"You... did," Bella says, "Run away, I mean."

Lying. The desire not to. Lying. Lying. Bella's grip on Ember tightens until it's painful for both of them. She forgets how to breathe; she numbers the dead once more. It takes a soft, warm hand on hers to restore her, and when she looks down she sees Ember's liquid eyes trying with full bravery to look into hers.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to--"

"No," Bella cuts her off, "You should hear this."

Knowing every physical reaction that went into lying made Bella one of the best practitioners of the art anywhere in the galaxy. She did it all the time, even from childhood. But being skilled at something and it being easy weren't the same thing. The need to carefully shut down specific parts of her body to keep them from triggering detectable reactions was stressful in the extreme. To someone like Mynx who knew even more intimately than she did what that looked like she was even more obvious the more effort she put into being subtle. And Ember... had the potential. To see through her. It sent rigid terror down Bella's spine.

The gnawing hunger she felt just now, hearing those words. The desire to explain everything, all at once, and drag her Dany back into the world exactly the way she remembered her. And she [i]did[/i] remember her. Perfectly. Artemis had triggered the reset herself, in the kind of exacting detail that only she cared about. The distinction of the memories between the Praetor Bella and the demigod Mosaic were clearer than crystal inside her mind. But if she admitted that... if she admitted that, it meant.

Pain. Pain for Ember, pain for her. Was it so wrong to take the middle path? Was it a crime to leave the most important person in the universe in the dark, where she earnestly believed in weddings and true love and even her horror scenarios were just that little bit sweet? Was it evil to let Redana dream? Just for a while longer? Or forever, if she could manage it. 

Still. Lying. The stress of it made her tail bush and her claws crush silverware to dust. To do that, forever if she must...

"You didn't run from [i]me[/i]. You just ran. Because..."

She closes her eyes. Sucks air as deep into her lungs as it will go, and pulls the scent of the feast and of her, her, her, her -- say it now -- her [i]bride[/i] along with it. She holds these things in her lungs. Half-truths. Those were always easier to maintain. She sighs.

"Lord Hades told you our," she bites her lip, "Marriage would be... cursed. If you didn't find Gaia, the lost birthplace of our Empire. Everything about our relationship would be chains and misery, woven by your mother. Unwittingly. She... it's complicated. I've still got blurs where I can't piece the details together. But I know she didn't want you going. But you left anyway. You just did such a shitty job of explaining why that I thought you'd dumped me."

It's a bitter laugh that escapes her this time. She holds onto Ember as if afraid she'll vanish into nothing if she lets go, even as she reaches to feed herself some of the crab she's been neglecting all this time. It's been so long since she's sat down and actually eaten real food. She'd almost forgotten what it felt like. The flaky, sweet flesh and the pockets of juice that burst against her tongue. She swallows, and she flushes hot with embarrassment when she notices the sound rising from her throat.

"The, the point is we're not married, Ember. Not, not yet. But, when we, find Gaia, then..."

Bella trails off in failure. It's too much. She can't do it. Handing the wish back is the same as crushing the new life she felt so suddenly desperate to hold onto. Even though no part of her monstrous life deserved to. She tilts her head to look up at the sky. Trying so hard to see the stars she and Dany had imagined from inside the Palace walls as children. The ones she tried to paint, to keep her Princess' feet on the miserable ground with her. The ones she'd destroyed in a fit of rage. The ones she'd made again when she was completely alone and had nothing else to convince her to attempt sailing the True Sea one last time.

The same childish stars she so desperately wants Ember to see, too. That she can never explain, for fear of harming the one thing she wants to protect more than all the rest of the galaxy combined. The tears that streak down her face have no explanation. They cannot be allowed to.