home some strong themes like hope, loss, identity. It’s just damn good stuff. I honestly tried to find something to critique here but either I’m losing my touch or you are one talented SOB. Thank you for this, sincerely. I really feel like I know who Anjor is, and you’ve presented his bio and personality section in such a way that it [I]feels[/I] like I’ve roleplayed or read stories with him before. That’s some pretty great writing! Ahem. I mean, it was okay. I’m a professional who is incapable of emoting. [Mortarion Notes] Like Tricks I was stoked when I saw that you applied with an Angaran character and your sheet is one of the best that have been submitted so far. I loved how you worked out Anjor’s story, and the fact that he was a member of the Voeld resistance before Evfra united the numerous resistance groups into the mure united front we see in Andromeda proper was a nice element of the sheet. Like Dervs said before me, you capture the feel of someone who has been embroiled in war ever since their birth. [DearTrickster Notes] I’ll be the first to say, I’m so [i]pleased[/i] someone applied with an Angaran character. I love ‘em too, I want to develop an angaran for the RP personally a pc or an npc, something of that nature. But yes! Thank you! Another super detailed appearance section, excellent. I love his backstory, the great development of not only him but his family as well. Dervs perfectly summed it up, and I legit can’t find even the tiniest thing to change. I loved that you used Angaran words and language references and kept that consistent. Powers, personality and equipment all check out. Seriously fantastic job <3. [/hider] ~~~ [@Spoopy Scary][hider=Reyna] Reyna Baker, Human Explorer https://www.roleplayerguild.com/posts/4572653 [Dervish Notes] -In regards to her piercings, they should be removed when she goes on missions. Other than that, I have no problem with them -Why exactly did Reyna’s father want her to become a biotic? There isn’t really a safe way to expose a child to eezo, so he’d be hoping for her to go through something pretty awful for even a chance. -If she was something of a troublemaker and her mother wasn’t able to keep an eye on her all the time on the business trips to the Citadel, why would she take her there every time she went? I can’t imagine how terrifying it would be for a parent to have their kid escape from a hotel room and start exploring a city-sized space station, especially since A) aliens were still pretty fresh and new for humans to get used to, ergo stranger danger x1000 and B) if someone abducted her, there’d be no way of knowing if they’d ever see her again. You might want to think of the logistics behind all of this, it sounds like wanderlust is kind of a defining trait for her, and the fact she got out on several occasions without supervision is one of those things I’d file under pointlessly negligent parenting. -The Peacekeeper part is great and I think that’s a pretty solid concept for her character, although I do question if she’d be allowed to enlist for what’s basically a military position and be allowed to leave after a year. I imagine the shortest contract is about 3 years, it wouldn’t be like leaving a typical job.You also made it sound like there was a lot of exciting parts to the job that catered a lot to her, so how did that devolve into her standing by doors for days on end? -Not opposed to her joining ERCS, but the sudden interest in wanting to guard dig sites seems like it would be way more boring than doing peacekeeping. I think all the concepts are fine, but her justifications for wanting to shake up her life after one year seem kind of drastic and strange; I also can’t imagine ERCS would be eager to hire someone who left their previous position after again, a really laughably short amount of time. -The first people out of cryo were pretty much the life support specialists and the technicians who could keep the essential systems going. Exploring wasn’t really a concern until well after the Nexus was stabilized; it’s important to emphasize how devastated the station was from the Scourge. The scouting didn’t really start until supplies were running low, and they just sent shuttles to check each of the Habitat worlds that were marked for quick recon missions, determining they were all inhospitable. Someone like Reyna wouldn’t have likely been woken until they were starting to send expeditions down to Eos, so you did get that right. It’s the paragraphs preceding it that seemed like a bit of odd speculation. -She sounds like she’s a pretty hard lone wolf; You might want to have some indication she’s capable of working in a team to some extent. -Overall, it’s a pretty good concept and there’s lots to work with! [/hider] ~~~ [@Garden Gnome] [Hider=Nadia] Nadia Blackwell, Human Biotic(?) (Adept, Vanguard??) [DearTrickster Notes] -First note is for the profile, I’m sure you meant Vanguard because you have biotic and combat powers listed for Nadia. Appearance section checks out. -What is C-Sec doing on Omega? -I noticed she has a L2 Implant and there’s no mention of her having any of the nasty side effects they became known for. Kaiden Alenko being one of the luckier biotics with only occasional migraines. -Where did she wonder around and do odd jobs? The Citadel? Omega? -She lost her eye and had some reasonable recovery time, you say she lost her left eye but the art you provided it’s her right eye that has the patch. Our left, her right. How did she adjust to fighting with only one eye? It was a rather serious injury she gained through a firefight, how did this affect her? Nightmares, ghost pain, any psychological remnants. -I think you meant the Nexus and not Hyperion, the Ark Hyperion was hit by the Scourge but remains largely intact with very little damage compared to the other Arks and the Nexus, including it’s leadership like the original Pathfinder Alec Ryder and Captain Dunn were fine. You go on to mention the uprising so I know for sure you meant the Nexus. -Her personality is contradictory, she’s open and bold but won’t initiate a conversation, she’s stoic but also a pushover at first glance? It’s very confusing. -Her reason for being awoken from cryo is very confusing as well. Was she awoken for her skills to help secure the Nexus? What real technical skills does she have? Mechanical vehicle repair? Tinkering? Maintenance? ‘Technical skills’ are very vague, that haven’t been touched on since she was a child and eventually a teenager. Her joining APEX reason is very solid, she helped in the Uprising but her reason for being thawed in the first wave of personnel needs to be cleared up. Her weapon preference should be moved up to personality, it’s a rather random sentence under this section. -Weapons and powers check out, save for that L2 Implant. A lot of the points I made seem like they can be fixed up in an hour or two of editing. You’ve got some solid foundation but again, some minor mistakes going on in various places. [/hider] ~~~ [@Ezekiel] [hider=Gazali] Gazali Coetzee, Human Engineer https://www.roleplayerguild.com/posts/4573180 [Mortarion Notes] -Only a picture? I’m sorry to be nitpicky but the ooc mentioned that there had to be a written description, and that pictures were optional. - With that out of the way, in general, I believe this sheet is rather interesting, after all as far as I’ve seen not many people go and intertwine their character’s backstory with the history of a nation like you’ve done with Gazali and how that plays into stuff like corruption in South Africa. On the other hand this makes it feel somewhat….disconnected to the setting at large. You obviously had Gazali be sent to the Alliance’s Military but why was this done? From what is seen on the backstory you wrote, Gazali seems to have been poised to become an influential member of SARS, after all he had more than excelled at his allotted task in the little shadow war you mentioned. Did they just want to get rid of any members that took part in that extra-illegal conflict away in a discreet way? On the topic of his background as a member of the Alliance Military, it seems kinda disconnected how he joined the N7 program. You aren’t just dropped into the N7 program, rather you join the Alliance military and [b]THEN[/B] you are invited to the program. It is also worth mentioning that it’s only when the trainees reach the rank of N6 that they are sent to conflict zones. Furthermore, having been considered for a posting on the Normandy is, at least for me, a no. Not to mention the whole Cerberus thing, I get Gazali is a talented Engineer and hacker/cyber warfare specialist, but remember that most people had no idea of Cerberus’s existence, and the Illusive Man went out of his way to keep its existence a secret, to the point that a high ranking Alliance admiral had to resort to the Shadow Broker to find out its existence. I get that Cerberus wanted to use Gazali as a patsy and all that stuff but, to be blunt, I don’t think the Cerberus angle works. Maybe it could be changed so that Gazali found that an organization wanted to manipulate him but he had no idea that it was Cerberus. The stuff about him almost being posted to the Normandy, again I get this was mostly due to Cerberus’s interference, but this doesn’t sits too well with me. On the subject of the Initiative itself, why did he want to join APEX? I get that you said the guys like to explore frontiers and while that is certainly a part of what APEX does, it’s main job is to defend the Initiative from its enemies and, well, nothing in the sheet seems to indicate that Gazali would feel inclined to go out of his way to join APEX. Furthermore, you didn’t exactly specify what role he was chosen for -not to mention, did he went on Ark HYperion or on the Nexus?- in the Initiative at large. Was he part of the security team? Or did he join merely as another normal colonist? [DearTrickster Notes] I appreciate the details you wrote about South Africa and Gazali’s eventual involvement with a shadow war between SARS and the Zuma Regime, I echo a lot of what Morty has already made a point of. We don’t get a real sense of who Gazali is as a person, we understand his dislike for corruption and that he is ok with aliens, isn’t a fan of leaving behind colonists. We really don’t see reason for him to have connections to the extremely elusive organization that in-canon has gone to great lengths to remain a secret in Mass Effect 1 and Mass Effect 2 or being a random N7 marine, when he had no real ambition to join the Alliance in the first place. What is driving Gazali? What are his motivations once you strip away his dislike of Cerberus and corruption? His inherent paranoia of Cerberus? His personality seems to revolve around that. Overall Gazali feels undercooked, relying too heavily on Cerberus being a thing for him. [/hider] ~~~ [@The Spectre] [hider=Yanagita] Yanagita “Kirin” Shunji, Human Engineer https://www.roleplayerguild.com/posts/4573447 [Dervish’s Notes] -I really enjoy and appreciate the logical progression in Kirin’s history where everything flows in a logical and easy to follow sort of beat where X happens because of Y, resulting in Z. He’s very grounded and I think his experiences aren’t outlandish, and Tricks was laughing because a lot of the stuff that Kirin experienced has an uncanny resemblance to what one of my character’s (Tanya’s) history is like, down to losing a father in the First Contact War, having a high mechanical aptitude, and a mother than falls in with extremists to find comfort and cope with her loss. Obviously it’s a huge coincidence and Kirin is a unique character that stands well on his own, it’s just an amusing sidenote. -I like how big galaxy shaking events like the Skyllian Blitz and attack on the Citadel helped shape his life without him being a participant; it’s just another well reasoned bit of growth for the character that makes him feel like he’s a part of the galaxy and having reasonable motivations for changing his path up. -I like that his best friend sided with the Exiles; it’s probably something that happened a lot where the uprising unfolded so quickly and friends were split on the issues for their own reasonable opinions; there wasn’t exactly a clear right answer. I think this will give him some great character development down the road! -Honestly, combined with Tricks’ comments, I have nothing more to add. This is just a fantastic submission. [DearTrickster’s Notes] I really liked reading through the backstory for Yanagita, it was straight forward cause and effect. I can’t find anything to change, or improve upon. This is a solid sheet from start to finish in his background. Excellent job. The only point I see for an update is his powers, passive powers are terribly difficult to translate into roleplay effectively. I would suggest to remove and change out Auxiliary Systems and Offensive Tech. You can roll with the four powers if you want, but energy drain may be a nice fifth power to have for him to round him out offensively and defensively. [/hider] ~~~ [@Captain Jenno] [hider=Kargad] [Bragus] Kargad - Krogan, Adept [Dervish’s Notes] -Bragus isn’t a canon krogan clan; I’d recommend you change that out for one that’s actually been established. -While I can appreciate Kargad having a metaphorical rebirth after meeting Revixtia, 400 years is a loooooong period of time with zero history. Obviously he was prestigious enough to be put forward as the next shaman for the clan, but other things are like what was his Rite of Passage? Was he involved with clan warfare, the politics? Any encounters with aliens? How exactly did he become the jaded krogan who wanted nothing to do with what was expected of him? I’m not expecting a really long and comprehensive list, but I do want to find out how he got there to some extent. -I love the fact that Kargad fell head over heels with the first woman who beat the everloving crap out of him to the point it became his life goal to find her again. This is the quality Jenno writing I’ve come to love; quirky and lovable misfits that come together oh so nicely. -A krogan fully embracing the asari faith is such a novel idea and this reminds me of that krogan on Illium who was reciting awful poetry to win back his asari girlfriend’s heart and wanting kids with her. It’s actually kind of touching, and I really love how you turned his fixation into something of a spiritual awakening and giving a sense of wonder to him as he continues his journey with Revixtia. -Like Tricks said, I really like that his reason for staying behind on the Nexus was purely for his daughters. He seems like he’s just a really well reasoned and compelling character and other than the giant gap in history and his clan, I really can’t think of anything that I would suggest correcting. [DearTrickster’s Notes] … Tuchunky backstory, please Jenno. Have mercy on my poor diaphragm. -I like that you acknowledged his original path planned out for a bioticly gifted krogan, but what has he been doing 400 years up until this point? -You mention various mercenary work here, was he largely self employed or did he spend time with various outfits? Was there any that particularly stood out to him, or he spent the most amount of his time working with? -I really love this hook for him as a character, just feeling hard and having so many [i]emotions[/i] I feel like he’ll get along with the angara that way. Fully embracing Asari belief because he was 100% for Revixtia and everything she was about. -[i]and another thing[/i] he didn’t completely lose himself when she died. He had his daughters who were there for him. It’s great, it’s dynamic. -His reason for staying with the Nexus is solid, he wants to stick around to see his daughters out of Cryo and leaving with his fellow krogan would have ruined that. He’s holdin onto that hope. I would like to see some expansion on his feelings toward the Nexus and how they treated the krogan. It’s a complex issue, he has good reason to stick around but I’d like to see how he feels about it. -Good descriptions for equipment. Personality section checks out. -Oh my god that power section. [/hider] ~~~ [@INSAYNITY] [hider=Kaitlin] Kaitlin Raethe - Human, Adept [Dervish Notes] -Her appearance section reads a lot like a personality section, where there’s nothing really describing how she looks and more her emotional states. It’s kind of a strange read. -Really bleak early years aside, what exactly made Raeth take an interest in Kaitlin in particular considering she couldn’t have been the only confirmed biotic child in 15 years? If she was nothing more than a project, why wouldn’t he have brought her to his compound to run tests on instead of bringing her to his home? What purpose did he have for wanting this girl for her biotics? -Alpha Academy is literally a carbon copy of BAaT, down to the cruel turian instructors. The Alliance shut that program down after cases of abuse came to light, they would not be eager to recreate history, especially without oversight/ Alliance instructors, especially ones they didn’t thoroughly do a background check for anti-human biases. This is why Grissom Academy had a biotic program after BAaT was shut down. -It seems somewhat dubious that Kaitlin wouldn’t have formed at least somewhat cordial bonds with a few of the other students. A lot of her life just seems like one abuse tacked onto another with no one loving her. The thing about making characters with constant tragedies is that it becomes impossible to emphasize with them and it almost becomes comical because no matter what happens, you know it’s going to end up awful. -I doubt that even accidental manslaughter would only result in an expulsion. There would almost certainly be legal repercussions. -It seems unlikely that an asari matriarch would be the one to take up being exclusively the private tutor of a young human biotic, and even more unlikely that she’d betray her employer for the girl by helping kill a bunch of guards because now she’s suddenly a convict and there’s a lot better ways of getting Kaitlin out of that situation; you mention how mean her father is without really justifying a series of homicides to get out of his clutches. It’s also one thing to have her show pitty on the girl, but it’s another to take her to the Citadel for a convenient security job. There’s a lot of really coincidental pitfalls this character’s falling into that are a bit too tidy. Keep in mind she doesn’t have any professional experience, and this asari matriarch saw her use her biotics violently once; this isn’t exactly a huge vote of confidence to have her be employed by a professional organization that presumably requires specialized training and experience as a prerequisite. Why wouldn’t Jaseena have worked for this firm in the first place? It would also come to light almost immediately that this asari and Kaitlin would be wanted for several counts of homicide by her father. -Jaseena’s really just coming across as a convenient plot device to move Kaitlin from one place to another and is conveniently discarded at the end, sending Kaitlin off alone when she has her only guardian figure abandoning her to send her to Andromeda. There’s a bunch of stuff you could have done with this a bit differently, like having Jaseena come with her, or Kaitlin being forced to leave due to her father hunting after her, but he’s never mentioned again after her escape. It feels less like a person and more like a tutorial NPC. -Given the controversial history Kaitlin has, I cannot see her being accepted into Nexus security, let alone APEX. Having a few years of security doesn’t exactly hide the fact that she was directly responsible for the deaths of several guards. -I apologize if any of this came across as particularly harsh, it wasn’t the intention. I just want you to really understand where the bio starts to fall apart and things to consider in fixing it up for future use. I hope to see you keep at it and try to refine the character into someone that feels more believable as a person and when coming up with story beats in her history to consider what the fallout would be for her actions/ the events she encounters. [/hider] [hr] So, with that out of the way, it comes the dreaded hour to announce those who's characters were accepted. The list is as follow: [@Sofaking Fancy], [@Xanadu], [@Rtron], [@The Spectre], [@Fallenreaper], [@Stormflyx], [@DJAtomika], [@Captain Jenno], [@Monochromatic Rainbow]