Chapter 1: Constructing a life

[i] "Happy are the meek" Matthew 5:5 [/i]

[i] Beep Beep Beep Beep [/i]

The sound of tractors and excavators fill and flood the area with loud sounds. Workers and laborer's are having conversation, hooing at the women walking by, and being derogative by their very nature. the construction site is filled with various materials and walking hazards. And there I am, slaving away in the dreadful heat, the sun beating down on me as I keep to myself, digging trenches in the dirt for pipes to be laid down in them. 

As I sweat and observe the area, I continue asking myself "how in the world did I end up here?"

But I knew the answer to that. I was being facetious to myself, trying to pretend that I knew nothing of the events that had transpired. A better question I needed to ask was "Why did I do what I did?" As I stand here staring at dirt around me, I would think about what had gotten me to this point. 

[hr]

For many years of my life and even to this point in time, I did not know how to feel contempt with myself. They say the best way to be something is to fake it till you make it. I have been following that mentality as if that was a guideline, my true path to real happiness. I would always put on this persona, putting on this fake smile, enacting a happy-go-lucky attitude that everyone would find so endearing and admirable. I would be outgoing to others, and develop some friendships which I had always sincerely held dear in my heart. But deep inside I unable to feel pleasure or satisfaction from anything. Anhedonia, as my psychologist would call it. I had feelings, that I knew for certain, but I always held this resentment for myself, feelings as if I didn't deserve any blessings, relationships, or accomplishments I have earned. A unexplainable guilt or shame that wasn't warranted by anything I had done up to this point. I would explore various outlets, whether it was considered good or bad, just to see if I could feel something different from this concurrent depressive episode I was going through. Then one day, just a little over a year ago, an addiction found me. Something I never searched or hunted for before, something I was exposed to unexpectingly, and ironically justified all the feelings I was going through.

When I had first experienced it, I was initially shocked and horrified, unable to comprehend anything. I had avoided all avenues related to it for weeks on end. I was absolutely sick to my stomach. But as time went on, I began thinking about it more. I had experienced something that was different from my current attitude. It was a feeling of fear, uncertainty, and curiosity. Almost like a form of excitement that only a taboo could bring. I started to explore it some more, and before I knew it, it became a secret that you could never mention to anyone, a secret in which you were absolutely disgusted by, had shame for and always denied to acknowledge it in order to receive help. A Secret where if anyone found out, you would receive judgement and resentment for the rest of your life, but something that you wanted to reveal so you can have some relief, and maybe finally move on with your life, but too scared of the consequences. 

For a whole year, I was going through a cycle of quitting and restarting this kind of drug, kept on telling myself this immorality did not defined me. But for some reason or another, I kept going back. I cried whenever I did, and started repeating statements to myself. [i] you are a monster. You are a horrible person. You don't deserve anything.[/i] I pretended nothing was wrong in the real world, but people would start to acknowledge that I was acting different than the persona I was already putting up. I was not as "happy" as I would be, I was more drained of energy, I kept on forgetting important events and situations. I was becoming weaker than I was already was. But I couldn't tell anyone anything. Eventually, it all caught up to me. I was arrested for my actions, something I was manifesting since the very beginning when it all happened. I was relieved that it was finally out in the open, but also horrified at the thought of it. All the shame, guilt, and resentment I had toward myself boiled up, and I am finally in the lowest point in my life. 

I'm currently in the process right now. My parents say I will be ok and that my situation is temporary. My sister tells me I am still a good man. My lawyer says the worst is already over. But I know better. Even if nothing comes out and I will be able to live my life as I had before, I will be working towards redemption for the rest of my life, and maybe never will be able to reach it. I hid this from people, lied to myself, lied to others, and I know I had really hurt everyone I had loved upon this discovery, something I will never be able to make up to them again. I had officially lost everyone. My friends could not condone my actions, were disappointed in me, and don't want to be associated with me anymore. I am just lucky to have my family supporting me. But even then, I am lost in crossroads. I don't know what I will be able to do anymore, nor if I would have the motivation to actually do it. 

I try to tell myself I am not that bad of a guy. "I never assaulted anyone in my life. Never murdered, raped, solicited, molested, stole, nothing. I have never hurt anyone in my life." All of that statement was true except for one part. I have hurt people. Never physically, but emotionally. At this point, I don't want forgiveness, nor am I looking to be judged. I don't want condolences, nor am I here to justify any of my actions. I just want to figure out how to actually be happy.

[hr]

As I am lost in thought, I am back to reality. "HEY, get back to work. We need to set down the pipes soon!"

Thats right, I still had a job that needed to be done. At [i] least [/i] I had a job right now, though it was never something I wanted to be doing or thought I would be doing to begin with. As my father said, I am going through repentance right now, and it was all temporary. But how temporary was this for me? I hadn't the slightest clue.

As I continue digging through the trenches, I was distracted by a worker who was singing. He was singing a nursery rhyme, [i] ol' my darling [/i]. And he was cheerful, happy. He looked as if he was in his late fifties, scrawny, and covered in mud. I was confused, not understanding why he was in such a jolly mood. This type of work would be dreadful for most men, and even then, they wouldn't be singing at all. A man like this would probably be passed out right now and dehydrated. I figured he was delusional and hallucinating from the heat. I then told him to take five and drink some water, I didn't want him to be passing out on me, nor did I want it on my conscious to say nothing and something did happen. 

"Naw man, I be good. Just clippin' along"

He spoke in slang, and by the way he spoke to me and the lack of annunciation, I assumed he was homeless, just trying to pass by with his current situation. I felt bad for him, so offered him to take the orange I brought for lunch that day and to take a small break before continuing. At the very least it was something I could offer. He was ecstatic to hear that, grateful for the offer. He then made a statement, "S'ank you very much! Bless the lord for d'is day and for the offer!". This confused me, honestly. Here was this man living in poverty, probably little to nothing in his name, and still living joyously, praising God. I knew of religion, but I never considered myself to be a religious person in general. It got me thinking, but I wanted to know this man's secret. If he could be happy and joyous with very little, then why then, me who has so much privileges' in general, can't? I had decided to speak to him during actual lunch to kind of understand his story. Thankfully, he was very open about it and I was able to gain some insight. Though to be honest, he also frightened me a bit with it.

"back when's I was twenties, I ran a drug king pin out ofs chicagos. I was very profitable and was runnings many different avenues of drugs and contraband. Thens I's was arrested for murder, spent 10 years in prisons for it. Whens I was out, I continued me business cause' thats alls I know. But overs time, I couldn't continue. I hurt people left and right, and always had da blue on my back. I had 8 children and 7 baby mamas that I couldn't take cares of anyone. I quit everything, and since thens I been homeless. But I never returned to that life. Instead, I embraced God, found his word. No matter who says anythings of me, only he can judge me. He blesses me to wake up, with enough to live on, and to enjoy his blessings. No one can take that away from me's now."

When he finished explaining his story, I was honestly bewildered. This man lived a worse life than most, far worse than mine ever was, yet he was able to find the simple pleasures in life. I was envious honestly, not understanding the story that was told. But it me thinking about the main message. Like I mentioned, I am not a religious man, but maybe if I could understand more, I would be able to understand the message and really find a way to redemption, to figure out a purpose for myself and know what it means to be "successful". I guess its one step at a time at this point in my life. I don't know exactly where to go, or what's really going to transpire, but it is worth a shot I suppose. 

I guess this is a renewal in my life, and I am constructing a new chapter now. I don't know what to do or how to find it, but if a man like this could find happiness, then why can't I? I have a lot of work I need to do moving forward, but hopefully I can figure out something. This is the start of my new life, and I desire to prosper in it. This way, I may know what it may be like to actually find peace.