@Tali Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge. I reviewed your CS, before posting but I totally missed that. Okay what I need you to do is just insert him into the scene you already posted. I'll change his name to Torbil and then we should be fine. Normally I'd delete but I like the NPC and he is necessary to bring Delphi and Clarissa into the thick of the plot.

@Ichthys There are multiple lines of action happening right now, almost to many. You should be able to find a way to hook him into one of these. Maybe he frequent's the Hole, maybe he hangs around the brothel and will become involved when the Iron Police raid it. Lots of stuff going on. Don't be timid, grab any NPC whose not a major villain and use them. Just keep them in character.

Think of a story like a gear train. Your post was good, but it's just one gear spinning by itself. You need to thread other elements from the story in. Then the gear teeth mesh and they all start spinning together.

@All Excellent example of what I was talking about with Tali. I made a mistake which could have amplified into a major paradox, but it was caught before it got out of control. Never be afraid to speak up if you notice an error or an inconsistency.