Unfortunately Scout, I am Southern English and I am going to school in Northern France, so therein lies the obligation :P I have to agree with you about Paris. If you've got a day or two to kill with no time constraints it can be pretty magical, but if you're just trying to get across it, it's such a pain.

If you're going for Dick Van Dike-esque cockney you've got it pretty spot on to be honest :P I was raised in Oxfordshire, so think more Ben Kingsley or Hugh Laurie. There are a huge number of completely different accents in England alone, which is a little frightening considering how it's about the same size as California.

A bit of French? Try me.