Barrett — Roleplayer Guild

.      Alan Locke     .

Whatever you say or do, remember there's always someone watching you.

Perceptive, prepared, precocious, observant, ostracised, outmoded, artistic, awkward, afraid... Locked.

Oil on water.
The crackle of old paper.
Looking down from on high.
Steam from fresh coffee.
The clack-clack of a camera shutter.

Step 1: Survive school.
Step 2: Graduate & getaway.
Step 3: Use camera to get cash.
Step 4: Keep head down.

Some small stoppages. Social anxiety (crippling) and fear of detection (constant) are the main ones but there's also all the classic teenage problems; schoolwork, sexual confusion, peer pressure and all the others. At this rate, getting through the day will be an accomplishment.

My uncle took me out into the woods to go bird-watching, a hobby of his. It was sort of scary, he gave me these looks of thunder and doom if I made the slightest sound. But after we'd been there for half an hour, this beautiful wren flitted down to land in front of us. It didn't do much, just hopped around and scratched at the floor, but there was something profoundly beautiful about the way it moved, totally unaware of our presence. It pecked at the ground a little, scratched with its claws and chirped mindlessly. Then I coughed, I couldn't help it, and the bird flew away.

Asking my parents to help me with my social issues. It made them worry and made them think it was their problem and I know they have problems enough of their own. If I was stronger, smarter, more sensible, then I would've kept it to myself and overcome them without burdening others.

I don't like anyone in particular and I'm not even sure if there's a particular group of people I like more or less than others. The only thing I know for certain is that I'm... drawn to those who thrive rather than cringe under a spotlight.

So many things... The biggest would be that after my parents took me to the shrink and she prescribed me medication to "combat my issues in an active sense", I never took them. The pills seemed so... invasive, irritating, irrational, far too terrible a remedy for such an insignificant problem. Since then, I've convinced both her and my parents that I'm taking them at the proscribed times. I should never have made it something for them to worry about in the first place. The obstacles that I face inside my own mind should be my problems and no one else.

Change everything about myself. It's not that I'm entirely dissatisfied with who I am, I have my good points, but going back and reliving my formative experiences would let me recreate myself. I could learn to be the centre of attention without wanting to shed my skin from embarrassment or at the very least been strong enough to keep my private problems private.
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Oh, the year was 1778...

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