Ryan wondered how he could get closer without it being too unforgivably weird. Maybe he could hand over the renter's paperwork, sit beside Brendon while they went over it, play off the bumping shoulders by a purely coincidental need to conduct business. More than that he was still baffled by how different Brendon was. It's not like Ryan lived under a rock - he worked with people, had customers who were his type, saw people he thought were drop-dead gorgeous and only really thought that before moving on with his life. And it wasn't just interacting with Brendon that made the difference, he knew; even when he talked to those people, he didn't feel any urge to pursue anything, he knew he wasn't going to be around much for whatever came from it, and he didn't get enjoyment out of anything for longer than a few fleeting moments these days. Basically, anyone he found interest in, he just as quickly lost it. Nothing was good enough to capture his attention and make him want to stick around to learn more about it, or anything like that. His main goal on a day-to-day basis was to go through the motions.

But Brendon had this weird, innate allure, some air and energy about him that made Ryan want to be as close as possible just to feel that fantastic calm feeling he'd felt again, even if for a second. Everything he said was soothing - like the premise of him helping Ryan with his debts. Ryan didn't [i]want[/i] his help, he even sort of felt bad when he thought about it actually happening, but the thought that he had that cushion to fall back on and the thought that someone gave enough of a shit to offer was... unspeakable. And Ryan wasn't even sure that he'd feel that way had it been someone else, say, the bizarre fucking weed dealer who'd applied the other day. Maybe this was some kind of model thing. All along he'd thought they needed no qualifications other than 'be beautiful or at least impressively photogenic.' No, apparently these people had to have something otherworldly and arresting about them. As much as Ryan was scared of the effect Brendon had, so much so that he sort of didn't want to mess with whatever supernatural force was at hand, he also never wanted him gone, didn't want to risk him leaving the apartment and that good feeling to never come back again.

It was dramatic as hell. But Ryan hadn't felt anything other than flat for a very, very long time, so maybe dramatic was better than  nothing at all. [i]Then you don’t get out very much.[/i] Ryan looked at him in a slightly worried way, flattered again, but. The way he was acting... it sounded like he was flirting, or at least interested. Maybe it didn't mean to be and that was just how he spoke - fuck's sake, he seemed incredibly religious, so it's not like he'd be intentionally trying to win Ryan's favor. But on the off-chance that was in fact the case, and Brendon thought maybe they could have a future, Ryan was deeply concerned for him. He couldn't let him stay if he was going to get attached to a hopelessly lost cause. After a moment Ryan had to look away, couldn't say anything more to that; he hadn't felt much more than resignation when he thought about his impending disappearance before, but now he felt [i]awful,[/i] almost guilty facing Brendon when it was on his mind.

[i]I’m not much of an instrumentalist myself.[/i] People who said that usually were. When Ryan could drag his attention back to Brendon, he looked dubious, but nodded nonetheless to show he was listening. [i]I hope you can find the time to teach me.[/i] Ryan's mind drifted again. Sure, if he could find the time. His face betrayed him for a second again, looking vaguely upset and off to the wall past Brendon, and he played it off as thoughtfulness. [b]"I will,"[/b] he promised, knowing it was one he couldn't fulfill, but empty promises were sort of his specialty anyway. Everything was starting to drag him down now, although moments ago he'd been better than he had been in weeks just thanks to Brendon being here - still an unknown phenomenon he was starting to lose interest in figuring out - so he risked touching on the subject of Brendon's dad anyway, since it's not like he had a mood to kill. 

He watched Brendon's reaction carefully, how he clasped his hands almost subtly and quickly. It was just as smooth as every other thing he did, just as fluid and seamless as his usual motions. Ryan didn't wonder much, kind of getting used to his oddities by now. [i]It’s okay.[/i] Was it? Honestly? Sometimes Ryan questioned whether everyone brushed as many things off as he did, huge things that couldn't be brushed off but had to be for the sake of comfortable conversation. Or maybe other people really did just have relatively bad stuff happen to them rather than earth-shatteringly awful things. Nothing to play off, nothing to hide. Maybe he was being overdramatic - but he wondered what it was like. [i]I know.[/i] Ryan stopped and looked at him somewhat seriously - was he that obvious, did he give himself away that easily, did everyone pick up on his deepseated issues as quickly as Brendon did - but he saw Brendon trying to correct himself and remained quiet, clammy. Something about him seemed suddenly panicky, though, and Ryan would be questioning it if it didn't freak him out a little. He'd only seen the guy be effortless and elegant about everything thus far - this was new, uncharted territory.

[i]I mean.[/i] Somehow, despite his empathy failing him in every other situation, Ryan was unsettled by Brendon's sudden loss of composure, a strange feeling bubbling in his throat. [i]I think I can just, tell. Kindred spirits, in that- area.[/i] Ryan nodded, hesitant, and something told him he should be calming the fuck down but his thoughts were still whirling, thinking about people 'just telling' and about IV drips and broken glass and opaque orange pill bottles. He shouldn't have cut his visit to his dad earlier so short, fuck. And he didn't even know why that was back on his mind now, of all times. [i]It’s difficult, but we’re still here, right?[/i] Ryan stared at him for an extended moment, all of the nerves suddenly settling into one cynical feeling, something he was used to. He could've 'tch'ed and said 'yeah, right,' if he really wanted to. It was about how he felt on the matter, truthfully. In the end he nodded slowly, a small, private smile on his face. [b]"Yeah, we're still here."[/b] Just maybe not for the long run, all of us. 

The quick shift made it easy to act a little more cheerful again, sorting out his stupid wishy-washy emotions that were, for whatever reason, making a fun comeback. He finally addressed his curiosity, and Brendon looked like he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, a bit. [i]Is it really that obvious? I mean- yeah, you could say that.[/i] Ryan grinned, shrugged a little. [b]"Maybe not that obvious until you told me God spent extra time on me. It's fine - not like that's something I'll forget."[/b] Really. Most weirdly flattering thing ever. But he seemed to sabotage himself moments later, probably too revealing about his personal life - and sure Brendon probably would've figured out sooner or later, but the picture of him trying to puzzle it together was deeply uncomfortable. Ryan shut his eyes and willed his heart to stop, like, now, so he wouldn't have to deal with repercussions. [i]What do you- mean?[/i] Sounded like it was on the tip of his tongue. Ryan stayed quiet. [i]Are you..?[/i] Not really. Maybe half, or three quarters. But still. [b]"Gay? Sure. Feel free to take back all of the '[i]I'll help you with your debt[/i],' '[i]we're still here despite everything[/i]' bullshit. And you act a little fruity yourself, so I'd advise not being a total asshole about it."[/b] An invitation to go if there ever was one. He'd jumped the gun somewhat - but it's not like Ryan ever had much patience with [i]more[/i] negativity these days, even the possibility of it, so he was trying to nip this in the bud before it hurt more to think that Brendon might hate him for something out of his control.