[b]Manhattan, New York
September 2014[/b]

Daniel looked down at his watch. He had been sitting in this bloody church for three hours going on forty. Taking confession was by far his least favorite priestly duty, but he was required to log a certain number of hours for seminary. He slumped down in his chair trying to get in some position to wake up his numb ass. This embroidered, purple monstrosity was a poor excuse for a cushion. He sat with his back to a portable screen, facing the altar. Everyone who came in walked up to the small prayer bench on the other side and knelt with clasped hands and heavy hearts to be absolved.

The first hour directly followed morning prayer and was the busiest. It was full of the older crowd, the only ones other than red-faced business men that were easily up at that ungodly hour in Manhattan. With the women it was always about guilt and how it manifested itself in their interactions with others. How they secretly cursed them, envied them, or otherwise wished them ill. For the men, it was usually out of fear over anything else. They were afraid their wife was going to find out, they were afraid their livers were going to fail, they were afraid of losing their jobs. Everyone was under the misguided assumption that they were baring themselves before God. In reality, he always saw it as people just trying to get right with themselves, or feel better about the choices they made somehow.

The second hour had brought in some people that were clearly uncomfortable and nervous. Their voices were shaky and they had trouble bringing their thoughts to their lips. These people usually confessed to not having regularly attended church or been lacking in their responsibilities to their faith.

The third hour was nothing. Mid-morning meant quiet time. Everyone had gone to work or started their daily routines. Dan's eyelids started to get heavy. It might have been considered blasphemous, but he imagined what better things he could be doing right now. He could be practicing on his banjo. He could be spending time with family or friends. He could be reading alone in his room. He could be--

“Um. Excuse me. Are you there?” A woman had snuck up on him and quietly lowered herself down on the bench. Feeling out of place, she tried not to disturb anything.

Dan's head shot back up so quickly that he banged it on the back of the wooden chair. He sucked in air and winced while trying to rub the pain away.

“Yes, I'm here. Go ahead.” She noticed his perturbed tone. He was thinking more about his head than he was about the person on the other side. Daniel forced himself to sit up straight and shook his head back and forth to try and wake himself up.

“Well... how do I say this? I guess.. um...” The woman, with fingers laced started to fidget a bit. Her palms were sweaty.

“Don't be nervous. Just go ahead.” She sounded young. It was odd to hear at this time of day, or even at all. Confused, he just wished the woman would hurry up. Maybe he could sneak out early and take a nap.

“Well, I've never done this before. I've never been to this church before. I wanted to--”

“Why are you here then?” Daniel cut her off, trying to get her to the point quickly. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back once more.

“Well, I live kind of nearby. I'm wondering... is it possible for a person like me to be forgiven?” His tone and short temper did nothing to calm her nerves, but she tried to stay strong. She had passed by the church several times before, always wanting to come in, but never had. Her family wasn't religious and what little she had heard from her friends over the years made the whole faith-thing sound ridiculous.

Dan rolled his eyes. She wasn't giving him much to go on. “Well, that all depends. Why don't you just go ahead and tell me what's bothering you? We'll worry about the forgiveness part after.” It was the best answer he could come up with at the time. The woman reminded him of his sister, always slightly unsure of herself, always afraid of what people thought of her.

She sat in silence trying to summon her courage for a few moments. She looked around the church. It was dead silent. The only others in there were both at the back kneeling before the votives in prayer. Surely they would not be able to hear her. She made an audible gulp before continuing. “I had an abortion. Can I be forgiven for something like that?”

Daniel finally shut up. He heard her sniffle. Just before he opened his mouth to give her some monotonous speech about how Anglicans felt about abortion, she started again.

“It was my step father's. He attacked me. I tried. I really tried to feel differently about it. To make myself bring it to term... but I was only sixteen. I didn't know what to do. And the thought of...” Her voice was cracking. She anxiously wiped away any tears that fell, slightly frustrated that she was crying this many years later. She'd been through therapy for all of this.

Daniel froze at the words this time. His heart started racing and he felt as if it wanted to pop out of his chest [b]Aliens[/b] style. It suddenly got unbearably hot. He tugged at his starched collar. He was truly speechless now. Thoughtless, even.

“The thought of... I hated it. It was a parasite. The shame. It was eating me alive. Sucking away at my life force. Now I just wonder. I wonder every time I see a mother and child in the street or at the park. Should I have kept it?” She shook her head and slowly brought it down to rest between her forearms. 

Daniel just stayed silent. He'd never taken a confession like this before. He'd never heard of anything like this before. Growing up in Kentucky, he lived a fairly sheltered life. Once he got to college he of course got more sexual experience. And no one left college without learning about date rape or hearing stories.

“So, is it possible for someone like [i]me[/i] to be forgiven?” She waited a few moments for an answer. A few moments turned into a minute. She started to get ancy and began fidgeting again. “Well, can I?!” She raised her voice, but not so loud as to echo throughout the sanctuary.

Daniel snapped himself out of it despite all of the thoughts and emotions going through his head. He answered quickly.“Yes! You're forgiven! God is with you!” Somehow he had found his way to his feet and into a standing position. He put his index and middle fingertips to the corners of his right eye. It felt wet and sticky. He looked forward and his vision was blurry. [i]Am I crying?[/i]

“Thank you, Father.” His words, though quick and to the point gave her some comfort. She wiped her tears and even smiled slightly as she stood. She was feeling hopeful. Her boot heels echoed on the floor as she made her way back to the entrance.

Daniel's head was still caught in the clouds, somewhere way up high. He listened as the sound of her heels got further and further away. He broke anonymity and came out from behind the screen in just enough time to see her back as she walked through the door frame. Long brown hair and an auburn wool coat. [i]WAIT,[/i] he wanted to scream, but something held him back. Perhaps his priestly vows, or perhaps something else...

The experience stuck with him the rest of the day. He wondered how many others were out there like her. It made him sad, but also angry. But what was he supposed to do? Later that night he got a text from one of his seminary buddies.

[i]Open mic night at Fox's. Bring your guitar. Ladies luv that.[/i] He half chuckled.

[i]Not really feeling it tonight. Long day. Maybe tmrw.[/i]

[i]Come on bro! It'll get your mind off school.[/i]

[i]All right. What time?[/i]

[i]9. Don't be late & don't wear ur collar.[/i]

Maybe his friend was right. If Dan needed anything at the moment, it was to get that woman and her past off of his mind.
_____

“Drrriiiinnkkk iiittt!” Nothing like peer pressure to get you drunk. This was the fourth shot that had been shoved in his face. He put the tiny glass up to his lips, threw his head back and downed it with a grimace. His two buddies, Jim and Dave, gave him a slap on the back. It wasn't hard to tell when Daniel was down. He wore the depressed look well.

“Who the hell does shots of scotch?” Yes, Daniel knew it was the preferred drink of Episcopal priests, but it was meant to be enjoyed slowly, and preferably on the rocks.

“We do!” Said Jim. “And do us a favor. Keep up the broody attitude, will ya? You're getting a lot of attention!” He tilted his head back over his shoulder at a table of women who had been trying to make eye contact. Daniel had been ignoring them, but Jim and Dave were determined to get laid. Women like that weren't his type.

“Come on. Let's go over!” When Dave smiled you could see both rows of his teeth. “Let's go!” Jim chimed in. They each took one of Dan's sleeves and tried to get him up off of the bar stool.

“Nah. Not in the mood. You guys go. I'll play somethin'. Get some good vibes goin'.” He tried to smile back at them, but it was obviously fake.

“All right. Good idea!” They both chuckled before turning and heading off. Daniel sighed. That seemed almost too easy. He took his guitar from it's case and stood slowly. He knew he was going to feel the effects of the alcohol soon. Dan tried his best to walk a straight line to the 'stage,' which was really nothing more than a small area cleared of tables and chairs with a bar stool and stand up mic. He sat down and began tuning his guitar.

“This goes out to a very special lady.”
_____

Five minutes later he was back at the bar waving down the tender. “Do y’all have cherry tree? Original Sin?” It was a favorite cider of his. He turned his attention back to his friends, watching them laugh and flirt from afar. When the cider came he didn't hesitate and downed half the pint without even thinking. He was starting to feel warm and gooey. His eyelids got slightly heavier. He felt good. Relaxed. Finally able to start taking his mind off of the days events. He crossed both forearms over the bar in between he and his cider and sat his chin atop his hands. He watched the bubbles rise.

“You have a really great voice. Where's that accent from?” A woman had taken a seat next to him.

He furled his eyebrows. That voice sounded familiar. His eyes moved to the left corners of his sockets as he tried to sneak a peak with his periphery. [i]Wait a tick... it's her![/i] He shot up and turned to face her straight on. Long brown hair. Auburn wool coat draped over the bar next to her beer. He stared at her a few moments, taking in the view. She had a beautiful face and nice curves. Was it possible she could be here? Now that he thought back to her confession, he did remember her saying she lived in the neighborhood. It wasn't totally inconceivable that she would be here. He put his right hand to the back of his head and rubbed a few times. It was a nervous habit.

“Is everything ok?” She tilted her head to the side and smiled.

“Oh. Uh. Yeah. Sorry.” To see her here, smiling, was strange to him. If it really was her. “Kentucky. Paducah, Kentucky... is where I'm from.”

“Ah. I have some relatives in Tennessee. The accent is pretty similar!”

“Just don't say that to anyone ELSE from Kentucky. They might take offense.” He mustered the most charming smile he could.

“Oh, is that a fact?” She laughed before brushing her hair behind her ears.

“Yeah, but don't worry. I won't tell anyone you said so. Secret's safe with me.” The voice was definitely a match.
_____

They continued their conversation to closing time at which point Dan asked if he could walk her home. He was worried about her going alone this late. She refused saying it was only a few blocks away, but he took her anyway. When they got to her building Daniel stood at the bottom of the steps and watched her walk up. After she turned the key she looked back at him.

“Well, it was nice getting to know you. Will I see you around?” Her eyes told him she was tired, but her smile told him she was excited about the possibility.

“Yeah. I'll be around. I live close.” He bounced on his toes a bit.

“All right. See you.” She waved at him before turning and walking in. She closed the door slowly, keeping her face in the crack so she could see him until the last second. She had butterflies in her stomach. She hadn't felt that in a long time.

The feeling was mutual. He stood there staring at the door for a few minutes before he finally turned and began walking back to the dormitory. He realized a block later that he hadn't even gotten her name.

He remembered some words his preacher had given him while he tried to cope with the death of his grandparents as a teen. [i]Gods wisdom is infinite and unknown.[/i] Daniel became a regular at the bar.