Chapter 3: The Four A's

[i] "Nothing can be changed until it is faced" - James Baldwin [/i]

Since the pandemic occurred back in 2020, I have been facing and addressing many demons. There were some times where I felt better about myself, and there were many other times I would fall into the abyss of my own subconscious, thinking back to to the people I've communicated with, things I have said that were not appropriate, or the actions and decisions I had made that affected my life completely. I didn't want to acknowledge the past, but there was always something that brought me back to it, and it would fill me with guilt and remorse. This has been especially true within the past year, where all of my demons started haunting me. Instead of moving forward with my life and leaving the past behind, I have been greatly unsatisfied with work, crumbled friendships, and let the past influence and affect my future and decisions I made. I started justifying it in my mind, essentially saying [i] "I am this, therefore I cannot change no matter how hard I try." [/i]Can't say I don't deserve it though. After all, you end up reaping what you sow, and I ended up planting and supporting a garden filled with weeds and parasites where nothing beneficial prospered and didn't necessarily appreciated what I had.

I eventually had to face the facts, that willpower and overcoming obstacles by yourself isn't enough. I still have trouble coming to terms about that, but I at least had to make an effort. So at the start of this year in 2024, I decided to have joined a support group. My psychologist recommended I try something called "Celebrate Recovery", a men's centered support group for a variety of addictions and ongoing problems. I have to say, despite what my problems were, there are many others who have it way worse than I. Here I am surrounded by a group of the sexually immoral, drug addicts and former drug kingpins, murderer's, alcoholics, and probably the clinically insane. It's just a hunch though. I wouldn't want to mess with any of them outside the gathering place given their testimonies and experiences. But what is relieving to say is that no matter what issues you may face or gone through, they are all set on the number one principle, which is complete anonymity and confidentiality. These men come here with complete confidence and acknowledgments that they are troubled, and are truly coming to terms that whatever past involvements they were in, they are able to decide that their past does not reflect them at all, that it doesn't represent who they are today, and they were able to find success despite their shortcomings and failures. I wish to reach a point where I am able to truly move forward and have that mindset myself. To just be better. I could only hope.

One of the leaders of the group states that you have to respect and implement the four A's, a series of statements in order to develop into your true and future self. The first A is to "Assess the current situation". Honestly easier said then done. I am currently in a hivemind of negative thoughts and emotions stemming from the position I am standing in. I am down in the dumps, currently going through a legal process, characterized and labeled by negative persecutions of society and the court of public opinion, lost my career, and struggling to stay afloat among the war I am facing. At the very least I have to try to put a neutral or positive spin on this, otherwise I would only repeat the same mistakes I had made in the past and wouldn't want to put in the effort thinking that the battles are too great to overcome. As I am writing this, I am having trouble doing so, but at the very least this is what I am able to come up with: I am facing many little battles, I suffer from depression, anxiety, and anhedonia, whatever I was doing did not serve my highest good, I am here, I am alive, I have blessings that many wish to have. I am starting anew. There are many facets that need to be acknowledged, but at the very least this is a good place to start, and the rest will come with time.

The second A is to "Adjust what needs to be done". Unironically, I had already started this step in of itself by joining a support group, despite my reservations of it. I am seeing a psychiatrist, and psychologist, learning more of mental addictions and disorders, using my resources as efficiently as possible, and striving to adapt to the new life and career opportunities. Also, it is to mention that life may return to normal once my legal process is dismissed, but that would be superficial, and not really "changing" who I was and what I really want to be. I aim to be as transparent as possible, where I don't need to keep secrets anymore. I need to adjust my attitude, not be as negative or emotionally distraught all the time. And I want to be a better person, not plagued by my negative emotions and actions which would be considered evil in nature that does not or will ever define me despite my bad habit of self labeling. This would take time, and I am not sure how much time is needed. All I know is that I am here, and I am trying to make an effort.

The third A is to "Admire yourself for having the strength to start again". As a self-loathing Grinch who has a specific time schedule of wallowing in self pity and staring into the abyss, this is going to take some time to get used to. How can a monster admire themselves for starting over without always thinking and being labeled as who they once were? Once evil, always evil, right? Then again, it is in fairy tales and stories in which the villain is just being misunderstood. For this analogy, I would like to think about the movie Megamind, a "villain" who was never inherently evil, but was always perceived to be by society. Therefore, he adapted into that persona and did bad things just because I was expected to. All he wanted was to be acknowledged, whether it was good or bad, but in the end, he became the hero because he really did care about doing the right thing. I know for a fact that life doesn't work out like how the movies or storybooks do, but the same concept could be applied here. I have to learn that just because you did a bad thing, doesn't make you a bad person or always have to be a bad person, but rather the intentions behind you actions define who you are. It doesn't matter if people really know, all you have to know is that you, yourself, are making the effort, and not everyone needs to know about it. It comes from inside, not from the outside, and that's what I need to come to terms about.

The last A of this exercise is to "Act quickly to implement your new course of action". Little did I know I was following these steps,  as explained above. I have assess and acknowledge the issue, find a solution, accept and admire yourself for taking those steps, and be brave enough to put it in action. Every time I am in this support group, I am following the four A's. The rest and addressing my emotions will take time, but with the steps I am taking, I am in the right steps of doing so. Even writing these excerpts really help, because I am writing and acknowledging my real emotions and real events that are transpiring. Even if I leave some stuff hidden due to obvious legal reasons, everything I am saying here is the truth, not fictitious or exaggerated. Its really therapeutic in a way, as if I am writing a book. I have experienced a lot of things, heard many opinions, and suffered many consequences. As much as it helps me writing this, maybe it can help you too. As I am learning now more than ever, the demons you are facing or struggles you have, you are not going through it alone. There are many people with many stories, similar experiences, and similar emotions. No one will ever truly know what you may be feeling or going through, but at the very least it can give you peace of mind that your fight is not yours alone, and there are others who been in the same boat as you, and hearing how they are handling it or moving forward can give you ideas to do the same. Just a thought. 

I will be continuing writing about my thoughts and experiences for as long as I can. It may give you insight, or maybe you just enjoy reading them. But hopefully it can be something you can find ideas or advice in as you move forward in your own story. So thank you.