Cedar was not feeling well. Physically, he was just fine, but emotionally-- mentally.. He was not well.

His thoughts kept returning to the memory of all those people.. Humans... So many humans... So many... More than he had ever seen at one time even, and every one of them-- all of them-- Jeering. Celebrating. Hooting and yelling in insane pleasure... At the gruesome death of a man who could not fight back, and who had already been defeated. Screamed with ecstasy as he was literally pulled apart by horses, who in all likelihood, had no idea what they were doing, and were probably terrified of the ordeal. A reality that just added another level of horror to what he had just observed.

And under all of it... What those people were... That's what his dad was.  What half of he himself was. It terrified him. Worried him. Sickened him.

More-- He could not even comprehend how they could have such feelings-- but clearly-- all of them-- ALL OF THEM! they all had the same reaction, at the exact same time, the exact same way and yet... He did not.

He could not.

His thoughts retreated into memory, seeking an answer.  It was back at home again; That same day he and his brother first heard the words "Bear-Fucker" and "Bastard Mongrel," and been told, brutally, what that meant by a score of cruel, and mean spirited children.

("[color=7bcdc8]Papi... Wut am I?[/color]")

He remembered asking that question to his father back then, tears streaming down the sides of his face, wetting the fur in dark patches. His voice wavering and high pitched with childhood.

("[color=a36209]Whaddya mean, li'l wun?[/color]") his dad had asked, gentle, and soothing.

("[color=7bcdc8]... Wut.... [i]AM[/i] ...I... Papi? .. I'm not wut you is papi.. I'm not! .. They tol' me I'm not!! [/color]")

His voice had become lost in the feral mixed species-cries of a distraught child: A dissonant blend of a child's shrieking tears, with a bear cub's terrified and wounded calls.

It had taken several seconds for his father to answer, though his actions spoke more clearly.  He had gathered him into his arms, held him tightly, and nuzzled the top of his head, while rocking him gently.

("[color=a36209]You muh son... 'Ats wut you is... An' alwayz will beh...[/color]")

He thought the answer was a shitty answer then, but he lacked the language or experience to say it. He had just cried harder, while his father held him close.

It had been shortly after that, that he had asked about the things the kids had said about them-- he and his brother-- and what that meant about their mom and dad, and how they came to be.  Why his dad was with their mom. Why they were here. Why they weren't like the other children. --Why they didn't live in the town.

He pushed the memory aside.  He knew the answer to those questions, but he had unrelenting doubts about if his father... a full blooded human, like every other that had jeered out there in the streets.. Would he have jeered? Did he understand this terrible thing?... Did he feel such terrible things?... COULD he?  What did he really mean, about "Leaving his humanity behind a long time ago?" If he wasn't human inside anymore, what was he?

What did that make he, himself?

He didn't have answers. --NEEDED answers.

That childhood voice echoed in his thoughts over and over.

("[color=7bcdc8].. Papi... Wut am I?[/color]")

Angrily, he shoved the pain of those memories-- these feelings-- these doubts-- out of his mind. He didn't want anything to do with the kind of cruelty humans could inflict.  It was one thing when a single human showed signs of such madness-- Even the old hunter had embarked on a singularly mad quest to kill his friend's killers, but that he could at least partially wrap his head around.  Those people would simply go on to kill more people still, and ending them, made sense. The degree to which old Reinhold had taken to it did not-- but again, a single human losing its mind, was not hard to accept.

He had just seen an entire city, lose its mind. In unison.

That such violence; such perverse mentality could be inside each and every one of them, and come out all at once like that.. 


He wanted to be as far away from that madness right now as possible.

He hastened his pace, practically jogging to the stables.  That was as likely a place as any to find this "Horse" he was supposed to have been awarded.  Another mind-- Any other mind that wasn't a humans--- He needed to feel the comfort of thoughts he understood. Thoughts that were sensible, and sane.  To feel that the world was still sane! Horses might not be the brightest creatures, but they weren't usually completely mad... Like the world outside the gates was.

His thoughts momentarily dwelled on the two sentries on the ramparts.

... Even inside the gates.

He hoped he did not have to speak to anyone. He DID NOT want to talk to humans right now, especially if they were continuing the madness.

At the rate he was moving, it didn't take long to reach his destination.  In alarm and dismay, he sighted the heavy and bulky bodied, bearded and mustachioed man from the night before. He was busy fussing with an ornate looking saddle, cleaning and polishing the leather.  Cedar did NOT want to talk to him, but knew he had to.

"[color=7bcdc8]Dis where dey keepin' our horses at?[/color]" he asked tersely and irritably.

The man looked up as if only just now realizing that a talking bear had walked up to, and greeted him.

"What?-- h... What?" the man stammered, first trying to process being spoken to by a bear, and then trying to process the question he had been asked.  A look of dawning recollection crossed his bearded face, while Cedar scowled. He didn't have the energy to deal with this man being an ignorant, bigoted moron.

"[color=7bcdc8]DEH HORSES, DUMMY. Deh wunz we was awarded. Ya know-- By deh KING? Deh guy as own's 'is big arsed rockslide 'e call's a 'ouse? I'm 'ere ta see deh wun 'ats mine![/color]"

The man blinked at the rudeness the bear was projecting at him, showing equal parts confusion, bewilderment, indignation, and anger as it collided with shock, awe, understanding, and fear.

"You--- You must be the one that has the BIG one..."

"[color=7bcdc8]Ya don' say...[/color]" Cedar scowled back at the man, mocking the stupidity of such an obvious question with acidic disdain and growing less patient by the second. He did NOT want to talk to this man-- ANY man.

"it... It's this way--- Last stall at the end....." blithered the man, rattled.  Cedar ignored his mannerisms, and simply started striding into the livery, toward the indicated destination.

"You aren't going to... Eat it.. are you?"

The look cedar gave the man could have shattered glass, curdled milk, taken 10 years off a person's life, and withered flowers--- but all it really did was turn the man's face a languid pallor as all the blood drained from it in terror, before sending him clutching his chest as he scrambled back out of the livery, and out to where he had left the saddle he had been cleaning.

"[color=7bcdc8]GO AWAY![/color]" he bellowed at the man angrily, then suddenly felt very sheepish. Even apologetic.  This was not like him at all. 

Just more proof he needed to be far away from humans right now.

He took a deep breath. Paused a moment, then walked more slowly toward the last stall at the end. Spooked and worried horses flared their nose at him and stamped hooves as he passed.

Finally, he came to the last stall on the end.  Inside was a truly massive looking horse. A stud-horse, from the smell of it. It looked at him less worried, but with its ears back.  It was more... Confident. Big as it was, it was less afraid of him, and for some reason, that made him feel better. It simply radiated an intent to kick the shit out of him, if he was stupid enough to go inside the stall. Cool and confident in its own ability to do so.

He looked around the livery's access run, before finding a rain barrel at the far end. He dumped it over, rolled it up just outside the stall, turned it open end down, then sat on it like a stool before leaning on the wall, looking the horse in its big, wary eyes.. Feeling his thoughts and its melt together in the way 'the connection' afforded.

It was a wonderful, and welcome experience-- the horse's wary bewilderment and naked confusion being so much better for him, than the cloying demands his active mind kept clawing at him with. The simplicity of this creature's thoughts was like cool water. It's alarm at the tempest raging just behind the thin veil he kept it at bay with-- welcome. Understandable. Wonderfully understandable.

He sat there for quite a long time.  Just feeling.  Feeling with his horse. Trying to make sense of the incomprehensible.. Right along beside it.

Together.