Fucking 120kb/s DSL out here, aside from the folks still stuck with dial-up. Downtown's got goddamned fiber, and this isn't even a big town. But they get it because they're fuckin' artists and shit, and artists and shit apparently need a thousand times the connection speed of a farmer. Our school district is falling behind because the kids from the country can't do their fucking online homework assigned in poorly implemented flipped-learning classrooms that never actually flipped shit in the first place.
I gave the fucking Italian mafia branch that is McGrawHill Education $200 for the access key that I should have gotten in my textbook so I could sit at the computer for an hour waiting for their shitty-ass online homework course to load because it demands that you download the voicelines of some asshat lady telling you that "You haven't spent any time reading the book" (the book being the online version of the textbook you literally have to load in order to get to the actual homework because fucking nobody can afford both the code and book in the first place and they know damn well that the loose-leaf copies they sell to Durham Tech don't include codes) and asking "Are you sure you want to move on to practice?" Yes I'm fucking sure you discount bitching betty, I have a phone and would have googled all this shit anyways.
Fucking hell you bandwidth-throttling shitheads. If I call your fucking line one more time to hear you say "You have reached the AT&T high speed internet support line" or some bullshit like that one more time because I sneezed and in doing so disrupted the fucking pentagram I drew on the floor below the phone hookup so I could sacrifice one of the neighbor's guineas every night to keep the dark lord in favor of my continued shitty-ass connection and as a result cut off my internet for a week while you fucks say "We'll take a look at it" while I know what you're really doing is just waiting for random quantum tunneling events to happen that fix the line. Fucking lazy fucks.
You've got fucking fiber downtown, and the downtown of this place is one road and a couple others with houses on 'em. Sure there's cars fucking everywhere, but that's because everyone drives through us to get where they actually want to go. By the way Mister Mayor, stop expanding the fucking sidewalks, nobody wants bigger sidewalks. At least you aren't letting any more suburbs be built, thank fucking god. But seriously, this town is a bunch of fucking artists and three overpriced restaurants that only people from the northeastern exclave a few miles over ever go to. There's one good Mexican place that serves actual Mexican food made by Mexicans from Mexico and it's fucking great and cheap as shit, but I bet you fucking anything that they're using DSL too. The moment you leave the downtown bit it all goes to shit.
At least the side of the town that we pretend isn't segregated but totally 100% is, like fucking hell it's literally the other side of the fucking tracks and the only place from here to Durham that you'll see a black person, is kinda okay. Good food. It'll kill me by thirty if I keep eating it but that's my plan anyways. At least over there you don't have to deal with insufferable people from FUCKING CARY fawning over the few pieces of local art that can actually be pointed out as local art. Fuck you, Lindsey, you've never seen a barn in your damn life so don't you dare buy that barn quilt. You're going to put it over your giant flatscreen TV in your living room the size of my entire house and tell all the guests how you're "Such a redneck, haha!", aren't you? AREN'T YOU? I have people life you in my family, Lindsey. We don't talk to those people. We won't talk to you either, Lindsey. If you say "Bless your little heart" in a fake southern accent one more time I will use your own heart as a sacrifice to the dark lord to fuel my internet connection.
AND STOP TURNING THE FUCKING FACTORIES INTO LUXURY APARTMENTS. Hell, the least you could do is make your bullshit "novel" idea affordable. Instead you just rub salt in the wound by reminding everyone that you're turning the jobs they lost into apartments they will never be able to afford before they die of easily preventable diseases. Stop gentrifying the western side of the town, it's fine as it is and we don't want your bullshit McMansions there. BTW, stop building condos in places that don't need to be condos.
Why the hell did you bulldoze the trailer part to build a walmart? We never even got the fucking walmart. It's been over a decade and you shits have built one building there and it's a pizza hut plus some unused space. If you're going to forcibly evict hundreds of people at least let us buy some guns to kill ourselves with after you ruined our town. The only good thing I have to say is that the new pizza hut has better service than the pizza hut UNDER A MINUTE DOWN THE FUCKING ROAD. And that one has a way better atmosphere. It has dark wooden walls and a Galaga cabinet. What does the new one have? Beige walls and those fucking orangeish lamps that people pretend are fancy but aren't. Besides, you stopped delivering out here when I was like five.
But at least we aren't fucking Cary. Fuck Cary. People don't like Chapel Hill, but Cary is the fucking worst. I don't think I've ever met someone from Cary that was actually from Cary, North Carolina, or the Southeast in general. And everyone is part of a fucking upper-middle class family with zero issues with a McMansions, white picket fence, and a fucking golden retriever. I like dogs, I volunteer at the animal shelter, and I'm secretly happy that we never get any golden retrievers dropped off because I immediately associate them with sitcom ideal families.
And they have a fucking functional internet connection too, those little bourgie shits.
I gave the fucking Italian mafia branch that is McGrawHill Education $200 for the access key that I should have gotten in my textbook so I could sit at the computer for an hour waiting for their shitty-ass online homework course to load because it demands that you download the voicelines of some asshat lady telling you that "You haven't spent any time reading the book" (the book being the online version of the textbook you literally have to load in order to get to the actual homework because fucking nobody can afford both the code and book in the first place and they know damn well that the loose-leaf copies they sell to Durham Tech don't include codes) and asking "Are you sure you want to move on to practice?" Yes I'm fucking sure you discount bitching betty, I have a phone and would have googled all this shit anyways.
Fucking hell you bandwidth-throttling shitheads. If I call your fucking line one more time to hear you say "You have reached the AT&T high speed internet support line" or some bullshit like that one more time because I sneezed and in doing so disrupted the fucking pentagram I drew on the floor below the phone hookup so I could sacrifice one of the neighbor's guineas every night to keep the dark lord in favor of my continued shitty-ass connection and as a result cut off my internet for a week while you fucks say "We'll take a look at it" while I know what you're really doing is just waiting for random quantum tunneling events to happen that fix the line. Fucking lazy fucks.
You've got fucking fiber downtown, and the downtown of this place is one road and a couple others with houses on 'em. Sure there's cars fucking everywhere, but that's because everyone drives through us to get where they actually want to go. By the way Mister Mayor, stop expanding the fucking sidewalks, nobody wants bigger sidewalks. At least you aren't letting any more suburbs be built, thank fucking god. But seriously, this town is a bunch of fucking artists and three overpriced restaurants that only people from the northeastern exclave a few miles over ever go to. There's one good Mexican place that serves actual Mexican food made by Mexicans from Mexico and it's fucking great and cheap as shit, but I bet you fucking anything that they're using DSL too. The moment you leave the downtown bit it all goes to shit.
At least the side of the town that we pretend isn't segregated but totally 100% is, like fucking hell it's literally the other side of the fucking tracks and the only place from here to Durham that you'll see a black person, is kinda okay. Good food. It'll kill me by thirty if I keep eating it but that's my plan anyways. At least over there you don't have to deal with insufferable people from FUCKING CARY fawning over the few pieces of local art that can actually be pointed out as local art. Fuck you, Lindsey, you've never seen a barn in your damn life so don't you dare buy that barn quilt. You're going to put it over your giant flatscreen TV in your living room the size of my entire house and tell all the guests how you're "Such a redneck, haha!", aren't you? AREN'T YOU? I have people life you in my family, Lindsey. We don't talk to those people. We won't talk to you either, Lindsey. If you say "Bless your little heart" in a fake southern accent one more time I will use your own heart as a sacrifice to the dark lord to fuel my internet connection.
AND STOP TURNING THE FUCKING FACTORIES INTO LUXURY APARTMENTS. Hell, the least you could do is make your bullshit "novel" idea affordable. Instead you just rub salt in the wound by reminding everyone that you're turning the jobs they lost into apartments they will never be able to afford before they die of easily preventable diseases. Stop gentrifying the western side of the town, it's fine as it is and we don't want your bullshit McMansions there. BTW, stop building condos in places that don't need to be condos.
Why the hell did you bulldoze the trailer part to build a walmart? We never even got the fucking walmart. It's been over a decade and you shits have built one building there and it's a pizza hut plus some unused space. If you're going to forcibly evict hundreds of people at least let us buy some guns to kill ourselves with after you ruined our town. The only good thing I have to say is that the new pizza hut has better service than the pizza hut UNDER A MINUTE DOWN THE FUCKING ROAD. And that one has a way better atmosphere. It has dark wooden walls and a Galaga cabinet. What does the new one have? Beige walls and those fucking orangeish lamps that people pretend are fancy but aren't. Besides, you stopped delivering out here when I was like five.
But at least we aren't fucking Cary. Fuck Cary. People don't like Chapel Hill, but Cary is the fucking worst. I don't think I've ever met someone from Cary that was actually from Cary, North Carolina, or the Southeast in general. And everyone is part of a fucking upper-middle class family with zero issues with a McMansions, white picket fence, and a fucking golden retriever. I like dogs, I volunteer at the animal shelter, and I'm secretly happy that we never get any golden retrievers dropped off because I immediately associate them with sitcom ideal families.
And they have a fucking functional internet connection too, those little bourgie shits.
