Athos

TES: Soul Cairn

@Serinaty - I'm not the GM in this RP but I've been in more than a couple RPs with him before and we (mostly) agree when it comes to roleplaying matters. Anyways, onwards to the point. Some stuff you can do to clean up your CS.

- Get rid of all of the unnecessary ellipses. An ellipse (...) every once in a while is fine when it's used to draw attention to a break in thoughts but it shouldn't be a replacement for basic sentence structures/conjunctions.

-While we're on the topic of grammar, you have a shitload of run on sentences, especially in the last portion of your Personality profile. That's an easy and quick fix that'll vastly improve the readability of your character sheet.

-Paragraphs. For the love of all things holy, use them. Walls of texts aren't fun to read. Look at Too Old 4 This's CS to see what I mean. But you need to bust up that wall you have to 2-4 individual paragraphs.

-You're also missing a history section. Kind of vital.

That's just the stuff I saw though. Super may have more or less critiques. It may seem like I'm just nitpicking with some of the stuff but your CS is representative to the amount of effort you put forth in a RP. When you post a messy CS, you will most likely also make messy and hard to read posts.

I did like your character overall, I just think that she could be represented better with those few fixes.

@Too Old 4 This - I really like your CS. There's some stuff I could nitpick but it's mostly minor issues not worth the bandwidth it'd take to fix them. Super may comment on how an enchanted Ebony dagger is a tad powerful when you combine it with the fact she's already an expert at stealth and master at conjuration and restoration. But that's really his call to make, not mine.

Anyways, like I said, all of my edits have no real authority whatsoever. Me and Super just have very similar playstyles/expectations so I just pointed out stuff that might be worth to consider fixing before Super evaluates your CSes. I'll have my own CS posted later today most likely, and if not today then definitely tommorow.

♛:||KingsRidge School of Witchcraft and Wizardry||:♛

Don't worry, you'll probably be back before HOAL is

TES: Soul Cairn (Interest Check)

Supa, dis is gey.

I use dis as mush as I wont to

The Will of God

TheWindel said
1. The Jester muses on life.
2. Sachiro holds a meeting. Asgard shows up early.
3. The Librarian mounts an invasion and scales the Citadel
4. Elsewhere, Cole Carton blows up a defenseless veggy stand and walks away.
5. Alex Sinclair conducts manhunt on Cole.
6. Jester speaks with Asgard. Tells her there's attackers on the roof.
7. Alex continues his manhunt.
8. Cole crashes at a bar, while having flashbacks.
9. Librarian continues climbing Citadel.
10. Yggdrasil appears before Jester and Asgard.
11. Alex searches for Cole.
12. Jester leaves to deal with the intruders.
13. Librarian throws Jester off roof.
14. Still having flashbacks, Cole crashes at a motel while causing more public damage.
15. Yggdrasil leaves to deal with intruders alongside Asgard.
16. Nifilhiem wakes up and realizes there's a meeting. Runs down the hallways and ignores the attack.
17. Alex locates Cole.

I believe the Platinum knight has also gotten involved since then.

The Will of God

Flamelord said
There's no story if we both explode either. :p

*shrug*

Not my problem, it's Alex Sinclair's

TES: Soul Cairn (Interest Check)

Azathoth said
I'll have you know I count as at least 35% of a person.

You - 35 %

Super - 0%

Me - 190%

The Will of God

Without conflict, there is no story.

The Will of God

'What happens to lost puzzle pieces?'

'What kind of question is that Silvia? Buzz off will ya, I'm trying to actually do something productive like study for tomorrow's exams. Something you should probably be doing as well you know?'

'I'm serious Cole. Think about it, without all of the pieces, a puzzle can never be complete. So what happens to puzzles without all of it's pieces, or a lost piece of a puzzle? Do they just spend the rest of their life searching for their other half but unable to? Do they even realize that they are missing an integral part of them, something that they will never truly be whole without?'

'You do realize puzzle pieces are inanimate pieces of carved cardboard right?'

'Sorry for bugging you Cole...'

---

Cole had seen the Justicar carve his ways through the streets with all of the grace of a raging ox in a china shop so when he arrived in the lobby, Cole had already made the necessary preparations for his next move. It had only taken twenty seconds for Cole to fill the merchant cart with enough gas to make a sizable explosion. It took three minutes for him to pump an entire construction complex with enough gas to set it alight like fresh kindling. By the time Cole stepped into the elevator and pressed the button to go to the lobby, his Tome had been actively running for seven minutes.

While the Justicar was certainly much better armed than Cole, Cole had something that he did not. He now had an entire building's worth of hostages. So Cole approached the Justicar with all of the confidence that of a lion tamer in the ring.

"It's nice to know that Asgard's finest are as unduly predictable as always." Cole yawned as he strode into the lobby. He saw the array of gadgets laid before Alex and recognized them from his time spent in school. "Anyways, this can go down in one of two ways. You can either get me inside of the Capital as my hostage or...."

Cole drew his Tome hidden in his left pocket. "You can be extremely stupid and try to kill me while I proceed to nuke everyone inside of this building, me and you included. Personally I don't care either way. But don't think you can pull any fast ones in less time than it takes me to press one button."

TES: Soul Cairn (Interest Check)

6.25 in my opinion

TES: Soul Cairn (Interest Check)

*Skyrim

I'm just fucking around, it sounds really good. Count me in.