As many ‘divine qualities’ Brendon possessed, and however much they were emphasised while he lived amongst the living world, he still found Ryan quite- intimidating. He didn’t know why- considering all he knew about him, like how casually close he was to giving up, on everything, he knew he should feel sympathy, not this faint unsettled feeling he couldn’t quite place. Maybe it was just his stature, tall and considerably well built considering the struggles he was going through. Maybe it was the look in his eyes, restless, searching, that set Brendon so on edge. He didn’t know. Either way, the faint stubborn tone of his voice made Brendon stiffen a little, losing the effortless way he held himself as his muscles tensed painfully. Although blessed with general elegance it was still always a struggle getting used to this- corporeal form he had chosen. He felt clumsy and overflowing at the seams with energy he had to contain. [i]No, it’s fine.[/i] Was it? Brendon met Ryan’s eyes, gentle, unchallenging. [i]It’s okay. Also, you’re less ‘potential’ and more ‘surefire’ by the second, trust me.[/i] Well, that was good news. It wasn’t like he just come back later in a disguise in a second attempt at inserting himself in Ryan’s life. He smiled gently, grateful.

Brendon wasn’t completely ignorant- he knew that the intense religious vibe he gave off could be unsettling to some but always forgot that it wasn’t normal behaviour to mention God every two minutes amongst most people, and that honest statements like ‘god took his time on you’ were just seen as weird and oddly specific compliments. As such he shrank a little under Ryan’s gaze, embarrassed, feeling like he was being examined, like an pretty shell on a beach, or something. He wasn’t used to attention, it was an intense feeling he couldn’t process properly, even if it was definitely more a positive thing than a negative. It wasn’t meant to be this way around, Ryan trying to figure him out in silence as Brendon stood there and squirmed, and he wished for a second that the ‘abilities’ he had whilst around people extended to, like, mind reading, which would make his entire job a lot more easy to do. Faster, too, and though the recommendation was absolutely to spend as little time with people as possible, Brendon already felt a little attached to Ryan.

Not seeing it as a huge deal, though, Brendon just pushed on, but was immediately faced by another hurdle that his complete social illiteracy made very difficult to overcome- a mention of- [i]orientation,[/i] and in his awkwardness, he stuttered over his words and panicked as Ryan’s expression fell, hardened, like a wall he hadn’t even scratched the surface of yet was reinforced already. Completely without thinking he stood up from the chair and forced himself to speak with a little more sense- he was more than prepared to pass Ryan onto someone else if it meant he could stop feeling this intense anxiety in the pit of his stomach. He forced himself to meet Ryan’s eyes, highly confused by his unhappy, tight smile, and shoved his hands tightly in his pockets, feeling very small. [i]Shit.[/i] Brendon held his breath, still feeling heavily inclined to bolt. Then Ryan looked back at him and he held his gaze again, feeling himself tremble slightly just from the tension in the air. [i]You’re right, I’m sorry- sit back down, please, I’m really sorry.[/i]

As much as he felt relief, Brendon also felt whiplash at the way this entire meeting had played out, and how defensive and confrontational Ryan was when he felt cornered. Helpful to know, yes, but terrifying to experience. He followed Ryan’s gesture, but slowly, still wary, and sat back down. [i] I'm sorry, I'm really used to people being assholes. I didn't want to...[/i] A natural empath, Brendon felt a flood of sadness at that, sort of lamenting the prejudice that Ryan had suggested that he experienced. Maybe he was wise, but not worldly-wise, only knowing about the uncomfortable air around discussions of [i]otherness[/i] outside of the world where it actually held weight in people’s lives. [b]“That’s okay,”[/b] Brendon said, softly, not sure how to comfort him or if this was something he needed to be comforted for. [i]I didn't want to let you hurt me first. But you're a good guy. I shouldn't have jumped the gun like that.[/i]

[b]“I didn’t mean to hurt you,”[/b] He said, shifting in the chair and trying to achieve a more natural looking position that sitting dead upright like he was at a formal event. Trying to relax, he brought a hand up and dragged it though his hair, holding onto it and tugging as if to try and ground himself. He watched as Ryan stood, and held his breath when Ryan held onto his arm. His touch was warm and reassuring- and Brendon cursed himself because it was his job to be that comforting presence. [b]“I just- Coming from where I do, I’ve never really- it’s not commonplace to talk about that stuff.”[/b] Vague, but Brendon hoped desperately that he understood because it was so hard to explain beyond that, especially considering his own internal and currently unaddressed struggle. 

Although deescalated, the situation still felt slightly uncomfortable and Brendon closed his eyes, tried to recalibrate and calm down, counting on it being contagious. When he opened them, he saw that Ryan was in the kitchen. [i]I may be broke, but I still have the stuff to make pretty awesome coffee. I’m making you some.[/i] Smiling, Brendon let go of his hair and folded his arms loosely, his feet now planted further apart, assuming a more relaxed position, feeling a little more positive about all of this now. [b]“Thank yIu. I can’t usually have a lot of caffeine, but- Well, I think I need the energy.”[/b] There was a silence but it was no longer tense, just a little awkward. [i]So, you’re [/i]not [i]gay? Wow. Usually I’m the expert on that.[/i] Oh, Lord, Brendon thought, looking down at the ground, then guiltily up at the sky. It’s necessary to discuss to succeed, though.

Or so went Brendon’s brief almost-prayer, more a way of lifting some of heaviness away from the complicated cocktail of emotions he felt but didn’t understand. He cleared his throat but looked back down at his feet. [b]“I don’t... I don’t really know what I am. I think-“[/b] Brendon looked up and searched out eye contact, knowing that transparency was the best option here. With Ryan, at least- with God, not so much. [b]“I think you’re very handsome.”[/b]