WRPGC#1: Awakening! Discussion Thread

[RomanAria]

WRPGC#1: Discussion!

Okay, so – real talk here.

I’m floored by the response to this contest. I was thinking realistically we’d have four entries this time around, maybe five? But… seven. We had /seven/ entries for a contest that only ran two days. I just… I can’t… I… wow. You guys.

Anyway, sorry, I’m rambling. Because I did a derp and forgot to ask everyone for anon/nonymity preferences, unless it was specified in the PM I am going to assume anonymity and allow people to claim their entries.

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As a reminder, the prompt was awakening and the form was Shakespearean sonnet.

Self Abused

Am I being a nuisance once again?
Please do forgive my constant morbid thoughts,
I've made this room my own permanent den,
This mind will be around until it rots.

How long will it take until I am dead,
Starve and bruise and beat and cut my body,
These voices constantly rattle my head,
I dont want my death to be too gaudy.

I'm so sorry that I'm such a burden,
In all this time with you I haven't seen,
That the pain I have caused you is a ten,
To hurt you anymore I am not keen.

I'll leave now, so I cant cause injury,
Far away from this life that I have known,
I'm not coming back, please dont search for me,
I know now that just skulls adorn my throne.

It has finally awakened, you see,
I'll cut myself out of reality.

Julie

Julie, 1965–2015

Paris treated her like his wee princess,
Trapped at the top of a Red Road tower
To slave and serve and pour pints of Guinness.
Treacle-coloured bruises: not so sweet, sour;
She flees Balornock to find something new.
‘Love is not love,’ she says, aghast, appalled,
'Til with sapphic smiles in The Waterloo,
And black tiles and boxer briefs, life un-stalled.
Blunts and black bin bags, broken bottle-blondes,
Crap birthday cards, cardboard roses, kisses,
Honeymoons on bonnie banks, Loch Lomond;
Six shots to shotgun weddings to ‘Mrs.–
Requiescat in pace.’ They dinnae live slow,
Romeo & Juliet, in Glasgow.

Extra Context / Author's Note

I originally wrote this in Scots and then translated it back into English when I realised I was being purposefully problematic, but some phrases didn't fit right if I changed them out (sorry not sorry). Hopefully it fits the parameters without being too vague: all I know is that I wanted to write a lesbian sexual awakening slightly connected to the topic?

There is some cultural context that I feel like I need to add so as to prevent a hasty trip to Google:

1. The 'Red Road Flats' were a collection of impoverished high-rise buildings in Glasgow, known for their pretty terrible conditions and connection to both crime and poverty back in the 70s. These flats were all torn down recently, with the last being demolished in 2015.

2. The Waterloo (Bar) is a gay bar in Glasgow. I was trying to be subtle but then I remembered I literally added 'sapphic' in the same line soooo yeah. The more you know, I suppose.

Dream to Wake

Once trapped in hell, then safe in heaven's shrine
Adventure far, or chased by nightly fear
Asleep or wake, between is but a line
A change in mind from dazed to ever clear

We can feel fear of what the night may bring
Yet we don't come without our own defense
When terror comes, from nightly beds we spring
We wake from dreams that cause our minds offense

Yet much more commonly, it's undesired
to wake to life when you could stay asleep
In dreams, amazing worlds can so transpire
When woke from such, we cannot help but weep

But fight, do not let these emotions stay
Feel good, feel brave, and face the brand new day

The Battle of Guadalcanal

The Battle of Guadalcanal

Look in the eyes of that drunk sailor,
search long for that all but burned-out ember.
See that man's slowly drowning soul or
see him fight so as not to remember.

Look in the eyes of that poor young man,
scour through the depths of his old memory.
See the half-success of last day's plan,
as he snuffs it out with his remedy.

Look in the eyes of that drunk sailor,
search long for that all but burned-out ember.
See that man's slowly drowning soul or
see him fight so as not to remember.

Look in the eyes of that poor young man,
see him set his can down and surrender.
Look at his tears as they hit the beer can.
Watch as he gives in, chooses to remember.

See now his sorrows that could not be drowned,
unlike his friend beneath the burial ground.

The Western Sun

By @Dark Wind

The Western Sun

The sun rises yonder on eastern coasts,
To blaze a golden trail o’er richer lands,
Beckoning dream-songs to the bravest most,
Sand, their brand, written in steel; clutched at hand.

Oh, flaxen-haired child ye the great dreamer,
Stargazer of fate in amethyst skies,
Yet vision rains red death; you, the dealer,
Behold the blood meridian, and cry.

A wealth of woe for the silver singers,
His finger plays the chord of hoping haste,
But, a tainted tune haunts the gunslinger,
For those bullets engrave merigold waste.

The son has fallen and man has risen,
Where gold was promised, his shame was hidden.

Werewolf’s Wife

Beneath the canopy of Rheinfelden trees,
A gifted child is born to doubt and dread;
Eye red as blood beyond the flesh it sees
Into the hearts of beasts where thoughts do tread.

A crone did take her to her own abode,
Looking for light where others saw the dark.
The crone gave prayer as the girl was owed,
From there faith found its kindling and its spark.

The girl found friends, the village learning love,
As she was caring of beast and man alike.
A man to'er came whom she fit like a glove;
The court'd, they wed to the song of the shrike.

After a year the man became the beast
Into its heart the girl's eyes found their feast.

Untitled

By @Shylarah
When her twin brother drew his final breath
His loving sister was nowhere in sight.
The only thought to fill her mind is death:
The world is wrong and she must set it right.

For although law and order have their place
She will abandon ethics if she must
And to her own destruction she will race
For failing him in her protective trust.

For every action there shall come a price
But that to her in truth does matter not:
For satisfaction, vengeance shall suffice
And after, death or in prison to rot.

A reckoning postponed can’t fore’er be
But ev'ry consequence accept does she.

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This post marks the conclusion of the writing exercise. Feel free to discuss and review one another's entries. Announcements of judges' awards will come tomorrow morning, as will the start of RPGC #12, but feel free to continue the discussion even after the "proper" RPGC begins.

[McHaggis]

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[Temporary]

^{Notices two sonnets have eighteen lines instead of fourteen.
It's the quatrains.
It's the quatrains every time.}

Will work on reviews for the poetry. Thankfully I can analyse it better than I can write it. It's easier to be a critic!

@McHaggis

I swear that on the Competition post it said "Four alternating Quatrains".

[McHaggis]

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[PlatinumSkink]

I... know nothing about poetry, so I can attempt writing it when I learned the rules, but I sure as heck can't critique it! Good thing we have McHaggis here, I suppose! XD

Edit: Ah. It says "alternating quatrains". What's "alternating"!? Should something change between the different quatrains!? Something I don't know and have definitely messed up!? AAaaaah, I'm doomed...

[Temporary]

@PlatinumSkink Yeah, its the rhyming scheme. So it would be abab cdcd efef gg. Each letter is a rhyme, so each word rhymes on alternating lines.

[PlatinumSkink]

@Vocab Oh. That. So it was alternating IN the quatrains, not from quatrain to quatrain.

... Phew.

[McHaggis]

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[Gwynbleidd]

Gah, screwed up with one of my rhymes in there. This is why you do not write late at night!

[Keyguyperson]

Side-note: playing with the format is cool if there's a reason for it. Edwin Morgan does it in his sonnets quite a bit. So you can rhyme something four times instead of twice, just gotta... have a reason.

@McHaggis

My excuse, personally, is that I really REALLY like repetition.

Hush your face it's perfectly reasonable.

As is intentionally getting the format wrong with the flimsy excuse of "OP Said..." in order to do even more repetition.

[RomanAria]

@McHaggis ... Oh bloody hell I'm sorry. That's what /I/ get for writing the OP at 2:30 AM on four cups of coffee and a redbull. @.@ I'm sorryyyyy forgiiiiive meeeeeeee *flings self to ground sobbing*

[McHaggis]

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[Holmishire]

i was struggling so hard to meet the structural requirements, that i didn't even realize there was a theme until the entries were posted this morning

oops

[RomanAria]

Alright folks!

Off my first read through, and given the fact that I totally screwed up in the OP (! >-< gj, Aria, this is why we don't write contests so late!) I've decided that every entry, in this case, is more than likely going to pass. I'll have formal reviews and such sometime this week -- and trophies, as always, if/when I'm given the contest mod toolkit (yes I know I'm like six issues of RPGC behind, but I'll get to it all. eventually)

This post concludes the "trial run" of WRPGC. A strong awakening, wouldn't you all say?

Expect RPGC#12 to begin sometime within the next twelve hours. My apologies for the delay but right now my life is slightly being consumed by the monster that is university so I'm doing my best.

[PlatinumSkink]

I ATTEMPTED AND FAILED TO WRITE REVIEWS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HELP ME I'M SCARED, BUT I WANTED TO GIVE FEEDBACK, SO *hides in corner*

Self Abused

... Well, it sounds right. Just a few strange sounding sentences. Particularly the two in the end of the third quatrain.

Other than that, yikes, what a dark text. Nobody around to save this poor fellow? … Yikes, that's terrifying. … Oh, well.

Er. Isn't the two last lines supposed to rhyme?

Julie

... I'M CONFUSED AS HECK! XD

OK, I kind of get the first part, but everything after ”Til” makes no sense to me. What? XD

Is she just... complaining? I think she's complaining. Poetic complaining. Woah.

Dream to Wake

... It looks fine? It looks fine. A bit basic a subject, some weird lines, not sure if transpire rhymes with undesired, but otherwise it looks fine? I dunno.

“Cause our minds offense” sounds odd. Actually, many of these lines sound just, like, “acceptably off”, but still slightly off. … Maybe. I dunno.

But heh, those last words were inspiring somehow. … A mini-dose of inspiration. Hahahaha.

The Battle of Guadalcanal

Immediately thrown off by that the first sentence has nine and not ten syllables. … No, wait, it's consistent! Is it fine if it's consistent!? AAH, I DON'T KNOW! *panics*

Wait, what!? Beer can line broke the consistency! It's ten syllables, not nine! … And the chooses to remember line has eleven! Was that intended? Is that fine? Did it break a rule? I DON'T KNOW! XD

Well. Um. Otherwise, quite an understandable tale. Poor sailor. Yeah, he'll have to live with that. … Oh, well.

The Western Sun

... Is “o'er” intended to be a single syllable?

Well. Looks to me that you're following all the rules? Maybe rhyming quite a few s-words with something without the s, but maybe that's fine.

And the story... it's vague, but I believe I can make it out. … Or I can't. Actually, reading it a few more times, I'm pretty sure I can't! XD

Werewolf's Wife

... Is “Rheinfelden” two syllables? … “caring” is two syllables, right? … “to'er” is supposed to be one syllable, right? Can one do that? Make two words into one to cut the syllable count... … And I want to add a syllable to the second to last line... … ...

I don't know the rules of syllable-counts, I just know the rules I attempted to abide. OH, WELL!

So, uh. Did she make him lunch? I think she did, if I'm not horribly misinterpreting this. Hahaha. Oh, well.

Untitled

... Huh. The internet says every is two syllables. Guess I've been pronouncing an e that I shouldn't. Hahahaha. … But if so, what's the point of writing it “ev'ry” in the last line!? You used it right without consequence in the beginning of the third quatrain! XD

… “Does matter not” sounds awkward. As does “accept does she”. I'm not entirely sure what “fore'er” is supposed to be, couldn't you have gotten that to rhyme any other way? Oh, well. Writing like that is a pain, I totally understand. Hahaha.

… So, she's getting revenge, does she? … Poor girl. Oh, well.

I apologize if I got everything wrong and offended someone. Woah. Hahahahahaha. … … …

[Gwynbleidd]

@PlatinumSkink

O'er is indeed one syllable, strange ain't it?

[RomanAria]

Sorry everyone, but between no sleep last night, four classes (including a chemistry lab and a band rehearsal!), tutoring, and a whole crapton of other such excuses, I seriously cannot keep my eyes open and do not trust myself to write another contest OP now. Given what happened the last time I tried while half-asleep, probably for the best.

RPGC#12 will launch as soon as I awaken, though I also have no bloody idea when that'll be.

[PlatinumSkink]

I, um. Still would be very interested in feedback here, in case people forgot about it.

[shylarah]

@Vocab@RomanAria Well to be fair, a sonnet is a sonnet, and that part was clear even if it was detailed incorrectly. As to not reusing rhymes...I don't think there's really a rule /against/ it? I mean, if A and D rhyme, that's not exactly a problem, just some additional rhyme. Or so my opinion is. I have to say, I had a lot of fun with this. Especially because I've been thinking about Alys a lot lately. They're all solid poems, no matter the number of lines, though I didn't actually check for meter at this point. It's a bit hard to do while running the radio. ^.^;;

[shylarah]

@PlatinumSkink I loved my poetry classes and took a lot away from them. I also love playing with language, and what you can do with sentence structure. There's a general form, but because of how English is inflected, you can say "she went to the store" or "to the store went she", and this helps format things so that a rhyming word falls last in a line, as well as meeting the meter. I love doing it, and it (in my opinion) adds flair to a poem. Also I tend to use a slightly more formal feeling for sonnets, not entirely sure why. Possibly because iambic pentameter makes me think Shakespeare, and that style of speaking. And the strict rules make it feel elegant but also a bit stuffy? *shrug*

There are likewise words that often get syllables dropped. O'er (over) is one, as is e'er (ever). That means fore'er is forever. Every can be two syllables /or/ three (ev-ry or ev-er-y), depending on how strictly you enunciate; I used e'ery to ensure it would be read as two, because I often default to three -- though as you can see, not consistently since I used it as two earlier. x.x I actually only caught the second use of it after. *sigh*

You can absolutely remove chunks of words to fit the meter -- within reason. For example: bril'ant ((brill-yant) instead of brill-i-ant, I see "heav'n" instead of heaven a lot in music (though I find that one awkward, like it has a bit of a hiccup at the end). My guess is to'er from Dark's poem is "to her". An interesting smushing, but quite clever, I think.

Slant rhyme -- rhymes that don't /quite/ line up -- are fair game in most situations, though the rigidity of a sonnet would make me lean away from using them. There's all sorts of techniques for poetry, including splitting a word across linebreaks (which I have yet to try, but man it can be so cool if done right!)

I don't really have any specific feedback, sorry. I'm not the best when it comes to critique.