At this exact moment, after factoring in Objective Midnight, there are exactly 33 hours and 48 minutes left before the deadline.
Blitz Blazing Boy
Member
Seen
2 yrs ago
*sobs* I don't think I'm gonna finish in time
Edit: I definitely won't be finishing in time. Unless I REALLY get my shit together on Sunday. Which is doubtful. Ughhhhhhhh. We'll see. I need sleep.
Edit: I definitely won't be finishing in time. Unless I REALLY get my shit together on Sunday. Which is doubtful. Ughhhhhhhh. We'll see. I need sleep.
At this exact moment, after factoring in Objective Midnight, there are exactly 33 hours and 48 minutes left before the deadline.
I'm going to finish. I'm so sorry, there's so much there, and someone has to read all of it, I'm so so so sorry.
Holmishire Ghost with no home.
Member
Seen
2 mos ago
Because I've been too busy to do my original plan, I've decided to submit a much shorter entry. It's only part of the bigger story I wanted to do, but ultimately, I was sacrificing quality for quantity.
Which sucks.
Hopefully it will still do the characters justice.
(Also toeing the challenge limits again because wheeee~)
Which sucks.
Hopefully it will still do the characters justice.
(Also toeing the challenge limits again because wheeee~)
oh god. Slowing down. Must. Keep. Writing.
Edit: Done. 14,000 words. Goodness. I need a drink.
Edit: Done. 14,000 words. Goodness. I need a drink.
OP
Terminal Rancorous Narrative Proxy
Member
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25 days ago
I am leaving and will not be able to log back in until after the submission deadline, so entries will not be listed until later sometime tomorrow. That said, the deadline is not being extended. Entries I receive after the Objective Midnight Deadline will not be listed. That is all.
For reference, the submission deadline is in seven hours and fifty-five minutes.
For reference, the submission deadline is in seven hours and fifty-five minutes.
PlatinumSkink
Member
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6 days ago
@Holmishire It is probably for the better. I have no doubt I will enjoy reading it anyways~
@mdk ... A 14.000 word entry written by mdk? Goodness. Where will I find the time?
@mdk ... A 14.000 word entry written by mdk? Goodness. Where will I find the time?
...and wouldn't you know, I just found one that I want to change. ONE OF THOSE WORDS IS WRONG AND IT'S KILLING ME INSIDE.
1x Laugh
OP
Terminal Rancorous Narrative Proxy
Member
Seen
25 days ago
...and wouldn't you know, I just found one that I want to change. ONE OF THOSE WORDS IS WRONG AND IT'S KILLING ME INSIDE.
You realize you can edit PMs, correct?
As long as the edit was done before Objective Midnight I would have taken it.
OH WELL. Look forward to seeing that mentioned in the review!
1x Laugh
<Snipped quote by mdk>
You realize you can edit PMs, correct?
As long as the edit was done before Objective Midnight I would have taken it.
OH WELL. Look forward to seeing that mentioned in the review!
heh. Well, on the bright side, it's camouflaged, or at least hidden in a whole forest of other not-so-perfect words, so the one I'm looking at might go unnoticed. Hint: It's a directional word. But yeah -- this is why it's smart to leave yourself some time between writing and deadline. When you proofread immediately after farting out that big of a story, you can apparently miss a few things.
PlatinumSkink
Member
Seen
6 days ago
I proofread mine thrice. I guarantee, next time someone reads it, be it me or someone else, they'll find an error that I'll later be staring at and be like "How the **** did I miss this?". Yupp.
Edit: *read a bit in the end of own entry right after writing that* ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Damn.
Edit: *read a bit in the end of own entry right after writing that* ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Damn.
Loksfjoer Lucky flame
Contest Mod
Seen
18 hrs ago
Only 5 stories? That means I'll only have to read 4 to give feedback. That actually seems manageable, I might just get some reviews done this time.
PlatinumSkink
Member
Seen
6 days ago
Reviews from someone with absolutely no power. Here’s what I think. I apologize in advance for any offense these reviews or my entry might do to those who read it, should that be the case. In any case. It does appear that only veterans wrote for this time, soooooooooooo well, there is somewhat of a lack of people who probably actually need my input on anything since most here was top-notch anyway, but here it is regardless! XD
Alright! Firstly, I’ll state that the only franchise of these I know is Madoka. All the other references, except the Michael Bay one, is totally beyond me. Also, Nicholas is alive? Could have fooled me, his name isn’t anywhere in the story. Unless specifically told to be a sequel, I’ll always assume anything is its own stand-alone story. And this… was quite vague. Haha.
Two people in a world I barely got explained to me suddenly used their fantastic power to battle it out due to their diverging intentions. I’ll have to say, you get the mystic part straight-on. If we were supposed to be intrigued while not understanding anything, then you did it really well. I’m a little worried I’ll find all entries being a direct clash between two now that take place in exactly the same way. Pretty well pulled off, it just flowed well in some really odd way and I barely understood anything while simultaneously understanding everything. This is a very odd combo, and I applaud you for achieving it. Hahaha.
I’m a little bit confused on one point, though, completely besides being confused by everything in the entire setting. The Challenge has us either leaving our allies behind and succeeding, or failing to do so and having them claim it instead. As far as I can see, he intends to leave his ally behind, and… fails? Did he hesitate somewhere which brought his loss? Oh, well. Maybe Terminal reads some other version than I did. Regardless, fantastically written. And I mean fantastically such as magical. Haha.
Two people in a world I barely got explained to me suddenly used their fantastic power to battle it out due to their diverging intentions. I’ll have to say, you get the mystic part straight-on. If we were supposed to be intrigued while not understanding anything, then you did it really well. I’m a little worried I’ll find all entries being a direct clash between two now that take place in exactly the same way. Pretty well pulled off, it just flowed well in some really odd way and I barely understood anything while simultaneously understanding everything. This is a very odd combo, and I applaud you for achieving it. Hahaha.
I’m a little bit confused on one point, though, completely besides being confused by everything in the entire setting. The Challenge has us either leaving our allies behind and succeeding, or failing to do so and having them claim it instead. As far as I can see, he intends to leave his ally behind, and… fails? Did he hesitate somewhere which brought his loss? Oh, well. Maybe Terminal reads some other version than I did. Regardless, fantastically written. And I mean fantastically such as magical. Haha.
… Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii’d… question the lack of vices in this character, but eh. XD
It’s rather nicely written. I do feel that the world is quite very much a mystery to me, but suppose I learned as much as I needed. While most of the entry was rather dull in itself, the treasure hunt itself and the way he needed a musician to get there and the way only one was simply allowed to go on and how quickly he discarded his friend felt a bit customized to fit the challenge rather than customized to fit the story. Oh, yeah, you were the one who argued to me that the goal was to clear the labour and I could therefore go with a boring story, eh? I clearly see how you were thinking. XD
Though the twist was by far the most interesting part of this. I was positively surprised. The way the character suddenly rose to the challenge, becoming interested solely due to the way she was seeking is very interesting to me, and it fit so well with that there in fact could only be one person who could claim the price. It made sense, and I always love it when things make sense. The entire labour made sense in this ending, and I love when that happens. I’d honestly have been interested in, for example, seeing an anime where this was the first episode and the rest is just the two of them trying each other out, both bored before they found someone of a similar mindset in games and learn more about each other and such. Hahahaha. … So, I liked it because of the potential for development? Sure, I can go with that. I liked the finish, which leaves me with a positive impact overall for this entry. Nicely done!
It’s rather nicely written. I do feel that the world is quite very much a mystery to me, but suppose I learned as much as I needed. While most of the entry was rather dull in itself, the treasure hunt itself and the way he needed a musician to get there and the way only one was simply allowed to go on and how quickly he discarded his friend felt a bit customized to fit the challenge rather than customized to fit the story. Oh, yeah, you were the one who argued to me that the goal was to clear the labour and I could therefore go with a boring story, eh? I clearly see how you were thinking. XD
Though the twist was by far the most interesting part of this. I was positively surprised. The way the character suddenly rose to the challenge, becoming interested solely due to the way she was seeking is very interesting to me, and it fit so well with that there in fact could only be one person who could claim the price. It made sense, and I always love it when things make sense. The entire labour made sense in this ending, and I love when that happens. I’d honestly have been interested in, for example, seeing an anime where this was the first episode and the rest is just the two of them trying each other out, both bored before they found someone of a similar mindset in games and learn more about each other and such. Hahahaha. … So, I liked it because of the potential for development? Sure, I can go with that. I liked the finish, which leaves me with a positive impact overall for this entry. Nicely done!
… Ooooooooooooh. So an Iron CAN pick up a Silver bracelet, but that means he becomes Silver himself and can therefore no longer consider himself an ally of all Irons. That… that’s interesting. I like it. It’s a temptation, which definitely gets stronger the closer to the end they might come. And in fact, if they don’t take the Silver bracelet, another Silver might come along and claim it from the dead body that the Irons killed. Hah. I get it. … Ooooh. I just read through The Challenge again. Unable to kill a Silver by himself, but after that only one can claim the Silver band, and then must leave his allies behind…
It feels new. This obviously isn’t the whole story, but know that I like it. Well done. Now we’ll see what Terminal thinks.
It feels new. This obviously isn’t the whole story, but know that I like it. Well done. Now we’ll see what Terminal thinks.
Alright, the longest by far. Now let’s see what I thought of it.
Wonderfully written. The fact that you’re actually having this be a recounting of the events that is written down by someone obviously immediately lifts any requirements for perfect tense and such, but regardless of how clever I thought that was you wouldn’t need such a thing for that, anyway, would you? Haha. Furthermore, the fact that you could use information in the real world for something like this… I might be reading way too little real information, I can only marvel at those who use their knowledge for things like this while all my writing comes from the plethora of fictional stories I’ve read, so I might be lacking in real knowledge and could never write such a thing. You, though, seem to pull it off quite well, here. Nicely done.
I am curious, though. Where in the story did Cole have an opportunity to leave his allies behind? Was it when he was offered to help Roerich? I mean, yeah, the item was obviously picked up by someone that wasn’t him, so that would mean by the definition of the labour that his ally got it. But, that should only happen if the main character failed to leave his ally behind… um… Did I look at the rules too intensely or did I just miss something? Oh, well. It is a really nicely written entry regardless. While I didn’t get particularly excited by the story, nor very attached to the characters probably partly due to how the story was told from the perspective of someone writing it down after it had all had already happened, it was really interesting and I can say I like it. Thanks for the effort. Haha.
Wonderfully written. The fact that you’re actually having this be a recounting of the events that is written down by someone obviously immediately lifts any requirements for perfect tense and such, but regardless of how clever I thought that was you wouldn’t need such a thing for that, anyway, would you? Haha. Furthermore, the fact that you could use information in the real world for something like this… I might be reading way too little real information, I can only marvel at those who use their knowledge for things like this while all my writing comes from the plethora of fictional stories I’ve read, so I might be lacking in real knowledge and could never write such a thing. You, though, seem to pull it off quite well, here. Nicely done.
I am curious, though. Where in the story did Cole have an opportunity to leave his allies behind? Was it when he was offered to help Roerich? I mean, yeah, the item was obviously picked up by someone that wasn’t him, so that would mean by the definition of the labour that his ally got it. But, that should only happen if the main character failed to leave his ally behind… um… Did I look at the rules too intensely or did I just miss something? Oh, well. It is a really nicely written entry regardless. While I didn’t get particularly excited by the story, nor very attached to the characters probably partly due to how the story was told from the perspective of someone writing it down after it had all had already happened, it was really interesting and I can say I like it. Thanks for the effort. Haha.
@Platinum -- normally I'd wait to respond until I got my own reviews done, but I'm actually working super hard all week on a job application... ANYWAY -- from my perspective, Paul Mackenny is the real main character of the story. Cole is the POV, and we spend a little more time with him for that reason, but Mackenny is Sherlock Holmes and Cole is Watson. If you squeeze them together hard enough you get Indiana Jones. But yeah -- Mackenny is the one who leaves everyone behind to take it for himself, and I sorta made you sit through the aftermath of that decision, rather than showing you all the benefits it probably had for Mackenny.
PlatinumSkink
Member
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6 days ago
@mdk Ooooh. Alright. I see. Yeah, then I get it. Bit hard to see without the pointer, but yes. I see it. Heh. That makes it kind of amusing, actually. Nicely done.
Loksfjoer Lucky flame
Contest Mod
Seen
18 hrs ago
@PlatinumSkink well, I had to look what a vice really is and the dictionary informed me it is an immoral, wicked, or evil habit, action, or trait. Did he display that? According to the clarification he didn't have to be a saint or even be particularly nice, as long as he wasn't ruthlessly amoral in nature. I did my best to stay within those parameters, but I knew I'd be walking a thin line in this labour again. I'm hoping to fall on the good side.
PlatinumSkink
Member
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6 days ago
@WiseDragonGirl A vice to me is an immoral character trait that clearly deviates from the path of a paragon. There is the fact that he, while wealthy, didn't for a single second consider allowing his poor friend to collect the reward which they believed to be treasure when it was revealed to only be granted to one person, it felt like anyway. Well, maybe the friend still would have gotten his share of coins should that part be delivered upon, but the Bardug distinctly said "no sharing", so that's what I went with. That, and he didn't seem to mind the way this game could have taken people's lives for such a silly purpose, even if that thought said he didn't agree with it. He's acting on boredom, which might not necessarily be a vice, but the individual himself felt really fickle.
That's my impression of it, which may or may not be accurate to Terminal's view. Still, I like him. He if anything in your entry was quite enjoyable. Especially with his reactions to that. Such characters are always so distinctly interesting in some form of way. Haha. I don't really understand why, but yes. The only question is where the line goes where you're "vice-less", yeah. We'll hear in not too long, I imagine.
That's my impression of it, which may or may not be accurate to Terminal's view.
I decided to go full extreme with my entry, to the degree that I wonder if perhaps I went too far and will fail due to that he didn't seem tempted enough to abandon his ally. You're on the opposite end, yeah.
PlatinumSkink
Member
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6 days ago
The story was initially lighthearted. I did not feel like making a serious tone of it in the first part, because that in this method would be utterly boring. The guards weren't disinterested in their jobs, just bad at it. He never directly disobeyed orders. You should not really compare it to MGS, though it inspired the work, it's in no way connected.
I don't see the problem in any of those sentences. Sure, they could be structured in a more formal way, but I don't see the problem with them. I do not consider them mistakes. ... Alright, the line about letting him shoot if they had to shoot someone could have been better, but the majority of these I have no problem with. I read it through twice before sending it in.
Since you say I adhered to the challenge parameters I will personally consider myself having cleared the challenge because I was not convinced by the reason why I failed, though I will make no appeal because your reasons are clearly laid out and I do not think I can change them. I just don't think that actually makes my story bad. That's about that.
Edit a little while later: Hm... Perhaps I didn't manage to deliver the playful attitude I desired... Or place the aura I already have in my mind on my character into the actual entry... Oh, well...
I don't see the problem in any of those sentences. Sure, they could be structured in a more formal way, but I don't see the problem with them. I do not consider them mistakes. ... Alright, the line about letting him shoot if they had to shoot someone could have been better, but the majority of these I have no problem with. I read it through twice before sending it in.
Since you say I adhered to the challenge parameters I will personally consider myself having cleared the challenge because I was not convinced by the reason why I failed, though I will make no appeal because your reasons are clearly laid out and I do not think I can change them. I just don't think that actually makes my story bad. That's about that.
Edit a little while later: Hm... Perhaps I didn't manage to deliver the playful attitude I desired... Or place the aura I already have in my mind on my character into the actual entry... Oh, well...
Edit:
- "These men were terrorists, who had recently gotten their hands on a very dangerous such."
This refers to the missile mentioned in the previous sentence. I suppose I could have mentioned a missile specifically, but would that really be strictly necessary?
- "Vulcer jumped the fence, the darkness aiding him as he had managed to slip by the spotlights and climbed up a nearby tree in order to get inside."
... Um. Lesse. I'm unsure. Maybe "climbed" should have been "climb"? Same as "slip" isn't "slipped", due to that "managed" already is as it is...
- "Without hitch he fell down to the ground and let his feet meet the ground before he bent forward and rolled behind a building"
... Nope. I don't see anything. Perhaps the fact that there are two "and"s, which might be slightly unnecessary, but nothing truly striking.
- "“That’s her choice. I don’t treat those who kill instead any different from how I do those who eat meat.” Because among other things, Vulcer is a vegetarian."
'Is' maybe should have been 'was', but... Why would you include the line, then? Is there something wrong with the line? Maybe I should have clarified that it is 'those who kill instead of tranquilizing' or something?
- "Turned out their defenses was a joke."
Hm. One was, many were. Is 'defenses' multiple? Hm. Could be. Edit: Yes, it is, stupid! XD
- "Miriel blinked as she realized who she pointed a gun at."
I see no issue.
- "Miriel declared, moving back the mirror into her belt of gadgets"
... I see no issue. 'back' and 'the mirror' can change places to 'moving the mirror back into her belt of gadgets' but that isn't strictly necessary.
- "“If possible, let me shoot those that we have no choice but to shoot unless we have no other choice.”"
Alright, that does sound odd. It should be "If we have to shoot someone, let me do it if possible." Because he had the darts.
- "Miriel wasn’t as relieved, standing guard of the doors at all times, gun raised."
I'll have to assume the issue you see is somewhere in 'standing guard of the doors at all times'. Maybe it should be, hm, 'remaining vigilant of the doors with her gun raised', like? I mean, I think what I wrote works, but if I had to replace it.
- "Everything drifted into blackness as Vulcer was aware of just how bad this was."
Hm. Maybe 'was' should be replaced with 'became'. But I'm pretty sure he already was aware of how bad it was.
- "With that one-way mirror on his right, single entrance, a table in front of him and him bound to a chair, it looked like one of those rooms for interrogation."
... ... ... No, I see no problem with this sentence. If I had to guess... 'a table in front of him and him bound to a chair'? Not entirely sure what I'd replace it with, though. 'and he had been bound to a chair'?
- "A small technological-looking explosive device, suited on top of a barrel which contents he could only guess, out of his reach."
I'll have to guess that 'out of his reach' is the problem you're intending. I could have cut the comma and made an 'Of course, it was out of his reach' sentence after it. I'm unsure.
- "A red button, which function he could only guess, was in front of him on the table within his reach."
Alright, there I repeated 'could only guess', which I suppose I could have avoided. Other than that, I see no error here. I could have made it a little bit prettier with 'was placed in front of him', but nothing that is an error.
- "That was probably the reason they were in his game and not just plain dead, anyway, so that’s probably a good thing."
Um. Should it have been 'that was probably a good thing' so that it's clear the that's isn't "that is" in the wrong tense? Because I see no other error here...
- "The screen flicked away from displaying the two of kissing to Von Serge’s grinning and much less appealing face."
I think I missed the word "them", there. I actually did so again before I read this here through twice more when thoroughly analyzing the lines. My bad. XD
- "None of you kill the other, and I guarantee that I won’t touch either of you"
Um. Besides that I don't see the problem, it's Von Serge putting it in odd words. Oh, well.
- "He’d have to request to Viria to analyze this mission thoroughly and make sure to be prepared for anything."
I think I meant to write 'and make sure they'd be prepared for anything', but even besides that, is there a problem? It says that Viria is to be ready for anything now. Haha. Oh, well.
This refers to the missile mentioned in the previous sentence. I suppose I could have mentioned a missile specifically, but would that really be strictly necessary?
- "Vulcer jumped the fence, the darkness aiding him as he had managed to slip by the spotlights and climbed up a nearby tree in order to get inside."
... Um. Lesse. I'm unsure. Maybe "climbed" should have been "climb"? Same as "slip" isn't "slipped", due to that "managed" already is as it is...
- "Without hitch he fell down to the ground and let his feet meet the ground before he bent forward and rolled behind a building"
... Nope. I don't see anything. Perhaps the fact that there are two "and"s, which might be slightly unnecessary, but nothing truly striking.
- "“That’s her choice. I don’t treat those who kill instead any different from how I do those who eat meat.” Because among other things, Vulcer is a vegetarian."
'Is' maybe should have been 'was', but... Why would you include the line, then? Is there something wrong with the line? Maybe I should have clarified that it is 'those who kill instead of tranquilizing' or something?
- "Turned out their defenses was a joke."
Hm. One was, many were. Is 'defenses' multiple? Hm. Could be. Edit: Yes, it is, stupid! XD
- "Miriel blinked as she realized who she pointed a gun at."
I see no issue.
- "Miriel declared, moving back the mirror into her belt of gadgets"
... I see no issue. 'back' and 'the mirror' can change places to 'moving the mirror back into her belt of gadgets' but that isn't strictly necessary.
- "“If possible, let me shoot those that we have no choice but to shoot unless we have no other choice.”"
Alright, that does sound odd. It should be "If we have to shoot someone, let me do it if possible." Because he had the darts.
- "Miriel wasn’t as relieved, standing guard of the doors at all times, gun raised."
I'll have to assume the issue you see is somewhere in 'standing guard of the doors at all times'. Maybe it should be, hm, 'remaining vigilant of the doors with her gun raised', like? I mean, I think what I wrote works, but if I had to replace it.
- "Everything drifted into blackness as Vulcer was aware of just how bad this was."
Hm. Maybe 'was' should be replaced with 'became'. But I'm pretty sure he already was aware of how bad it was.
- "With that one-way mirror on his right, single entrance, a table in front of him and him bound to a chair, it looked like one of those rooms for interrogation."
... ... ... No, I see no problem with this sentence. If I had to guess... 'a table in front of him and him bound to a chair'? Not entirely sure what I'd replace it with, though. 'and he had been bound to a chair'?
- "A small technological-looking explosive device, suited on top of a barrel which contents he could only guess, out of his reach."
I'll have to guess that 'out of his reach' is the problem you're intending. I could have cut the comma and made an 'Of course, it was out of his reach' sentence after it. I'm unsure.
- "A red button, which function he could only guess, was in front of him on the table within his reach."
Alright, there I repeated 'could only guess', which I suppose I could have avoided. Other than that, I see no error here. I could have made it a little bit prettier with 'was placed in front of him', but nothing that is an error.
- "That was probably the reason they were in his game and not just plain dead, anyway, so that’s probably a good thing."
Um. Should it have been 'that was probably a good thing' so that it's clear the that's isn't "that is" in the wrong tense? Because I see no other error here...
- "The screen flicked away from displaying the two of kissing to Von Serge’s grinning and much less appealing face."
I think I missed the word "them", there. I actually did so again before I read this here through twice more when thoroughly analyzing the lines. My bad. XD
- "None of you kill the other, and I guarantee that I won’t touch either of you"
Um. Besides that I don't see the problem, it's Von Serge putting it in odd words. Oh, well.
- "He’d have to request to Viria to analyze this mission thoroughly and make sure to be prepared for anything."
I think I meant to write 'and make sure they'd be prepared for anything', but even besides that, is there a problem? It says that Viria is to be ready for anything now. Haha. Oh, well.
Loksfjoer Lucky flame
Contest Mod
Seen
18 hrs ago
I read 3 of the 4 stories now. I'm sorry @mdk, I didn't get a chance to read yours yet.
I don't have much feedback to give, but at least I can point out what I liked and didn't like. Grammar-wise I don't have anything to say unless there are some really obvious mistakes. I tend to read over small mistakes.
I don't have much feedback to give, but at least I can point out what I liked and didn't like. Grammar-wise I don't have anything to say unless there are some really obvious mistakes. I tend to read over small mistakes.
I get it's heavily abbreviated and truncated, but it's hard to get into the story this way. It isn't until the morphing time when the story picks up, but since we didn't get to know the characters in the first part, it's still hard to sympathize with any of them. I'm not sad Yumi leaves, my heart doesn't ache for the main character who will lose the love of his life. And that's a shame, I want to feel those things when reading a story. I've argued before that in the first place we have to clear the challenge and writing a great story is second, so for the labour this doesn't matter. From a personal view I would have liked to see the full story.
I must say, the battle was done fantastic. It's full of action, it's easy to visualize the attacks and it had a nice flow to it.
The ending was strong, even without really getting to know them. The way he accepted his defeat was and how they shared their sadness was well done.
I must say, the battle was done fantastic. It's full of action, it's easy to visualize the attacks and it had a nice flow to it.
The ending was strong, even without really getting to know them. The way he accepted his defeat was and how they shared their sadness was well done.
I liked this story. We get all the necessary information and the descriptions were detailed enough to paint a clear picture. Even without getting to know the characters, the exchange between the friends is wonderful. This story proves it doesn't have to be long to be good. Well done.
I don't know the metal gear solid universe, so yeah. For a story in this setting they don't seem to have much difficulties getting through and because of this the first part isn't really thrilling to read. And the two trained soldiers seem slightly unprofessional. Their aim is good, but we have Vulcer who flirts with Miriel on duty and Miriel who seems to think it's a good idea to just keep talking when her partner hushes her in an enemy environment. And they talk a lot while being inside the enemy base, it would have made more sense if they had talked in hushed tones or whispers, you know, keeping their voices down.
The flashback to the mission briefing is a bit awkwardly placed, that should be a new paragraph rather than following the comment of the defences directly. At first it seemed Viria was talking to Vulcer, a bit of an introduction like 'Vulcer thought back to' would have made it better.
This sentence: “If possible, let me shoot those that we have no choice but to shoot unless we have no other choice”, is one sentence that stood out, it's a bit awkwardly worded, for lack of a better word.
There is something I miss in the end. Since Vulcer had a slightly personal reason to go after Von Serge and both he and Miriel are strapped to explosives, he is surprisingly laid-back about the whole situation. They're talking and smiling like old friends. That is a bit off with the information presented earlier. I know he is the good guy, but I think I would have liked him more if he wouldn't be the eternal good guy at the end and show some anger or hatred towards Von Serge. It would have made it more real too. I know the challenge asked for a person free of vice, but I don't think justified anger is a real vice. Other emotions would have worked too, or a struggle of some sorts, but he smiles a lot in the that part as if it doesn't matter. That doesn't help to feel for Vulcer as he sits there.
The ending is wonderfully tragic with the countdown, that part had some suspension in it.
While the story overall isn't particularly thrilling for the setting they're in, the interaction between the characters is amusing, even if it comes across as a bit unprofessional :) I liked how Vulcer did fall in love with Miriel and I like the idea of a merciful, vegetarian trained soldier who doesn't kill his enemies. It's not what you'd expect.
The flashback to the mission briefing is a bit awkwardly placed, that should be a new paragraph rather than following the comment of the defences directly. At first it seemed Viria was talking to Vulcer, a bit of an introduction like 'Vulcer thought back to' would have made it better.
This sentence: “If possible, let me shoot those that we have no choice but to shoot unless we have no other choice”, is one sentence that stood out, it's a bit awkwardly worded, for lack of a better word.
There is something I miss in the end. Since Vulcer had a slightly personal reason to go after Von Serge and both he and Miriel are strapped to explosives, he is surprisingly laid-back about the whole situation. They're talking and smiling like old friends. That is a bit off with the information presented earlier. I know he is the good guy, but I think I would have liked him more if he wouldn't be the eternal good guy at the end and show some anger or hatred towards Von Serge. It would have made it more real too. I know the challenge asked for a person free of vice, but I don't think justified anger is a real vice. Other emotions would have worked too, or a struggle of some sorts, but he smiles a lot in the that part as if it doesn't matter. That doesn't help to feel for Vulcer as he sits there.
The ending is wonderfully tragic with the countdown, that part had some suspension in it.
While the story overall isn't particularly thrilling for the setting they're in, the interaction between the characters is amusing, even if it comes across as a bit unprofessional :) I liked how Vulcer did fall in love with Miriel and I like the idea of a merciful, vegetarian trained soldier who doesn't kill his enemies. It's not what you'd expect.
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